If You Want To
Dedication: For J, and all those others that have to want to be saved.
He is in church; a place that has been alien for some time. But he cannot evade it any longer.
He does not look for a miracle, just a reason to believe. It's been so hard. He needs help.
So much pain. *So* much hurt.
He prays for himself and for his mother.
** if you want to,
He is startled by a voice behind him. "Hello."
"Hello." What is she doing here?
She does not speak again. He sees her small hands joined and turns to do the same. Yet he can't get away from the fact that she is here. Probably praying for her father.
Time passes. He mumbles the Lord's Prayer.
Perhaps it is the sound that moves her to speak. "Donna told me what happened. I'm sorry."
He barely acknowledges her words, but she persists. "I have to ask you."
The words tumble like the wisps of her hair. "Are you comfortable with yourself?"
"Because you lied to me."
** i can take you
His tone is quiet. "How did I lie to you?"
She does not answer but she does.
You know how you lied.
Silence again. "I was trying to protect you." Footsteps echo like their empty promises on the cold floor.
But you shouldn't have.
He loses his temper. "Did you want to tell your father that his father was a spy?"
"It's not about that."
"Oh, really." His voice is rising but quickly hushed. Something profane has occurred.
She is utterly calm with a tempest brewing underneath. "It should have been my decision to make."
"You should have told me. Then I could decide for myself whether to tell my father the truth. It's the principle of the thing." Her eyes burn him with their sorrow. "You deceived me."
You asked for my help. I didn't want to hurt you.
"You're as bad as your father."
Don't say that!
** so lonely inside
He springs to his feet, ready to leave her behind.
"Please." One word.
"What." What is he doing? There is a wall of fire coming; she had best not be in its path.
Remember and change. You're a good man.
You are a good man. You are not beyond redemption. You think you are.
He laughs. It is true. Ever since he has begun to doubt himself; began to see himself as the betrayed. Now he has turned into the betrayer.
"What should I do?"
"Stop being lonely." She turns away. "You can be saved."
He cannot show how lonely he is.
"If you want to I can save you."
"Yes, I can."
She has a heartbreaking smile. "But you have to want it. You can't sit there and wait for it to happen. You have to want to be saved."
What do I want? All I want is embodied in the way she says my name.
Then she is gone. Was she ever really there?
Whether she was or not, he needed to hear his thoughts.
He leaves the hall considerably more fulfilled.
** if you want to, i can save you