Title: Why?
Author: Emily
Rating: PG
Category: AU, character death. Donna POV.
Disclaimer: Why no, Mr. Sorkin, I wasn't trying to steal your characters. Yes, I'll put them back soon. No, of course I haven't killed any. Well, maybe one.
Spoilers: ITSOTG
Summary: Please come back, if you can. I don't care how long it's going to take, I don't care if you take your time or come late because of that crappy watch. I just want to hear you breath again.

"Why'd you do it, huh?"

"Why did you leave me? Why did you have to go?"

I'm screaming, shouting, my voice is hoarse and my breath is catching in my throat, but I can't stop. I can feel the hot, angry tears trickling down my cheeks, and swipe at them with my thumbs. Why?

I remember when we were at the hospital, earlier, before they told us. We were all sitting, sitting and thinking. CJ was pacing at one point. Sam was devastated. Toby was sitting next to me. I remember what he said.

"Donna, he's going to be okay."

I don't understand why he said that. He said it over and over again, and he was still saying it when that doctor came in and did some speech about how sorry he was. He wasn't sorry. He didn't get it, Josh! He didn't get the pain, the sheer desolation he had thrust upon us with those few words. And Toby just looked at me, and looked so unsure.

"Why? Why the hell did you have to leave me, Joshua? What did I do? I don't understand!"

I-I don't understand anything any more. I didn't stay with you all those nights on the campaign so that I could love you and then lose you.

Why? Goddamn it Josh, Why?

I sink to my knees.

I can't breath, my throat is blocked by cries and tears. Maybe I should stop breathing too. Maybe then I'll be with you. We could be together, Josh.

Maybe you don't want us to be together. You left me.

"How dare you leave me!"

Back at the hospital, we were all sitting. Mrs. Landingham told us to pray for you, and someone muttered something about how God would save you. I don't know who it was, I had my head in my hands at that point.

God didn't save you, Joshua.

I don't know why you left, and I don't know what you'll say, but I want you to come back. Now, right now.


Answer me! Please, just please, please...

"Josh!" I can't even hear myself speak. The blood is rushing in my ears, and my head is on the floor. I've somehow managed to lie down. Strange. I don't remember moving.

I remember sitting in the hospital. We were all sitting there, waiting for you. Waiting for the doctor to come out and say that you'd pulled through. He didn't say that though.

"He didn't Goddamn say that, Josh!"

I twist my neck as I shout, my eyes blinded by tears. My muscles are tense, and I think I'm gong to explode from the tension. Then suddenly I drop, my body limp, flat against the hard floor. "Josh," I'm moaning now, my voice muffled by my arm. Why are you making me moan? I swore you'd never make me moan, or cry. Or whatever. You're my boss. You are! Ha! So you'll have to come back eventually, because you can't go a day without ordering me around.

And how are you going to survive without me? You won't have anyone to keep you on track, and to make sure you get to things on time...

But you don't need me anymore. You left me.

And, and you're not alive anymore. So you don't need to survive.

"Josh?" No answer.

I cover my eyes with my arm, and coil into a tight fetal position. You're gone. You're really gone.

You're dead.

Josh, you're dead.

"You're dead." I'm whispering now. I'm whispering, and my throat is too raw to shout.

You would have liked that. A non-vocal Donnatella. Bet you're up there laughing right now.

"Stop laughing, Joshua."

I was sitting, back at the hospital, and I was thinking. I was thinking that if you died you'd never get to celebrate our anniversary again. And you love our anniversary.

Come on Josh. Come back. Don't leave me. Us.

I've also been thinking, and don't take this as a sign that I'm backing down, but I think maybe you didn't leave me on purpose. I mean, the pain can't have been all that nice. And, and, and. And you said you'd never leave.

Back on the campaign. When we were...yeah.

"You said you'd never leave."

So maybe you didn't want to leave.

Maybe you don't know why.

Oh, Josh. Why are you dead? I can't, I can't...

I remember I was sitting at the hospital, sitting with Leo, and he said "Ah, he'll be okay, Donna. He wouldn't want to miss another Big Block of Cheese Day."

But then Leo turned away and a tear rolled down his cheek. I remember I watched this single tear trace its way over the fans around Leo's eyes's, and realised that I've never seen Leo cry before.

We all love you, Josh. Please come back, if you can. I don't care how long it's going to take, I don't care if you take your time or come late because of that crappy watch. I just want to hear you breath again. I've always taken your beathing for granted. It was always there, sometimes, during the campaign, it was on me. Me.

I miss you, Josh. Already.

I miss you so much.