Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.
Best I ever had
"I'm sorry that Mr. Lyman was unable to be here today but I'm sure you'll tell him all about the good news." Dr. Andi Alison began.
"The good news?" I asked in an unsure voice.
"Oh yes, I guess I didn't tell you did I? You are having twins, possibly triplets." Dr. Alison replied with a smile.
"Excuse me?" I asked in a shocked voice.
"Yup, I'd say the twins are almost three months along." Dr. Alison stated.
"Shouldn't I be closer to four months?" I asked in the same shocked voice.
"It's possible, but I highly doubt it. Why was there some romantic weekend that you wanted to have done the trick?" Dr. Alison asked.
"Something like that." I muttered.
I changed back into my clothes and as I did, I did a little math. If the doctor said that I was barely three months along that meant that I couldn't have been pregnant with Robbie's child. As I let that sink in for a moment it suddenly dawned on me who the father was. Josh was the father of my twins and not Robbie.
I felt a huge wave of panic come over me. The doctor had to be wrong. They never could be one hundred percent could they? I couldn't be carrying Josh's babies. I couldn't be carrying Josh's babies because I just filed for divorce.
I walked out to my car and I smacked myself on the forehead. Oh what had I done? I hadn't talked to Josh since that fight I had with him in his office. I felt too ashamed to go visit him in the hospital. And then when he came back to work earlier this week I felt too ashamed because I wasn't even his assistant anymore. I had forced myself out of his life.
Everyone had been really supportive of me. They hadn't had a word about me not going to visit Josh in the hospital. Hell, I didn't even know the full extent of his injuries. I knew that he was in a wheelchair but I had also seen him walking around with crutches. My mind just wouldn't let me get past what I had told him. I couldn't get past that I told him to get hit by a car.
Granted, I know I was mad. But I was mad about something really stupid. And granted I didn't mean what I said, but how many people actually get hit by a car after someone to tells them to? I felt so immensely guilty that I even considered quitting my job.
I would quit my job but I have nowhere else to go. I'm three months pregnant, with twins no less and the people I work with are the closest thing I have to family. I can't really go home because I don't get along real well with my folks. They are still mad at me for allowing myself to get mixed up with Dr. Freeride, as Josh loves to refer to him as. Plus, they would hate me for divorcing the father of my babies.
I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and I'm pretty sure that this ranked right up there. I needed to talk to Josh. I needed to tell him that I was sorry and that didn't really want the divorce. I needed to hold him and tell him that I loved him.
I started to drive to his apartment but I stopped and went back to my place. It would be pretty na´ve of me to just go over to his apartment and expect him to forgive me. I knew that he sent me flowers every day, but was there another reason behind them? Did he just want me to think that he wasn't mad at me? Knowing Josh I knew that it was probably tearing him up inside.
I went to my apartment and I saw a lot of Josh's things. We had been living together for about a month before his accident. I picked up our wedding picture. A beautiful waterfall was in the background and we both looked so happy. I traced his image with my finger as a tear streamed down my cheek.
"I'm so sorry Josh." I whispered.
Nothings quite the same, now
I just say your name now
I wiped the tear away and then there was a knock at my door. A smile came to my lips as I thought that it could be Josh. I looked through the peephole and I saw C.J. instead. She didn't look very happy either. With a sigh I opened the door and I let her in.
"Hi, is there something you wanted?" I asked once I let her in.
"I think it's about time that we had a little chat." C.J. replied in a harsh tone.
I looked down at the floor. I felt like a little kid who had been caught doing something wrong and was about to be punished. C.J. and Josh were friends and I knew that. I knew that they all weren't going to stand by and say nothing to me forever. C.J. was really mad and I think it was because she knew what I was doing to Josh.
"I can't believe you could be so cruel." C.J. began.
"Why?" I asked quietly.
"Do you know what you're doing to him? I bet you probably do because you've been around him enough to know that he wears his heart out on his sleeve. I was there that day when you were so afraid that he wouldn't be able to forgive you for what you said. I was the one who comforted you, and I told you that Josh loved you and that he would forgive you. I never dreamed that you would just stop talking to him. I never dreamed that you would let that stupid fight come between the two of you." C.J. lashed out.
"But I told him..." I began in a trembling voice.
"I don't care what you told him. So you told him to go get hit by a car, so what. I mean come on that's just an expression. No one ever really means it to happen." C.J. snapped.
