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Sacrifices
Sacrifices "It's going to be fine," Josh said putting his hand on the bench behind Donna's back, offering a small gesture of comfort against the cold wet night air. Donna didn't speak. She hadn't said more than five words since they had left the office to meet her one-time lover and hand over her diary. Josh didn't know the details -- he didn't want to -- he just knew this woman he had cherished had slipped. She had made an impulsive, stupid act and now she was paying the price for her lapse in judgment. It was a harsh lesson for the young woman to learn. Its cost wasn't in blood, but in laughter. Could Donna return to the naïve trusting woman who was just a little too quick to give her affections? Did he really want her to? He moved his hand from the bench to her back rubbing up and down briefly. "It's going to be fine." Donna perched on the edge of the wet bench and stared into the distance. She should talk to him; she should try to warn him what was in the diary. Surely he knew... surely he'd always known... what could she say? How could she ever make this right? What if Cliff subpoenaed the diary? It would be her fault. He should not be brought down by a Jezebel -- that's what she was. Or was it Delilah? Maybe Mata Hari...A collaborator, that was it. Someone who partied while Rome burned -- no, that was Nero... He'd trusted her. He'd given her the job of a lifetime and she had betrayed his trust. He sat and said nothing. He was there for her, supporting her... Trying to comfort her. He didn't even see the knife coming. Et tu Donnatella? Her thoughts were a jumble of guilt piled on guilt. Josh could have screamed at her and thrown things, and he couldn't be as hard on her as she was on herself. This is what hell should be like. Josh glanced at her face, seeing fear. She's afraid she'll go to jail. Poor kid. She hasn't got the kind of money to afford a decent lawyer to get her out of this if Calley decides to subpoena the diary. She said it wasn't relevant. It's just girl-stuff about dates and dreams. There's nothing in there that relates to the inner workings of the White House. Nothing at all that would interest them. There's nothing about me. Obviously she doesn't write about dates and dreams about me. I'm just her boss. Sure, we're friends, but we're not 'friends' friends. I'm Senior Staff. She's made it abundantly clear that no interest in me personally -- case in point, one Cliff Calley. What a shit. If I slept with Donna, I'd never treat her this way. Not that I would have slept with her, even if she were... well... interested. It's ethical suicide. Donna's hot, I'll grant that... But what kind of a moron sleeps with someone he knows he's going to be deposing. I can't believe anyone could be so stupid. I'll have to ask Sam if Calley can be disbarred for knowingly-- No... I can't ask Sam. No one can ever know about this. "It's cold. You want to walk around a bit? Warm up?" Donna looked up, her face pale and shocked in the dim light from the streetlights. What?" "Do you want to walk around? It's cold sitting here." "Sure," she replied making no move to get up from the bench. Josh stood, pulling her up as he stood. "Come on. It's going to be a while." He kept his hand tucked under her arm as they walked away from the fountain, then moved his hand to the small of her back. "It's going to be fine, Donna. It's going to be fine." They walked in silence around the park square. Josh occasionally commented on the cold or tried to be encouraging. Donna finally spoke. "Josh... You should be prepared. It may not be over tonight." "Well, that's a safe bet regardless." "I feel like I'm handing them your head on a platter. Salome." "What?" "Nothing. It's nothing." "Donna, you're not Salome. For one thing, I've seen you dance," he smirked hoping for a retort or better yet a smack on the head. She barely grinned in response. He realized the implication, "I'm in your diary?" She shrugged, "how could you not be? Everything that's happened... