Disclaimers: The West Wing and it's characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is being made from this.
Author's Note: This is an idea that has rather been in the back of my head for awhile. I finally decided to write it tonight. Because of a few things I have learned in the last week writing this has been a little theraputic for me. One could also say that I am playng a little what if game with my story Second Chances.
Summary: What if CJ had died when Jonathan was born.
It had been three months. Three months since it had happened. It was hard for him to believe that she was gone. He couldn't bring himself to say she was dead. He didn't know if he would ever be able to bring himself to say that. He knew it was true. He had know it was true the moment that the doctor had told him she had died. Really he knew before the doctor told him.
There were mornings when he didn't know how he went on. Well that wasn't true, he knew exactly how and why he was able to go on. It was what she would have wanted, and there were the children to think about. Their daughter still did not really understand why her mommy was not coming home. She still woke up crying for her mommy most nights. Their son on the other hand, was really lucky. He was too little to understand any of the things that had happened when he was born. Toby really thought that was a blessing for him. But Toby knew that he had to find a way for their son to know his mother.
He missed her more than he would have ever thought possible. It still did not seem possible to him that she was gone. The thing that had shocked him the most was that she had known. She had left a letter to him telling him this. Josh had given it to him five dies after she had died. It had taken him days to be able to read it, but he finally had.
Toby, If you are reading this now, then my dream did come true. Yes, I did remember what that dream, or maybe it was a premonition was about. And I don't have to tell you what it was. I know the next few months are going to be hard on you. Please remember on thing, I love you. I wish it hadn't happened this way, but for some reason this is the way things were meant to be. There are a few things you should know. Things that I probably have never told you. I love you. I know I've said that already. But it is very true. I love you. You are the love of my life, and I know that. I have so many good memories of us. And those are the things I want you to remember. Don't remember the end. Don't remember the bad times, just remember how much I loved you, and how happy we were. I don't think I've told you how happy you do make me. You have made me the happiest I have ever been. The last four years that we have been together have been the happiest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I wasn't looking for a relationship, and I will always be grateful for the love that you showed me. The thing that saddens me the most is that I won't be there to watch our children grow up. I know that you will make certain that they know me, and how much I loved them. Don't let Meghan forget me, although I do think that she really is too young to remember me. Take care of Jonathan for me. I know you will, but I just had to say it. Finally, Toby, I know that you will not forget me, and that what I'm getting ready to write will fall on deaf ears, but I have to say it. Find someone else when you are ready to. I want you to be happy. I love you and don't ever forget it.
It was still difficult for him to read it. He wondered if it would always be. The part of it that always got to him, was where she said she wanted him to be happy. Surely she had understood that was impossible without her. CJ had meant the world to him, and he had wondered if he had really ever told her that. Part of him knew that she had known how he felt. But another part of him wondered if he had told her enough, if he had shown it enough.
It was much easier to be at work than it was to be at home, or maybe it really wasn't. Yes, both places were difficult places for Toby to be, but he could keep his mind off of things at work. It had been difficult for him when they had hired a new Press Secretary. He hated to walk by that office. In his mind it would always be CJ's office.
The nights were the hardest. He didn't think that he had slept an entire night since she had died. Often he would wake up around three, and be unable to go back to sleep. He missed her. He had never known until she was gone, how soothing her mere presence had been to him. He missed that more than anything.
Toby woke with a start. He opened his eyes, and they adjusted quickly to the dark of the room. The first thing he noticed was the hand that was tightly gripping his. It had all been a dream, she wasn't dead. She was laying in his arms asleep, and he knew that their newborn son was sleeping down the hall. It was only then that he remembered what had happened six short weeks ago. She had given birth to Jonathan but had nearly died in the process. But she hadn't, and knowing that was a wonderful feeling. As he moved to hold her closer to him, he was careful not to hurt her. She was still recovering from the birth and everything that had happened after it. He was also careful not to wake her, but he should have know he would not be successful with that.
"Go back to sleep." He whispered when he felt he move.
"Why are you awake?" She asked.
"I just couldn't sleep."
"Okay." CJ said and then she turned until she was facing him. "What's wrong?" She asked.
"I don't believe you."
"I had a dream that's all." Toby said. "I dreamed that you had really died."
"Toby, I'm fine."
"I know that." Toby said. "I don't know what I would do without you."
"And I don't know what I would do without you." CJ replied. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"I know that."
"You do know how much I love you?"
"Yeah I know."
"I love you, and you mean the world to me." Toby said and then kissed her gently.
"I love you too." CJ said as she snuggled a little closer to him. She then kissed him. They kissed for a long time. Toby then pulled her against him and held her close until they both went to sleep.