"But it did happen." I said weakly.
"Yeah, you're right you told Josh to get hit by a car and he did. That right there should show that he is willing to do anything for you." C.J. snapped sarcastically.
"I also said that he should've died the night he was shot." I protested.
"Oh yeah I forgot about that one." C.J. said as she rolled her eyes. "You know when he woke up in the hospital the second time his first question was about you. When we told him you weren't there he was crushed. If he was mad at you then wouldn't he have been joyous you weren't there? And if he was mad at you why would he make sure you have a fresh bouquet of flowers every day?"
"I don't know." I said in an ashamed voice.
"The thing that gets me is that you're what three months pregnant or more?" C.J. asked.
"Yeah." I replied slowly.
C.J. paused to gather her thoughts and it made me remember when I announced that I was pregnant. I announced it while Josh was still in his three-day coma or whatever it was. No one was sure whether to be happy or sad because it looked like Josh wasn't going to be around to be the father. I had told Josh that I wanted to wait and tell everyone when we could tell them all together. I bet that crushed him when he found out I told everyone. God, I've been a bitch, no wonder C.J. is laying into me.
"I was talking to Josh about that today and he told me something very interesting." C.J. said as she angrily let her sentence hang.
Oh no, Josh told C.J. that I was carrying Robbie's child. Why did he tell her? Oh and how am I going to tell him that I'm probably carrying his twins? How is he ever going to believe me? And if C.J. knows who else knows? I'm screwed and C.J. knows it.
"Don't worry I forced the little confession out of him. You know the saddest part of this all is that he truly wanted to be the child's father. He was all ready to be a father and you have taken that away from him too. I don't know what you thought to accomplish by telling him that he could be the father and then just yanking that away. You know how his state of mind has been lately. I'm sure that it's only gotten worse with your betrayal." C.J. snapped.
"I never said that I was taking the baby away from him." I protested.
"Oh yeah so what the divorce is just a minor technicality? Like he can really get legal visiting rights to a child that isn't biologically his, and that isn't even born yet." C.J. exploded.
Tears that had been welling up in my eyes began to cascade down my cheeks. C.J. was making me out to be this horrible monster. The worst part about it all was that she was absolutely right. I had been so horrible to Josh. I deserved to be the one who got hit by the truck. I deserved to be the one who died.
"He still loves you though. Despite everything that you have put him through he still loves you. He didn't marry you just because you were pregnant. He married you because he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with you." C.J. said, her voice suddenly soft and gentle.
"How can he still love me? Isn't that why I have done the things I have? I haven't talked to him since that day I screamed at him in his office. I have ignored him and I have asked for a divorce. I basically let him believe that I didn't give a damn about him." I screamed through my tears.
"I don't know why you did the things you did. But I do know that you still care about him." C.J. replied quietly.
I was stunned. Why did C.J. do this turnaround? I was evil, I was a bitch, and I deserved to be yelled at. Why did she suddenly try and take my side? I could tell that she was still angry with me, why didn't she just let that anger continue to flow?
"I came here today because I was there when Josh received the divorce papers. He was trying not to show any emotion, but he couldn't hide the pain from his eyes. Up until this afternoon I think that he still had some hope that you would forgive him." C.J. replied as if she was reading my mind. "I was so angry at you for destroying him and I thought that we all had been silent long enough. But I realized that you were scared. You were scared of losing the man you love so you pushed him away. You pushed him away so that it would be your fault and not his."
"I'm so sorry." I said in a whisper.
"Do you really want the divorce?" C.J. asked as I shook my head. "Then you have to tell him that."
"I don't deserve him." I moaned.
"Maybe not, but he deserves to be happy. And that month before his accident he was the happiest that I have ever seen him. He wasn't even grumpy in the mornings." C.J. joked.
"It was the happiest I have ever been." I confessed.
"Then you have to find him and you have to tell him that. If you go through with this divorce than you will be losing a terrific guy. You will be losing a man who loves you with all his heart." C.J. stated.
C.J. left a few minutes later. I felt more confused than ever. It made me again think of all the mistakes I have made in my life. I couldn't let losing Josh be one of them. But how could he ever take me back? He would be crazy to after all I have put him through. How could I hurt someone who I loved more than anything? He was the best thing in my life. Why was I so cruel?
But it's not so bad
You're only the best
I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best
I ever had