Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

This story goes along with I'll Be and it's sequel Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. It starts two months after Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely lets off.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 1

It had been a little over two months since my accident. I had received some head trauma, which caused me to have double vision and severe headaches for a week or so. My back injury could've been a lot worse; I guess the truck just narrowly missed my spinal cord. Unfortunately, I still had major muscle damage. As a result, I had lost most of my lower body strength. I wasn't able to walk or stand for long periods of time, though my physical therapist assured me it would eventually come back.

Unlike, last time when I couldn't work this time they practically begged me to as soon as my double vision went away. So I worked from my hospital bed via laptop and cell phone. And unlike last time, Donna was not at my side. In fact she hadn't even been to see me. My phone calls and e-mails to her went unreturned. Mrs. Bartlet told me that Donna was still in shock due to what she had said during our fight. She confessed that Donna might never get over it.

Yet here I was working on the house that I had bought for Donna. With me in the hospital, everyone else felt it was their duty to do a majority of the work. I was kind of grateful for that. But they would kill me if they saw me painting the nursery right now. Sure, I was allowed to work, but everyone knew what my limitations were and they weren't afraid to let me know about it. And to illustrate my point, I heard C.J. walking down the hallway.

"Joshua, just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" C.J. asked as she saw me painting.

"Painting a wall?" I replied knowing that she would be angry about my reply.

"Didn't your doctor say that you need to be limiting your standing? Sit down right now." She stated

"He said that..." I protested.

"Sit down Josh." C.J. commanded in a voice I knew better than to disagree with.

I did what I was told and I sat down in a chair I had purposely brought in the room. I mainly got around in a wheel chair but I wanted to walk a little so I had used my crutches. I had brought a chair in there as well because I knew I wouldn't be able to stand for long. The chair was for when I took my breaks.

"What are you trying to do? And don't say paint a wall because I can see that." C.J. asked sarcastically.

"I have nothing better to do." I replied honestly.

"Josh, it's Saturday afternoon there is a lot you can do. I mean how many Saturday's do we get off?" C.J. asked.

"Actually, we worked this morning so I..." I replied in a smart-alec voice.

"I meant...oh never mind. You are impossible sometimes. I don't know how Donna puts up with you." C.J. said as she threw her hands up in disgust.

My face fell. Donna hadn't been putting up with me and C.J. knew that. Her face turned a ghostly white once she realized what she said.

"I didn't mean it like that." She said softly.

"I know." I replied slowly, looking down to avoid the look of pity in her eyes.

"Why don't you just go home? Sam, Toby, and I had planned on painting in here today. We've got it covered." C.J. stated gently.

"Go home, that's funny C.J. Let me see should I go back to the apartment that barely has anything in it because I was getting ready to sell it? Or should I go back to the apartment in which I doubt I'm welcome?" I snapped, but I instantly regretted the harshness of my voice.

"And taking it out on me is going to solve all your problems? Didn't you see how much that helped last time?" C.J. replied in an equally harsh tone.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. And this isn't like the last time." I apologized.

"Josh have you been getting help with this?" C.J. asked as concern replaced the harshness.

"There's a plus side to needing physical therapy, you can schedule actual therapy sessions and nobody notices." I replied with a little smile.

"So you have talked to someone?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah the doctor that Stanley referred me too. I've only had to meet with him a couple of times since Christmas." I stated.

"Is it helping?" C.J. asked in an accusing tone.

"I thought it was, but I guess not." I replied getting annoyed with her accusations.

"I didn't mean it like that. I only meant that you've had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. You scared us last time and you said you were okay then." C.J. explained.

"I know I did. I'm sorry for that but I thought I could handle it on my own. I realize now that I was wrong. I got preventive help this time." I replied.

"Preventive help, maybe I should use that if it ever comes up in a press conference or something." C.J. stated.

"Okay what is your problem? What exactly have I done to anger you today?" I asked trying to figure out what was wrong.

"You've only been out of the hospital for less than a week. Your supposed to be trying to get your strength back not trying to kill yourself." C.J. commented.

"This is so different than last time." I said but from the look on her face she didn't care.

