Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.
Best I ever had
I drove away and I wasn't exactly sure where to go. A voice in my head screamed for me to go over to Donna's. I shoved that thought aside even though I could use the excuse that I was getting my things. Donna was the last person I wanted to see right now. I could feel an ache in my chest, an ache that only she could cause.
I hadn't really been paying too much attention to where I was driving when suddenly I realized I was at the White House. I guess I could go and sulk in my office. No one was still here anyway. I would be unnoticed and I could get angry in peace.
I grabbed my crutches and I hobbled inside. I didn't even bother to grab the wheelchair out. So what if I was going to exhaust myself, I didn't really give a damn. I made it to my office in record time. Okay, record time for someone with crutches, and with an agenda on his mind. But I was also exhausted after about halfway to my office.
I made it to my office and I sank down on my couch. I had no idea what I was going to do. I pulled my bag onto the couch with me. The divorce papers were still unopened and thrown carelessly inside. Did I really want to look at them? Deciding that I had better I unzipped the bag and pulled them out.
I glanced over them, as the lawyer I had gone to school to be would look at them. The lawyer in me was saying that everything looked to be in perfect order. The husband in me was saying that this wasn't right. I didn't know what to do.
I went to my desk and I grabbed a picture of Donna and me. I sank back down on the couch looking at her smile. God, she was beautiful, and we looked so happy in this picture. C.J. had taken it before we were even a couple. Actually come to think of it the picture was taken the day before I was shot.
I looked at the divorce papers that I had placed on the floor and the picture in my hand. Where had everything gone so wrong? What had I done to make Donna hate me so much? I know we had a fight but was it really worth getting a divorce over? I wasn't sure what we had even been fighting about anymore. That day was such a blur.
After a while I felt myself starting to fall asleep. I tried to fight it for a while but I decided to give in. I hadn't been sleeping a lot lately, so I guessed that I should take any sleep that wants to come my way. I began to dream about the shooting again. I had done a lot of that lately. But this time was different; this time Donna had pulled the trigger.
I jolted awake and I realized that I was breathing extremely hard. I was clutching my chest as I did that night. I also noticed that Toby was right next to me with a worried expression on his face. He looked as if he had been trying to wake me up.
"Hi." I said as I still tried to catch my breath.
"You okay?" Toby asked slowly.
"Yeah why?" I replied even though he knew I was lying.
"I wasn't even aware that anyone was here. I had just come back from a meeting and was on my way to paint when I heard glass shatter. I came here and I saw that you were having some sort of nightmare." Toby stated concerned as I looked down at the floor.
I must've still had the picture in my hand when the nightmare started because it was shattered on the floor. Glass was lying everywhere. I checked my hands to make sure I wasn't bleeding. I would get in so much trouble if I cut my hand again.
"I have nightmares still. The doctor said that they are normal, and can be brought on by some major emotional change." I said quietly.
"Did something happen today?" Toby asked softly.
"Donna filed for divorce." I said slowly.
"Oh she went through with it huh?" Toby said absently.
"You knew about this?" I asked in a shocked voice.
"She is my assistant now Josh." Toby snapped harshly, but judging from the look on his face he didn't mean for it to sound like that.
"I didn't realize that she told you her innermost secrets." I snapped back.
"Josh, I didn't mean to find out. I just caught Donna at her desk talking to a lawyer. I overheard part of her conversation. And when I asked Donna about it later she said that she was considering it. I didn't know you were going to get mad at me for not telling you." Toby stated trying not to look like the bad guy.
"I'm not mad at you." I replied weakly.
"Believe me Josh I know what you're feeling right now. I'm a divorced man, remember?" Toby said trying to make a joke.
"How are things with C.J. going?" I asked as his face turned red.
"We were talking about you and Donna." Toby replied as he was trying to play it off.
"I don't know what to do Toby. I guess I'll just sign the thing and give her what she wants." I replied.
"Is that what you really want?" Toby asked.
"No, but this paper isn't about what I want. If were about what I want then I wouldn't be here talking to you right now. I would be with my wife." I replied quietly.
"I know. Josh are you sure that your okay? I mean with everything that has happened to you lately..." Toby's voice trailed.
