See part 1 for disclaimer.

The song "When She Wakes Up and Finds Me Gone" is the property of Tim McGraw and Curb records. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Denotes CJ's POV 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^Denotes Toby's POV 

*************Denotes a flashback

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Later that night, after putting Michael to bed, I sat in my den thinking of the last time I saw Toby before today. I donít allow myself to think of that time very often. It is really too painful for me to think of. But after seeing him today, it canít help but cross my mind.

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I had left a few things in DC when I had gone back to California. I still had a key to the apartment I had shared with Toby, so I let myself in to get the rest of my things. He has changed things very little since I have been gone. I quietly gather the things I have left. After I have been there for an hour, I hear Tobyís key in the door. I had really wanted to be finished and gone by the time he came home.

"Hello." I said to him as he came through the door.

"CJ. What are you doing here?"

"I was picking up the rest of my things."

"Okay, do you need any help carrying those things?"í

"No."

"Then Iíll be in my office." He said.

"Okay."

I left the apartment for the last time shortly after that. I had only been back at my hotel room for an hour or so when there was a knock on my door. I looked and saw that it was Toby.

"Yes." I said opening the door.

"You forgot these." He said holding some flower arrangements that had been in the bedroom.

"Thanks I didnít go in there." I said. "Would you like to come in for a minute?"

"Yeah."

We stood there in silence for a few minutes. I noticed that he was watching me closely.

"What?" I asked.

Toby reached out and gently touched my cheek. "Iíve missed you." He said.

"Really?" I asked.

"I donít think I realized how much until I saw you standing....standing in the living room today."

I lean my face into his caress. His touch is so familiar to me. He closes the distance between us and watches my reaction closely as he does so. Watching him I know he is wanting to kiss me. I close my eyes and wait to see if he will. After a moment he puts his arms around me and pulls me against him. It feels so good to be back in his arms. I feel his hands rubbing along my back and then I feel him start to kiss me. It is a very passionate kiss and I kiss him back. After a moment we break away and I can feel him looking at me and I open my eyes.

"CJ." He said.

I watch him and wonder what will happen. But as his hands are caressing my back, I know what will happen. He lowers his head and starts to kiss me again. Then he pulls back as if to ask the question. I start to kiss him as my answer. As we are kissing I can feel him start to back me towards the bed. I feel my legs back against the bed and I fall back against the bed, pulling him with me. He places my head against the pillows, and then his kisses become very gentle and slow. It is almost as if he wants to prolong this. I sigh and start to kiss him again.

The next morning when I woke up, he was gone. Not a word, not a note, nothing.

***************************************************

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I walk back into Michaelís room. So far he has been adjusting to the changes in his life well. Michael means the world to me. In many ways he is all I have left. I will do anything to protect him, and the choices I have made because of him.

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I was unable to sleep that night, my mind was filed with thoughts of the last time I saw CJ. It was almost six months after we separated. She came back to DC to pick up some things she had left behind. I came home that evening to find her in the apartment. She said she didnít need any help so I stayed in the office until she left.

***************************************

I came out of the office shortly after I heard the door close behind her. I had not been expecting her, and it had been a shock to come home and find her in our living room. Our living room, I really have to quit thinking that way. Itís been six months, one would think I would be used to it by now. But Iím not. I donít know if I ever will be. I walked into the bedroom and noticed the picture of CJ and I that is sitting on the nightstand by the bed. As I look around the room, I notice that she has left a few things. So I decide to take them to her.

Hours later, I find myself holding CJ in my arms, as she sleeps. Iíve held her countless times before like this, but this time is different. This time I know it is the end. I sit down on a chair and start to write a note to her.

With a trembling pen in hand I try the best I can To write all the reasons I canít stay And I hope sheíll understand I canít leave her like a man Cause a man would never leave her this way

A note of things I should have said Lays beside her sleeping head As I make my way off in the night By the time the morningís breaking My heart will still be aching Every time I think of what Iíve left behind

Cause I donít want to see me leaving in her eyes And I canít stand to watch her watch me make her cry And I donít know a right way I can do her wrong So I donít want to be here in the morning When she wakes up and finds me gone

It hurts to know how much sheíll hurt Iíve told myself things could worse And Iíve convinced myself sheís better off this way By the time she finds Iím gone Iíll be a long long way from home When she reads a note of things I couldnít say

Cause I donít want to see me leaving in her eyes And I canít stand to watch her watch me make her cry And I donít know a right way I can do her wrong So I donít want to be here in the morning When she wakes up and finds me gone

Lord, I donít want to be here in the morning When she wakes up and finds me gone

I try and try to write a note to her, but the words are just not coming right. Finally I give up and put the crumbled evidence of my attempts into my pocket.

A little while later, I look back at her as Iím getting ready to leave the room. I walk back over to her and brush the hair back from her face. I then kiss her forehead and walk away. Opening the door, I looked back at her one last time. "I love you." I thought. "But itís so damn hard to make this work. I canít risk my heart again." I thought as I closed the door and walked away from her for the final time.

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to be continued...

 

Future In The Past - 3

 

 

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