I don't own these characters.
I know so many people brilliantly interpreted Josh and Donna from the
Portland Trip but I couldn't let Josh's comments go without making it
right in my own head.
Spoilers:The Portland Trip
I'm an idiot. I'm a jerk.
I'm a terrible person. I'm a
downer. Deputy Downer to be exact. And now I must lie here in bed
and obsess over my actions. It's been a long eventful day but the
only thing I can think about is the look and Donna's face. I caused
that look. I'm going to rot in hell.
So now I lie here in bed at
3 am. I toss and turn. My
pillow and blaket are causing me emotional distress. I can't seem to
get comfortable. I close my eyes and the events of the evening keep
playing over and over in a constant loop.
I see myself sitting at my
desk on the phone with
Leo. "The President likes long flights", I hear my self say into the
phone. I am aware of Donna fluttering around my desk. She picks up
my legs and drops them back down apparently searching for some file.
It's all so normal. It's all so.........Donna. And then she
switches off the light. Little did I know that when we leave the
room life as I know it would being to unravel.
I tell her about my
meeting with Skinner. We walk out
into the bull pen. She rattles on about having plans. This catches
my attention. Because Donna can't have plans. It's not natural.
She tells me to look at her. I do. And it's like all the lights in
the building have been turned up a notch. Or maybe it's just the
light bulb in my head. I take a good look at her. Up and down. My
heart races. This is Donna. Donna always looks good. She's always
put together nicely. But it's always at the office. In clothing
appropriate for the White House. But now she's standing before me in
a tight, clingy, opened back, Red dress. And how do I, Josh Lyman,
Ivy leaguer respond to my assistant who has suddenly turned into a
goddess. I say the very eloquent....
"Hey you look
good.", Yes, I was a fulbright scholar.
Then I think I made a comment about how she didn't have that on
earlier. Which I think is pretty obvious because had she had that on
during the day it would be needless to say that I would have gotten
no work done.
So now struck by the overwhelming
urge to take Donna into
my nice dark office and lock the door I suppress it by forceing
banter about stealing and dresses. My curiosity eventually gets the
better of me and I have to know what Donna is going to be doing
wearing a dress like that.
She says something about
all very fuzzy because I find it hard to concentrate. I can not let
Donna go out all night looking like that with some guy she barely
knows. I will absolutely not stand for it. He'll be a jerk. He
won't treat her right. He'll lear and probally grope Donna. My
Donna. I mean my assistant.
I'm arrogant. Donna knows
this. She accepts it. Most of
the time. So when I put my foot down and tell her to be back in an
hour and five minutes it's not unusual or out of character. She
pouts. But I can deal with pouting. I can not deal with
Donna....Suddenly I get a mental picture of Donna sleeping with this
GUY. This guy who isn't me. I don't know where these feelings are
coming from but I feel physcially ill. I see him touch her face and
push her hair back.
Donna's still talking and now
she's striking a pose in
her dress..........Dear God help me.
"If your thinking of having
sex you better do it during
dinner." I do have a way with words.
And now Donna is rambling about
feelings and vibes. I
point out she barely knows him and she met him for five minutes at a
party. And then I do the unthinkable. I'm confused. I don't know
what the hell is happening to me. My parents paid good money to
provide me with an education to help curb confusion. Lot of good it
is doing me now. I don't handle confusion well. It's not something
I'm really familiar with. So when I get confused I get defensive, I
get mean. I got mean with Donna.
"Actually you have no
sense................." I can't
even think about what I really said. It makes me feel like such an
ass. But it had a lot to do with her having horrible taste in men,
Her desire to be coupled and her self worth. I basically told her
she had no sense of self. I lashed out. To mask my own feelings.
What I really meant was that she has horrible taste in men because
every man she dates is not me. I'm jealous and I am taking it out on
her. I told you I was a jerk.
Too make it worse I hurt her. I
can see it in her eyes
and I heard it in the small crack in her voice when she called me a
downer. I want to take it all back. I want to take her in my arms.
Ofcourse I do none of those things. All I do is tell her to be back
by the time I am done with Skinner and I leave.
Can you see why I'm suffering from
insomnia? I'm a
All through the night, all
through my meeting with
Skinner I would get these flashes of Donnas hurt eyes. I swear it was
causing me to lose my game a bit with Skinner. And then she showed up
in the mess.
My heart lept for joy when I saw
her. Because with one
look I knew things had not gone well on her date with what's his
name....Tim? Tom? Todd. My heart cheered because I knew I hadn't
lost her. She was still my Donna. At the end of it all she came
back to me. Ofcourse she didn't have much choice. I did kind of
force her. It's one of my privledges of being a boss. As she left
and walked away I tried to turn back to Skinner to finish our
conversation but I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. Her
shoulders were slumped. Her blond hair fell around her shoulders.
She looked so sad, so lost. I could kill that guy for making her feel
bad. That's when it hit me. I got the earth shattering revelation
that it was possible that maybe tonight I contributed to her sadness.
I had to fix it. But first I had buisness to take care of.
After Skinner left I
saw Donna talking to Ainsley
Hayes. I did have a legitamate question to ask her but it was also a
good opportunity to be near Donna. I came up from behind her. I was
so close I could smell her hair. It was intoxicating. It was also
just shampoo, but I'm a simple man. But then she walked away. I
finished with Ainsley, I took a phone call from Toby and now I had
to talk to Leo.
Donna put on
her coat and followed me out.
sucked" I wanted to turn to her and say good,
ha! I told you so. I didn't. Instead I took the high road.
about that.", Score one for Lyman
Then she tells
me about the date. Turns out Todd is
an insurance lobbyist. I could have predicted the outcome of this
date before she even left. But whatever. It's not the point. Right
now would be the time for me to come clean with her. Explain why I
said those hurtful things to her. Once again I did not. Instead I
said I had to go see Leo. But as soon as I turned i knew I couldn't
leave it like this. With those words still hanging between us. So I
turned back around and decided to reveal a little of what I was
looked really great in that dress tonight Donna,
You should buy it for yourself" Our eyes lock. She smiles a little
but I still see a little sadness. I can't fix it. Not now. I can't
find the words. I'm not ready. So I turn and walk away.
now I obsess. I toss and turn. I look at the
clock it's now 7 am. I groan. Where did the night go? Why did I
have to be such a jerk? The phone disrupts my thoughts. First I
think who the hell is calling me on a saturday! But then I know. I
leap for the phone.
"Hello?" , I think my voice actually cracked.
"Morning Deputy Downer."
smile becuase for now she's mine. We'll live to
fight another day. Someday some slimeball will try to steal her away
from me. But someday I might be able to finally come clean with her.
But not now. Not this morning. This morning Donnatella Moss called
ME and not some obnoxious guy named Todd. That has to count for