"I Didn't Ask"

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, et al. No copyright infringement intended.

Summary: CJ's reaction to the news.

Feedback: Is always greatly appreciated.

I ended yesterday by finding out what I've always suspected to be the truth anyway. From the minute I saw her injecting him with something that night in their hotel room during the campaign. What if I had confronted them about it? What if I had demanded to know what was going on? Would they still have picked me to be their Press Secretary? Or would they have chosen someone else who didn't know? Someone who wouldn't have a reason to be complacent about the truth. And that's what I've been. Complacent. I've suspected something all along and never did anything to give them the opportunity to confirm or deny what I was asking them about. Good old, CJ. Keeping the secret without even trying.

I began my day, this day, by being asked to meet with the White House Counsel. That was a joy. I really needed to be in a lawyer's office at 5:30 in the morning. As if I got any sleep last night. 'Is there anything I should know?' versus 'Is there anything I need to know?' Semantics. That's all it is. I suspected something and I didn't want to know. I honestly didn't want to know.

So here I am. I'm sitting in the damn lawyer's office for hours on end going through all of these questions and I know I'm lying about some things and I know the President lied about some things. So did the First Lady and Leo, when he found out, and Toby. He knew and he had trouble lying to me but I've been lying to all of them all this time. I'm partly responsible for the lie going on for as long as it did. I helped him. With my silence. With my complacency. I helped him by not confronting him. I helped him and so help me, God, that's not gonna work for me. Not in the long run.

I'm trying to be cute and it's not going over well. He is not impressed. Why the hell did I bring up the four divorces anyway? As if that's any of my business. As if that has anything to do with the price of tea in China or the fact that the President of the United States has a debilitating disease which I've helped him hide. No one on the team knew when we were trying to get him elected. But I knew something wasn't right. I'm an accomplice in this mess.

Talking to Abbey, I felt the tears. It's not fair what they're going through but you know what? It's not fair what we're all going through either. It wasn't fair of them not to tell us. They should've given us that much respect. Allowed us to make up our own minds. We would've stayed. All of us. We would've stayed. Without a doubt but they didn't bother to find out. They kept a secret and in the process they made me an unwitting accomplice. That means I'm as guilty as they are.

The night air is beautiful. Josh caught up to me and I honestly don't want him to. He's an interesting character to say the least. I'm sorry but I could not pass up on the irony of his statement about the poll. We have lied to the American public for years now and they're worried about a damn poll making them look bad? He was right though, when he said that I'd go down too. I'm gonna take the fall too. But you know what? I deserve it.

Because they made me an unwitting accomplice and I allowed them to. I let them use me. I let them use all of us. To accomplish the goal. Getting Bartlet elected. Despite the fact that there was something wrong with him. Despite the fact that she gave him injections. We got him elected. So help me, God, we got him elected to the highest office in the United States and we stood by and believed everything they told us.

He was sick. He had the flu. He had a damn episode of Multiple Sclerosis is what he had. And I didn't blink an eye as I told the Press what I was supposed to. Because I had always asked, 'Is there anything I need to know?' and the answer had always been, 'No, CJ, there's nothing you need to know.' But I did need to know. I needed to know that I was lying. I needed to know that for sure, rather then just suspecting it.

The odd thing is that my career may come to an end in scandal anyway. I stayed away from Danny so I didn't lose my job and now this. I stayed away from the truth and honestly, that was the wrong thing to stay away from. I knew something was wrong and I ignored it and hoped it would go away. But this isn't the world of make-believe where you close your eyes and the bad things disappear. In this world, you close your eyes and the bad things haunt you worse then when your eyes are open.

The bad things attack you from every corner or angle possible. And the reason for this is that I let them get away with it. I let them lie to me and to everyone else. I let Toby think he was the one who found out for himself. And he did. I'll give him that. But he wasn't the one who saw her give him the injection so long ago. He wasn't the one who stood in front of all those reporters and gave the President's weight and vital signs and left out the little tidbit about his wife injecting him with something. Left out the little tidbit about him having MS and that maybe he wasn't really supposed to be running the damn country in the first place.

He wasn't the one who saw her do it and kept her mouth shut. He would've asked about it because he would not want to be caught out there. And now, because of my silence, we are caught out there. All our jobs are on the line because I didn't ask. Because when I saw her give him the injection, I closed my eyes and made it go away. Hoping against hope that when I opened them again, it would be gone and it was. The only problem is that it didn't stay gone. It was there and nobody admitted it. Nobody was honest.

I should've asked them and gave them the opportunity to either tell the truth or lie to my face but at the very least, I would've known what type of people they were. Now they look like liars, connivers, the worse kind of politician you'd ever find in government. And I helped him get there. He's got me and the others to thank for being where he is today. But the others didn't see her inject him. I did. So he's got me, my silence, my naiveté even, to thank for his position. The idealism I thought I'd lost was still there and it believed in Bartlet and nothing was gonna change that. Not even a freaking injection of God knows what when there wasn't supposed to be anything wrong with him. He was supposed to be healthy. There was nothing I needed to know. What crap!

The night air feels good on my skin. The stars are beautiful. It's a nice night. A nice night to go home and cry. Alone. Shed the tears I don't want anyone else to see. The tears I don't want anyone else to know about because they hold my guilt. I should've asked. 'Is there anything I need to know?' That wasn't enough. It didn't cut it. I should've asked.

So home is a good place to be when you want to cry and you don't want anyone to find out why you're crying. Home is the place to be when you know you lied and you can't even be honest about that now. I lied. I lied all along. I'm an unwitting accomplice. I should've asked but I didn't. We got him elected and now we're gonna take the fall for him.

I should've asked but I didn't. So now I'm gonna cry at home alone. Because I was wrong.

I didn't ask.

The End.



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