"You have been spending too much time with C.J. I believe I already got this lecture two hours ago. I'll tell you what I told her I've been talking to someone. I'm fine, Toby. Well, as fine I can be when the woman I love doesn't want to be married to me anymore." I stated.
"Wanna get drunk?" Toby asked in a way that I just had to smile about.
"I'd love too, but one of the medicines I'm taking won't allow it." I replied with a frown.
"You aren't getting addicted to that stuff are you? I mean we already almost had a disaster with Leo." Toby asked with a half-smile.
"Funny. No it's some sort of medicine that helps my blood circulation. I dunno I barely paid attention to what my doctor said." I commented.
"I can see that." Toby said as he pointed to my crutches.
"Hey he never said that I couldn't walk at all." I replied.
"Ahhh, I see." Toby replied.
"Anyway don't you have to get to Sam? He is alone at the house." I said.
"Yeah. C.J. called and said that she was on her way back over." Toby stated and I watched his eyes light up.
"Somebody's in love." I teased.
"Oh yeah well, I doubt I could look as goofy as you." Toby replied as I tried to protest. "Or have you forgotten your bouncy days? Leo wanted us to make sure you cut back on your coffee. But C.J. told him that wasn't it."
"My bouncy days are over." I commented sadly.
"Have you even tried to talk to her?" He asked.
"Do I even need to justify that with a response?" I asked.
"No, talk to her. I mean physically go up to her and talk to her." Toby commanded.
"Aye-Aye Captain." I mocked.
"Joshua, I'm being serious about this." Toby warned.
"Yeah I'll get the door slammed in my face once more for good measure." I stated angrily.
"So you are just going to let her have the divorce?" Toby asked.
"I don't know." I replied with a shrug.
"You love her Josh. Don't make the same mistake I did with Andrea." Toby stated.
"I don't even know if she will talk to me. I don't even know if she still cares about me. I haven't talk to her in two months." I said softly.
"She loves you. She drives me nuts because she is too consumed in trying to catch glimpses of you to be my assistant." Toby offered.
"She has not been trying too spy on me." I protested.
"Care to place a bet on that? There are security camera's here somewhere." Toby offered.
"So why does she suspiciously leave her desk every time I have to come talk to you?" I asked.
"Are you really that dense?" Toby asked.
"What did I do? I have sent her e-mails, I have called her, and I have sent her flowers everyday? How does her leaving her desk and me not knowing why make me dense?" I asked.
"Because she feels guilty for what she said, because she feels guilty because you got hurt, and because she's afraid that you will hate her because she feels guilty." Toby stated.
"I'm glad we cleared that up. Toby, I can see why your marriage lasted." I cracked.
"She thinks that you want the divorce." Toby clarified.
"Oh yeah I'm really acting like a man who wants a divorce." I replied in an exasperated voice.
"Have you gone out of your way to see her? I mean have you gone and gotten your things from her apartment? Have you told her that you are making the rest of the senior staff re-model a house for her? Have you..." Toby began but interrupted him.
"So this is my fault now?" I asked.
"Yeah, couldn't you get out of the way?" Toby asked but instantly regretted that remark.
"No, I think I have already shown my inability to get out of the way of danger." I replied.
"Josh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. This wasn't your fault. Just don't give up on Donna yet. I'll talk to her for you." Toby offered.
"Great then she'll just think it's her fault even more." I muttered under my breath.
"I heard that. I know you're upset right now. I know that you think you have exhausted your options. But don't you owe it to your heart to see if there is at least one more?" Toby asked.
I could only nod. Damn, he was good. He just smiled at me and left my office. That whole conversation was weird. Toby had smiled too much. He did make a couple of good points though. I should try at least once more.
I bent down and I started to clean up the glass. C.J. would kill me if she found out from the janitorial staff that there was glass on my carpet. Once I was satisfied that I had cleaned all of the glass up, I picked the picture back up.
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
Donna was my world. I had been so looking forward to being her baby's father. I couldn't just give her up. I shoved the divorce papers back into my bag. I hoped to be burning them soon. Donna wasn't going to get rid of me that easily.
Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better