Title: Small Beginnings
Author: Lia
E-Mail Address: fairyland15@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Classification: Josh/Donna
Spoilers: In the Shadows of Two Gunmen
Summary: The events of the shooting a year before comes still back every night.
Disclaimers: Not mine, but I would love to spend a minute or two alone with the Deputy Communications Director. This wonderful series and all its amazing characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production and Warner Brothers. And unfortunately, I am not one of them, so I own nothing.
Authorīs Note: This is my first WW fic so be gentle. I thank Pat for beta and for keeping me up-to-date. Feedback is appreciated and wanted. Enjoy the story.

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She stood by the window in her small apartment. The rain hit hard against the glass and the thunder roared fiercely above. She wrapped the light blue shawl tighter around her shoulders and wandered back on the couch, turning the TV on and leaning against the soft cushions.

It was late already, but she couldnīt sleep. It had been like this almost a year now, and she had used to it. She reached for her still steaming mug of herbal tea. No caffeine, and yet still no sleep. She brought the mug to her lips and blew it softly, trying to get it cooler.

The cold shivers went through her body and she sipped her tea. The hot liquid burnt her lips and she placed the cup back on the table, licking her lips. Damn.

She curled deeper on the couch and pulled her legs against her chest, leaning her cheek on her knees. Her mind drifted back to the work. Like always. She had once thought that thinking about work, sleep would come. It wasnīt true. Not in her case.

Her laptop sat on her desk, waiting for her. She stood up, leaving the TV on and wrapping the shawl even tighter around her shoulders, she sat down and opened her computer.

She worked with the files she had brought home over an hour, before she turned the computer off and returned back on the couch. Flipping through the channels, she settled on the one that showed an old black and white movie.

"God no!" The sudden shout from her bedroom made her to jump up.

The shawl fell on the floor as she ran in the bedroom, seeing him sitting straight in her bed, frightened and sweaty.

"Josh?" Her voice was a quiet whisper and she sat on the edge of her bed.

"Donna?" He turned his head to her, blinking couple of times as if to make sure it was really her.

"Yes. Iīm here." She lifted her hand to smooth his cheek softly.

His eyes fell close and he took a deep breathe, before pulling her into his arms, holding her tight.

She wrapped her arms around him, giving him the comfort he needed.

"Itīs okay." She promised whispering. "Itīs okay now."

He breathed in the familiar smell of her shampoo and then pulled back from her embrace. "Did I wake you?" He asked.

"No," she smiled. "Iīve been up for awhile."

He nodded.

"Was it the same dream?" Her voice echoed in a dark room.

"Yes." He answered shortly.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

And that was where their conversation usually stopped. But not tonight.

"Maybe you... maybe we should talk about it." She suggested carefully.

He looked up into her blue eyes and shook his head, reaching to touch her face. "Iīll be fine."

She backed away from him. "Well maybe you are, but Iīm not." Her voice was barely audible.

Her statement silenced the room once again, and the unshed tears shone in her eyes. "Please Josh." She whispered.

"Iīm just tired Donna." He sighed finally.

"Well Iīm tired too." She blinked the tears back. "And I think we need to talk about it."

"I canīt." He snapped angrier than he intended. "I just canīt do that right now."

She stared at him blankly. "Youīre not the only one whoīs experiencing nightmares." She whispered.

"I know." His voice was tired.

He knew that she couldnīt sleep. So many nights after leaving the White House they came in to her apartment. They rarely went out, or talked anything but work. It was safer that way. They went to bed, and made love. She often fell asleep in his arms, and he stared at her for an hour or two, just wanting to feel her close. Wanting to make sure she was fine. Then he slipped out of her bed, got dress and left home, where he worked or lay in
the bed, staring at the ceiling.

And he knew, that after he had left, she would woke up, and sat on her couch alone. Awake. She had never complained about their relationship. She had never asked him to stay for her sake. But every once in a while, he stayed over. And those nights, they slept through the night in each otherīs arms, without nightmares.

He loved her. And that scared him. His relationships with the people he worked with had never worked. Mandy Hampton had broken his heart. And Joey Lucas, well their relationship had never gone that far. He was afraid that
admitting those feelings he had for her, he would push her away. And he knew, that losing her, would crush him. And that was the thing he was afraid. That someone made him feel that way.

