Disclaimers: The West Wing and it's characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is being made from this.
Author's Note: I would like to thank cherryice for her help with this. There will likely be two parts and an epilogue to this.
Summary: CJ and Toby reach a breaking point in their relationship, and try to come back from it.
CJ stood looking out the window of her apartment. It was nearly three o'clock in the morning and she couldn't sleep. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept an entire night. Well that wasn't exactly the truth, she could remember, she just didn't like to think about it. She often wondered why this would always happen, but she didn't have the answer to that question. She knew that she wasn't going back to sleep, so she decided to get some work done.
She walked into her living room, and opened up her briefcase. There were a few briefing memos that she still needed to read. So she decided to read them. The first one was a memo on the economic crisis in Asia that had been written by Toby. *Toby*. He was probably not the ideal subject for her to be thinking of right now. She set the papers down and rubbed her temples. She was starting to get a headache so maybe looking at the papers right now was not the wisest thing to do. She stared off into space and let her thoughts wonder.
************************************ Six Weeks Earlier
The last year had been the happiest of CJ's life. She had been so flattered when Toby had asked her out a year ago. They had quickly become inseparable. It had not taken long for everyone to find out they were involved, but they really had not tried to hide it. They had been the number one news story for awhile, but then the press found out that they really were exceedingly boring and left them alone. She glanced over at him as they were driving. They had a weekend off and were going out of town. He would not tell her where they were going because he wanted to surprise her. She had found out early in their relationship that he could be very romantic when he wanted to be, and she wondered what he was up to now. She reached over and placed her hand on his knee.
"So where exactly are you going to take me?" CJ asked.
"I believe I told you that was going to a surprise." Toby replied.
"Yeah you did."
"So what makes you think I'll tell you now?"
"I thought I could try."
"Apparently you are not having any success."
"Apparently not. So what are we going to do this weekend?" She asked.
"You think that if I tell you that, then you will be able to know where we are going."
"I might be able to."
"I'm not going to tell you that."
"I really didn't think you would."
Toby just laughed as he slowed the car down and pulled into the driveway of a small bed and breakfast.
"So this is where we are staying?" CJ asked.
"Yes." Toby said. "You do like it?" He asked uncertainly.
"Yeah, I do." CJ said reaching over and caressing his face. "I love you."
"I love you too." Toby replied.
The room they were in was very spacious. CJ enjoyed just walking around the town taking in all of the sights, and the shops. But what she enjoyed the most was just being with Toby. It was wonderful to be together without all of the worries of the job. They were able to get to know each other much better over those two days. They were sitting in each other's arms on the window seat in their room. Sighing, she leaned back in his arms. Toby leaned over and kissed her neck.
"I don't want to go back." CJ whispered.
"Neither do I." Toby said. "I'm enjoying being here with you too much."
"Yeah." CJ agreed. She turned a little bit until she was facing him. She placed her hands against his face and kissed him.
"I like the way you are thinking." Toby said as he pulled her closer.
"Yeah I do." Toby said as he picked her up.
Toby was staring morosely out the window of his apartment. He still didn't understand why it had happened. In fact, he thought he never would. Everything had been going well between them, perhaps it had been going too well. He had thought what he had done would make her ecstatically happy. He never dreamed that his actions would cause him to lose her.
Toby hurried around his apartment seeing that everything was ready. He wanted everything to be perfect for CJ tonight. He believed that he had finally found the person he was to spend the rest of his life with. CJ was the only person who had ever been able to put up with his moods, not even Andie had been able to totally do that. Toby had told CJ months before that he loved her. He had meant the words when he had first said them, and he meant them even more now. He turned as he heard her key in the door. When she came into the apartment he was standing near the door. He walked over to her, and took her into his arms. He started to kiss her passionately as soon as she was in his arms.
"That was quite a greeting." CJ said breathlessly when they drew apart.
"Yes it was." Toby said tracing her lips with his finger. He then pulled her close to him again.
She rested her head on his shoulder for a few moments. Then she lifted her head from his shoulder and smiled at him.
"What?" Toby asked.
"I don't know." CJ said resting her forehead against his. "I love you."
"I love you too." Toby said.
After eating dinner they sat on the couch eating dessert and drinking wine. Toby gently ran his fingers through CJ's hair as he held her. He then ran his other hand along her back. She raised her head and kissed him.
"I had an idea earlier." Toby said.
"And what was this idea?"
"I was thinking that you could move in with me." Toby said. He could feel CJ tense up as the words came out of his mouth.
"You want us to live together?" CJ asked in a shocked tone.
"Yeah. I think it would be a good idea. We are together most of the time. And quite frankly I would love to have you here with me all the time."
CJ moved away from him and got up. She walked over to the window and stared out of it for a long time before speaking. "You want me to move in with you?" She repeated.
"I don't think that is such a good idea. In fact I don't think this is such a good idea."
"No, Toby, we never should have done this. We never should have gotten involved. I'm sorry. I'll get my things and go."
CJ opened the door to her apartment and threw her keys down on the table. "Why do I always do that." CJ said aloud. "Why do I run when someone tries to get close to me. Why did I do that. I love him, and I know that he loves me. Why does the idea of this becoming more serious than it already is scare me?" She sat down at the table and stared at the phone. She wanted to call Toby, but she knew she wouldn't.
As Toby was cleaning the table off he found something sitting on the table. It was the key he had given CJ to his apartment. He guessed that was it. It was over, and there was probably nothing he could do to change it. He just wished he knew why.
The next morning, CJ went to see Josh. She didn't know why, but knew she needed to talk to someone, and Josh was the most logical choice.
"I thought you and Toby would be spending the day together." Josh said as he opened the door.
"We ended it last night, or rather I ended it." CJ said softly.
"What?" Josh said.
"He asked me to move in with him." CJ said.
"You know that is an excellent reason to break up with someone. I would do exactly the same thing." Josh said sarcastically.
"You're not helping."
"I'm sorry. What happened?"
"I got scared."
"Josh you sound like a two year old."
"You're not answering the question."
"I always do this. When I get in a serious relationship I panic and leave. I thought I wasn't going to do it this time."
"Do you know why you do it?"
"I guess I'm afraid of committing to anyone."
"CJ you know that Toby loves you?"
"Yeah I know. It doesn't help."
"It's true though."
"You know what the hell of it is Josh?"
"I'm in love with him too, and I want it to work so badly, but I don't know if I can allow it to."
"You can CJ." Josh reassured her.
"I don't know Josh, I just don't know."
To be continued...