I got up and I kind of hobbled over to the window. The ledge was big enough to have a window seat and I had been contemplating putting in. I sat down and I kept my back to C.J. I looked outside and saw the spring was in full bloom. Spring was supposed to bring about hope.

"Josh, why are you doing this to yourself?" C.J. asked.

"Because I love her. I love her with all of my heart. I know that she is upset right now because she thinks I can't forgive her for what she said that day. I was hurt yes, but I knew she didn't mean it." I replied.

"But Josh she has pushed you out of her life and while she is carrying your child no less." C.J. stated.

"As much as I would like the baby to be mine..." I began.

"What are you saying? Josh?" C.J. asked in a shocked voice.

"I'm saying that the baby isn't mine. I wish I was the father." I repeated softly.

"How can you even say that?" C.J. asked tugging on my shoulder and pulling me around to face her.

"I'll give you the long version. Donna had a boyfriend Robbie before we were married. They were together somewhere around a month. I met him once and it made me realize that she needed someone better. I was jealous so I began to examine my jealously and I realized that I had feelings for her. It took Amy's death for me to realize that I loved Donna. I loved her and that is why I was jealous and that was why I ached inside whenever we were apart for too long." I began.

"Oh Josh." C.J. mumbled.

"Anyway, I went in to work that morning needing to tell Donna about my loss. I needed her to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. But I found her in my office curled into a ball. She looked as shattered and as broken as I felt inside. When she told me it was Robbie who died, I instantly knew I would have to wait to tell her about Amy. As I comforted her she announced that she thought she was carrying Robbie's child. I knew in that instant that I had been given the chance that I was waiting for." I continued.

"Josh." C.J. said softly.

"I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to be her baby's father. I told her that I wanted to be there for both of them. I still do." I replied softly.

"I'm gonna kill her." C.J. muttered under her breath.

I raised my eyebrows but I didn't pursue the matter. I couldn't stop C.J. from being mad at Donna, when there were times I could barely stop myself. I was about to say something when I heard Sam screaming from the living room. I shrugged my shoulders and I counted to three on my fingers. When I got to three Sam appeared.

"C.J., Toby have you seen Josh? I really need to..." Sam began but stopped when he realized C.J. was talking to me and not Toby.

"Hi Sam." I said and I gave him a little wave.

"Josh, this came for you after you left." Sam said slowly as he waved an envelope.

I saw the envelope that he had in his hand and I knew what it was. I tried to conceal the horror I felt inside. C.J. must have caught a glimpse of that horror in my eyes because she began to yell at Sam.

"Are you stupid or something?" She asked icily.

"What did I do now?" Sam asked sheepishly.

"Do you have any idea..." C.J. began but I raised my hand up and she stopped.

"It's not Sam's fault." I said gently.

"See." Sam said as he looked over at C.J. and grinned. "What's in here anyway?"

"Divorce papers from Donna, I assume." I stated quietly.

The gleeful expression on Sam's face changed to a look of sadness. I couldn't look at either one of them so I turned and looked back out the window. I wanted to crumple the envelope up and burn its contents. But I knew that I couldn't. Donna didn't want to be my wife anymore. I guess I should have figured that out.

"Josh do you want to talk about this?" C.J. asked softly.

"Not right now. I need to go and think about some things." I replied as I turned and began to leave the room.

"Do you want us to finish..." Sam began to ask, but C.J. stopped him.

"Yes he does. Sam, I have an errand to run myself. Will you tell Toby that I'll be back later?" C.J. asked.

"Uh huh. Josh, I didn't know what it was. I swear." Sam stated softly.

"I know." I replied and I went in to the other room and I got into my wheelchair.

"Do you need any help?" C.J. asked.

"I'll manage." I replied with a heavy sigh.

"Will you call me later if you are ready to talk?" C.J. asked.

I nodded even though we both knew that I probably wasn't going to call. I made my way to my car and I put the wheelchair in the back seat. The divorce papers had been shoved into my book bag. I hadn't even opened them yet. I never wanted too.

So you sailed away
In to a gray sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Best I Ever Had - 2



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