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have written anything down..." "Yeah... okay... If they're interested in me they would've found it anyway. If anything, it puts it on the table sooner. That's all. We can use this to our advantage..." "I'm so sorry Josh. I'd give anything..." "Well--" Josh thought better of saying that Donna's willingness to give anything had gotten them into this mess. Donna knew immediately what he had been close to saying. So much for his claim that he wasn't pissed. "It just happened. It wasn't planned." "Donna..." he protested holding up a hand, "I don't--" "Too bad, Josh. That's just too fucking bad. You're going to hear this. Cliff's not going to let that diary go, and you're going to hear a lot worse." She stopped and grabbed his arms forcing him to look at her. "Cliff called me Thursday morning to apologize for dropping me like a syphilitic whore in the middle of the street." Josh pulled free and turned away. "We made plans for him to come over Thursday night. But that afternoon I found out it was Oversight. When he showed up I told him I knew why he had left, and that I knew we couldn't see each other again. I meant to send him on his way. I really did. But he was so charming and funny, and I felt so relieved that he really did like me -- that I wasn't too stupid and ugly for him. Growing up that's all I heard: 'You're no good. No man will want you. You're just like your father, a lazy dreamer wrapped up in your thoughts. You're too tall. You're too skinny. Your hair is too fine to hold a style. You'll never get a man.' Then she'd head off to the bar to find herself a man. So when someone tells me I'm beautiful -- that I'm desirable, you know what? I like it. I want to hear it again and again. And yes, if I have to spread my legs to--" Donna stopped in horror of the words she'd just spoken. She turned away. Josh turned his head and looked over his shoulder at her back, "Donna... I'm sorry, I... I didn't know..." He turned to face her. "Of course not, Josh. I'm from Wisconsin. I grew up on a farm with those people from that American Gothic painting. Everyone knows in Wisconsin there are no bleached-blond bar floozies who leave their 12-year-old daughters at home with the baby while they go to meet their latest 'boyfriend'. You, CJ, Sam... You grew up with real parents. Parents who were there to take care of you. You didn't have to worry about some stranger in your condo in the morning and whether he'd think you were part of the entertainment." "Donna," Josh choked out, reaching for her instinctively. Wanting to offer comfort. Donna shrugged his hand away. "Don't. It'd just make it worse if you were seen in a compromising position with your slutty assistant." "Don't say that, Donna. You're not--" "I'm my mother's daughter." She sniffed and wiped the tears from her eyes with her fingers. Josh reached for the clean white handkerchief that his mother had always insisted he carry. "Here," he handed it to her. "Thanks." "We'd better start back now," he said into the awkward silence. "I really don't want to see him again --ever." You wanna wait in the car?" "Yeah." Josh reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his car keys. She took them and headed across the park away from the fountain. Josh watched after her than headed back to wait for Cliff. Cliff was waiting for him. "Where's Donna." "Amazingly enough she doesn't want to see you again. I can't imagine why," Josh replied sarcastically. "I'm sorry it had to work out like this. I really am. I never meant--" "Spare me. What you did was unethical and you know it." He shrugged, "I can say that I didn't realize I was going to be investigating the White House. I just thought I'd be on the periphery and that it was all an innocent mistake..." he said in mock-innocence. "Sure, it's embarrassing, but it's nothing like the Deputy Chief of Staff trying to kill himself," his voice turned threatening. "I didn't--" "You put your hand through a window." "If you've read that-- Donna must have written why." "It's my job to find anything I can to bring down the Bartlet administration, you know that. The MS is just an excuse to dig. You'd be doing the same thing in my place. You're Bartlet's bulldog. You think I'd believe for a minute that you wouldn't make damn sure the press knew if a senior Republican staffer had a mental disorder? We're subpoenaing the diary -- all her diaries, this is just 2001. We want everyone's private records after May 2000." "There's no need. There are other ways to get the information you want." "Why spend months digging through the files?" "I can tell you where to look. You don't need the diary." "You'd do that for her? You'd sacrifice yourself?" Josh shrugged, "You'd find it anyway. I always knew that. There's no reason to parade Donna's personal life through this. I tell you where to find the information and you call me in and ask me about it tomorrow. Simple." "You tell us where to look and answer the questions we ask without subterfuge and we won't subpoena the diary. Cross us and not only the PTSD comes out but whatever relationship you have or ever hope to have with Donna will be destroyed and you can kiss your reputation and career goodbye. Got it?" Josh nodded, "you have the visitor logs. December 24th. Stanley Keyworth." He took the diary from