Comfort through Trials - Fractured Fairy Tales
Sam and Lisa # 14

Archive: If you want it, take it. Just let me know where it's going.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: None that I know of.

Author's Notes: Sequel to "Comfort through Trials - Relocation".
This is part of a series I am working on.

Disclaimer: They're not mine, I just borrow them to play with.

The sidewalk is cold.

That's about as close to logic as I'm capable of right now. The two
people..... Hell, the two people I trust with my life, and they're......
God, I hate this city. Is anyone still human around here? Does anyone in
this business have a heart! I mean, if they..... If they wanted to....
I'd be happy for them. They're my best friends, but behind my back? Like
that? No! How could they.... How could she sleep with Josh like that!

She was so upset when Josh was shot. We all were, but was she more upset?
Should she have been more upset? She's known him longer, so maybe she was
because they're close, or maybe she was more upset because they were.....
Even after we split up, she and Josh always stayed in touch. So what if
they were touching with more than e-mail? She wouldn't have.... Would she
have led me on just to... To what? What's the point of letting me back in
her life if she just wants to be closer to Josh? That's just.... I mean
it's.... It's cruel. What? Was I a nice roll in the hay while Josh
recovered? Did she want him to save his strength? My God, how could they?

The sidewalk is cold.

*

I think I've walked around this neighborhood a million times over the
years. First, when Josh was recovering and Donna and Lisa had him under
house arrest. I would walk around just so I'd be nearby, like it would
help or something. Then, whenever I would start missing Lisa, I'd come
over, and Josh would take a walk with me. Even if he wasn't up to it.
Even if I was babbling about her. How could he do this to me?

He was just.... laying there, holding her. Don't I get to hold her?
Aren't I supposed to be the one to hold her? And Lisa..... How could
she.... could she.... I mean, it's Josh! Josh is old! Josh has Donna!
Josh has CJ! Who do I get? Don't I get to be happy? Do they not want me
to be happy? I think I want to go home. I can't go home though. Dad said
I wasn't welcome at home. It's been so long since I've been home. Bermuda
was nice, but it wasn't mom and Sarah at Christmas. Dad doesn't love me,
Lisa doesn't love me. Josh doesn't love me......

Sarah still loves me. I know Sarah still loves me. Sarah's always loved
me. I want to see Sarah. My car? I don't remember where I left my car.
I'll take a cab. A cab will take me to Rosslyn. No, I don't want to go to
Rosslyn. I want to see Sarah though. I'll just..... I'll close my eyes
when we drive by.... by there. That's it. I'll just close me eyes, and I
won't have to look. I don't want to see where Josh, where my, my best
friend almost died.

*

I can't stop apologizing to Sarah. I think I left my wallet at Josh's or
maybe I left it in my car. She's pays the driver though, and takes me by
the arm, and leads me through the living room into the kitchen. Last time
we talked, we sat on the patio, but I guess it's too cold for that, or
maybe it's just because it's Sunday and Sarah's still in her bathrobe.
She gives me that look, that look CJ gave me last week, and she asks how
I'm feeling. How should I be feeling? My Josh and my Lisa were in bed
together when I came over! How should I be feeling? Oh, gosh, I must have
said that out loud, 'cause Sarah's shushing me. I love my sister, and I
don't want her to stop loving me 'cause I woke her kids, so I shush.

I shush, but, but Sarah, it hurts.

It hurts, and I didn't mean to start crying. It just...... hurts.

She's getting me a box of Kleenex now, and talking to me quietly. She
sounds like mom. I wish I could go see mom. If I went to see mom for
Christmas, would dad break my jaw again? I don't think he would, but he
might. He's older now, and mom said he missed me a little, but I don't
want to fight. I really don't want to fight. Not in front of mom. Not
like last time.

I can hear Evan and Michael in the backyard. They're playing football.
Someday I'd like to do that. Not play football, I played football last
week with Josh and CJ on the lawn. I'd like to have kids though. My own
kids. I wanted them to be Lisa's. You know, someday, but she..... I don't
think she wants that. She might want kids, but she wants them to be
Josh's. "Sam? Sam, are you listening to me?" Oh, God. I was ignoring
Sarah. How could I ignore my sister. My sister's all I have left, and I
ignore her. What kind of human being does that make me?

"Sam, do you need your pills?" Nope, no more pills Sarah. No more pills
for me. I'm fine, it's just.... How should I feel? How should I feel when
Lisa and Josh are in bed together! How should I feel! "Sam, I want to
call your doctor. Can you give me his number?" Oh Sarah. Don't look so
worried. I'm feeling fine. Well, as fine as can be expected. They stabbed
me in the back Sarah. How fine do I need to be. Sarah, stop trying to
mother me. My baby sister shouldn't mother me like this. Besides,
Stanley's number is in my wallet. Where is my wallet? I keep checking my
pockets, but I don't know where it went. I'm forgetting things today.

I think I forgot about Lisa's gun. Yeah, I forgot about Lisa's gun. I
hope Josh didn't see it. No, maybe I hope he did see it. He's my best
friend though. What if he saw it and.... No, Lisa loves him. She wouldn't
let him hurt himself. Why did I leave it there? Maybe I already knew they
were together. Maybe I wanted to leave him the gun. I am such a horrible
person. How could I have wanted to leave Josh a gun? I should have taken
it for myself. Maybe her service revolver..... No, gave that back to....
to what's-his-name. I know she did. When she was moving. i saw her. I
think I saw her. Maybe I should go home and check. No, can't go home.
Home smells like Lisa. It smells like her perfume, her shampoo, her
skin...... Can't go home.

Stop looking at me like that Sarah. I'm fine. I'm just..... Just me.

*

She wouldn't let me go home. I can play with Meghan though. We're playing
with her, what was it called? Oh, right, her Easy Bake Oven. We make
cookies. Right here, with a light bulb. The surgeon general ought to
investigate that. Cookies baked under a light bulb cannot be healthy.
They can't be healthy, and I don't want anything to happen to my niece.
Nothing can happen to her. I won't let it. Meghan still loves me, even if
her mom and dad are talking about me in the kitchen. Michael looks like
he's talking about me. I can tell, 'cause he keeps looking at Sarah like
he want's to ask how we can be related. Maybe I should leave.

"I'm leaving Sarah." She's giving me that look again. Don't give me that
look, and don't call me a cab. I can walk. The walk will do me good. Josh
always says I'm a health nut. He's not a health nut. Does Lisa not like
health nuts? Maybe I ought to have eaten more of that chocolate junk she
loves. I'm going Sarah, and tell mom I love her. Tell the kids, and tell
yourself. I love you Sarah.

*

I should close my eyes, you know, so I don't have to look, but I can't
close my eyes and walk. I'll hurt myself. It's okay. I'll just..... No. I
can see him sitting there. Josh was sitting right there with a hole in
his chest, and I.... I couldn't move. I am such a worthless friend. I
should have looked for him sooner. Sooner. Maybe that's why he went
behind my back. He's punishing me for being a bad friend. I'm tired. I
think I'll, I'll sit down right here.

It's nice. I'm out of the wind now, and there aren't any reporters. No
one will see me if I just sit down and close my eyes. No one saw Josh,
and no one will see me.

The sidewalk is cold.

 

 

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