"Iīm sorry." His voice was quiet.

She lifted her eyes to meet his. The tears she had held back for so long, ran now freely on her cheeks.

"Iīm sorry too." She whispered.

For so long she had tried to keep her feelings inside. Building the walls around her, she had made sure no one would ever know her fears. But he had made his way through. Not breaking them down, but sneaking in with her, and helped her built them stronger. And together inside, they had both built their own separate walls, not as thick and high, but strong enough to keep the other apart.

She knew she loved him. More than anything. And that was the reason she had those endless nightmares. Nightmares that took him away from her. And night after night she woke up with her own screams, crying heart-brokenly until
her tears had dried and she had been too exhausted to cry anymore.

Almost every night after the long work day they came together in her apartment and almost every night she woke up alone. She sat in the dark apartment until the sun was up, and then it would be time to go back to work. But she didnīt blame him. She knew he needed time alone. Time to think about everything, and still nothing.

When they were out of town, he usually sneaked in her room quietly. Some of the Secret Service agents knew. How could they not? She was pretty sure that some of their co-workers knew as well. No one said nothing. No one smiled when she excused herself to go to sleep, and when he little later followed her up. But they probably understood.

Almost every night they made love. Sometimes it was passionate, but mostly it was slow, sweet love. So many times she had almost slipped the words out. The words she afraid would ruin what they had. And every time she had
managed to held them back, feeling the pain in her heart, knowing she would never get the same response from him.

She was wrong.

"I love you." His words broke the silence.

"What?" She whispered unbelieving.

"I love you Donna." He repeated, with a clear but a soft voice.

"You do?"

"Itīs more than that. Iīm in love with you." He confessed, knowing that his declaration could push her away from him. "Have been the longest time now."

The tears started to fall on her cheeks again, and he reached to smooth them away with his hand.

"Donīt cry sweetheart." He said softly.

She looked up, meeting his almost frightened eyes. "I love you too." She whispered almost too quietly him to hear.

He closed his eyes and nodded slightly relieved. He pulled her closer, almost in his lap and hugged her tightly.

"I love you so very much," he whispered in her ear.

"Oh Josh." The sobs shook her fragile body and she wrapped her arms around him more tightly.

He kissed his way from her neck onto her lips and the kiss deepened immediately. He lowered her on the bed and pulled back to look at her. "How can I be so lucky to have you?" He asked whispering.

Her smile was almost shy and she lifted her head for a kiss.

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The first rays of sun shine forced their way inside her bedroom between the curtains.

Joshua Lyman squinted his eyes and then turned his head to see the woman he loved sleeping peacefully in his side.

Her long blonde hair had spread on the pillows and the sheet covered her naked body, leaving her upper back bare. He leaned to kiss her shoulder, travelling his hand down on her back and under the sheet, leaving it to rest
on her lower back.

Donna Moss felt his lips on her skin and a soft smile crept on her lips. She rolled on her side to look at him, his hand moving on her hip.

"Morning." She said smiling.

"Morning." He answered and leaned to kiss her gently.

He brushed a lock of hair away from her face and looked at her lovingly. "I do love you Donna." He said quietly, brushing her cheek with the back of his hand. "So much."

"And I love you, Josh." She whispered back, turning her head to kiss his hand.

He moved closer to her and she snuggled in his arms more comfortably. He smoothed her back sensually and placed soft kisses on her neck.

She bent her head back, giving him the better access to kiss her neck. "You will miss the senior staff meeting," she sighed, but made no move to get up.

"I know." His lips tickled the skin below her ear.

He pulled away and then placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "As much I would love to stay here and make love you all day, we have to go." He said reluctantly.

"I know." She sighed and sat up, pulling her robe on.

"Donna." He called from the bed as he watched her walking towards the bathroom.

"Yes?" She turned around by the door.

He stared at her for a long time and then smiled. "Nothing. Iīll join you in a minute."

She smiled softly. "Iīll be waiting."

The bathroom door closed behind her and she turned the hot water on. Her robe fell on the floor and she stepped in the steaming shower. Maybe he wasnīt ready to tell her about the nightmares he had, but for that she could wait. No matter how long, she could wait for that.

After all, the first step had taken.

THE END

 

 

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