Cliff and walked away. Josh got into the car and handed the diary to Donna, smiling tightly. "It's going to be fine." * * * The subpoena for Josh arrived the next morning, demanding that he appear before the committee that afternoon. He didn't warn anyone. He didn't want anyone to know he knew what was coming. It was worse than he had expected. Quiet and beaten, he returned to the White House that evening. Donna was waiting. "Why didn't you tell me you were subpoenaed for today?" She demanded following him into his office as dropped his backpack and stripped off his raincoat. "I had to find out from Ginger." He shrugged, "You were at OEOB sorting through the boxes again. I didn't have time." "You could've made time." "Donna, there's nothing you could have done. I didn't want you to--" "You didn't want me to 'what', Josh? Figure it out?" He shrugged again looking through his messages, the files on his desk, anywhere but Donna. "They would have found it anyway. I just told them where to look. This is better than having them scour through your diaries for the last three and a half years looking for every questionable remark or event they can find." He looked up, past Donna to the door, "I've got to talk to Leo." "Are you going to tell him the truth?" "No. The last thing I'm going to tell Leo is the truth." "Then I'll tell him." "That'll just implicate us all in a cover-up. Making covert deals with opposing counsel isn't exactly kosher, you know. Let me handle this. You're my staff, I said I would fix this." "You said I was your friend," she said quietly. Josh hesitated a second before replying "yeah" as he walked out the door. "Hey," Leo McGarry looked up into the tired face of his deputy. "How'd it go?" "Not that great, really." "Josh... What happened?" "They asked me why a psychologist from ATVA spent all day with me last Christmas." "And you told them?" "Everything. Not a lot of choice there." "How bad?" "Bad enough. The Committee's Republican leaders and counsel received immense satisfaction from the whole thing. All the while pretending to be solicitous." He rested his forearms on the back of a chair and leaned forward, stretching his back. It was a habit he'd developed since the shooting had left him with lingering stiffness of his right side. Leo caught a glimpse of a fleeting flinch of pain and knew that his deputy was feeling the effects of the cold and damp. He also knew his deputy would prefer that it not be mentioned. His tone softened though as he asked, "What's their next move?" Josh straightened up and rubbed a hand through his unruly curls. "Leak it around privately. See if we'll deal." "What do you think they're gonna ask for?" "Whatever they can get. The more willing we seem to make a deal, the bigger the prize they'll want. Gun control, tobacco, the estate tax repeal could come back..." he shrugged. "They know they won't get a resignation without a fight, and it's too likely to backfire if they publicly go after me for getting shot." "Yeah. I'll let the President know. Go home. Eat. Get some rest." "I've got work to do." "It'll keep 'til tomorrow. Get out of here tonight. Grab the gang and go for beers." "Yeah," he responded noncommittally turning to go. "Oh, and Josh... It's going to be fine." * * * Donna had left a note about having errands to run and had departed. Josh thought that was just as well. He couldn't handle another emotional dissection today. He headed into the communications bullpen and found the rest of the senior staff in Toby Ziegler's office going over events of the day. "We've been waiting for you," CJ said spotting him as he crossed the bullpen. "You got subpoenaed for today?" "Yeah. At least I didn't have time to dread it too much." "Or to get a lawyer," Sam added. "I am a lawyer." "With a fool for a client," Sam retorted. "You should have taken me with you." "It's just preliminary stuff. Nothing I couldn't handle. Only--" "Only what?" Toby asked from his desk where he was leaning back in his chair, steepling his fingers. "Only it didn't go well. They found out about Christmas. I told them everything." "Everything?" Sam asked. CJ sank into the couch covering her eyes at the freight train coming her way. "Lying under oath didn't seem like the way to go." "Yeah," Toby agreed. "No poker face anyway," Sam muttered quietly. The others gave him puzzled looks. "No one would have believed you if you'd tried. Not that I mean you should have--" "So what happens now?" CJ interrupted before Sam could ramble further explanation. "Well, Leo says we should go out for beers." Josh smiled slightly and nodded his head towards the door. "Then we wait to see what they want in exchange for not calling for my resignation." "You don't think they'll blast it all over tomorrow's papers?" CJ retorted. "No. He's still remembered as 'the guy who got shot'." Toby explained. "To go after him openly for the PTSD would make them look un-American. Josh is a war hero without a war. That image is our strongest asset." Toby stood up and walked around his desk to the coat rack by the door. "I don't know about you, but I could go for something stronger than beer tonight. Get you coat, Josh, I'm buying." "You buying for us too?" CJ teased. "I'm just sayin'" "You should buy me a drink for being so sweet," Toby growled in response as they gathered their coats. "We should buy drinks for whoever has to go before the committee." Sam chirped. "Which means we owe Donna too. Is she coming?" "No. She... had errands to run," Josh replied. * * * Donna Moss sat on the low stone wall watching the entrance to the building where the Oversight Committee counsel had been given office space for the duration of their investigation into the Bartlet administration's cover-up of the President's MS. She hoped to be able to have a few words with Cliff when he left for the night. Fruitless - probably; stupid -- quite likely. But she needed to feel like she had at least tried to do something. Cliff liked her, they had a real vibe, she could feel it. She hoped she could use that connection to convince Cliff to leave Josh out of this. Cliff exited the building. Donna stood up so that he would spot her. He motioned with his head for her to follow as he started walking down the street. Next to a dark alcove he waited for her to catch up. "You shouldn't be here," he stated. "I know. I just wanted to do something. Josh is a friend." "Josh is a Democrat." "Is that what this is about?" "That's all it's about. Grow up, Donna. No one really cares that Bartlet has MS and didn't tell anyone. It's all politics. It's all about destroying the other party and getting the brass ring for yourself. It's about power --getting it and keeping it. I had a good time with you. You were a fun lay, but girls like you are a dime a dozen. All I have to do is smile and joke and buy you a drink. Why spend $50 bucks on a whore when I can have a 'liberated' working girl for 5? Donna slapped him and walked away. Somewhere along the line she had sacrificed her dignity, her integrity, her sense of pride, her sense of honor. She wondered if she would ever feel like a worthwhile human being again. She needed a drink. Something strong. She headed towards the bar where the senior staffers congregated after hours. As she walked, she vowed to reclaim her honor. No yuppie scum congressional aide would ever make her feel like a two-bit whore again. She had an epiphany. She was going to stop trying to be the perfect girl to entice 'Mr. Right', or even 'Mr. Right-now' and concentrate on being the best Donnatella Moss she could be. She'd save every penny for a college fund. She couldn't afford to quit work, but maybe Josh would let her have some night or afternoon off so she could take a class. She knew she had a bad life before her mother sobered up and married her step-dad, but she was an adult now and she was responsible for her own life. She'd make mistakes, but she could fix them herself. She didn't want Josh Lyman to ever be in a position where he had to risk his career to save her butt again. And someday, she'd show him that she wasn't just a $5.00 lay. Josh would never be interested in anyone who was 'a dime a dozen'. He would have to respect any woman he fell in love with. She vowed to become truly worthy of his respect. She sighed as she pushed the bar door open and spotted the senior staff at their usual table. Who was she kidding -- she was a fool. She'd never be worthy of him. She shouldn't even be here. She hesitated. She should leave. They were senior staff and she was just Josh's slutty assistant. "Donna!" Sam called, spotting her. Josh looked up from where he was slouched with his head in his hands. He peered around Toby to see her, then stood up and beckoned to her. He slid his chair over and grabbed an extra chair from the adjacent table and slid it next to him. "I though you had errands to run?" he said taking her raincoat and hanging it on the hook next to their table. "It didn't take as long as I thought." "Well, we're glad that you could join us," CJ commented. "What are you having Donna?" Toby asked. "I'm buying in honor of the occasion." "What occasion?" "Surviving the last two days," Josh answered handing her his beer. "I'll drink to that," she smiled at him and took a sip before handing it back. "It's going to be fine," he whispered. * * * The End
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