Disclaimer: Nope, still aren't mine
Summary: Josh has to deal with losing the most important thing in his life.
Spoilers: Anything could pop up
She Would Have Said Yes
I paid the cabdriver and I waved him off. I found it was cold as I walked through the cemetery to her gravesite. I thought that the weather was fitting of my mood. I felt so cold and empty without her. Little snowflakes fell down from the sky as I made my somber trek. Snowflakes used to make me happy but they didn't anymore. In fact, now they made me want to cringe.
I found the gravesite and I knelt down. With my gloved hands I gently brushed the snow away from her tombstone. Then my fingers traced over the name, Donna, which was newly engraved into the granite. The wounds were still so fresh and I had to blink the tears away. I longed for a chance to switch places with her. I longed for the chance to hold her once more and tell her that I loved her.
I sat in the snow and I wondered why she had been ripped away from me just when I was about to finally let her in. The engagement ring that I had planned on giving her that night seemed to burn a hole in my coat pocket now. Even it seemed to know that it had belonged on her finger. Still, I couldn't bear to take it out and put it somewhere else. I continued to keep it close to my heart, like I had planned on keeping her.
Donna had always joked that I would never get up the courage to ask her until it was too late. She knew how much I loved her, I had told her as much. But she also knew how scared I was of failure, which is why I had never gotten around to asking her to marry me. We had just fit so perfectly together and I had been afraid of messing that up.
As I sat there in the snow the night of accident that took her away came back to me. It had been lightly snowing that night, but neither one of us had thought much about it. Snow was just a normal part of winter. I think now that we never should have ventured out. If we hadn't then Donna would still be alive.
The fact of the matter was that we had ventured out because I had this great proposal planned. The monuments of the city always looked better when the lights were on and they were a little snow covered. Especially when the white Christmas lights had yet to be taken down. She had mentioned this to me once, and I had hoped I would score extra points for remembering something so simple.
I remembered a lot more than she knew. In fact, I remembered a lot more than I cared to. I remembered all the mean and hateful things that I ever said to her. Things said carelessly out of anger, never things I truly meant. I realized now as I stared at her tombstone she must have known I didn't mean them; otherwise she would have been gone a long time ago. She had told me once that I would find her valuable, and I had never gotten a chance to tell her how she was right she was.
Still, those memories hurt because I hated it when I made her cry. Something always tugged at my heart every time she tried to avoid crying in front of me. I should have known the first time that happened how much she meant to me. But like a fool I hadn't listened to what my heart was trying to tell me. I would apologize immediately and say something stupid about myself to make her laugh, usually she would smile back at me and that meant I was forgiven. Not that I expected her to but that's just how things were between us. She understood my mouth had a tendency to run away from me sometimes, and that usually I was truly sorry.
I can remember other things too. Like every time she smiled her face lit up and her blue eyes sparkled. Or how she always smelled softly of vanilla. It was a scent that always lingered long after she had left the room, a scent that I probably will always look around for her whenever I smell it.
I can also remember the first time I saw her. God, she was beautiful that day. The way that the light had caught her long blonde hair had been enough to drive me wild. At the time I was with another so I couldn't really act on my impulses, but now I wondered if it would have made a difference. I wondered what would have happened if I had asked her a out sooner. We would probably have a family by now I theorized, something that she had always said she wanted to have with me.
I closed my eyes as I felt a new on-set of tears. I knew my friends were worried about me. And I knew it was because all I had seemed to do was withdraw from the world since I had gotten the news that she was never coming back. I knew that their worry was warranted but for the time being I didn't care. I was now finally getting the chance to say good-bye.
I can't really remember the accident that claimed her life. I had been told that the car I was driving had hit a patch of ice and had spun around into the on-coming lane. I received a gash to the forehead and a severe head injury, while she hadn't been quite as lucky. They said that she was killed instantly and I hoped that was true. The thought of her feeling any pain before she died was enough to make me scream.
I hadn't woken up until almost a week later. The doctor's thought for a while there that I was going to join her. When I had finally woken up my friends had all drawn straws to see which one of them was going to tell me. My best friend Sam had drawn the short straw. But by that time I had already sort of figured it out since no one would tell me anything about her.
Sam had come in and he sat down in the chair beside me. A tear rolled down his cheek before he could even begin to tell me what was wrong. I mean really how would you react if you had to tell your best friend that the love of his life was gone? I knew at that point my worst fears were confirmed my whole life was gone.
'She's gone isn't she?'
'Yes. Josh, I'm so sorry.'
'I didn't get the chance to ask her Sam. She died still thinking I was afraid. She died without knowing how I truly felt about her.'
'I think she knew that you loved her.'
'Sam she's gone, and all you can say is you think she knew?'
'Josh she knew. She had to know because, it was written on your face every time you looked at her.'
'I love her so much Sam. How am I supposed to go on without her?'
That was a question that still had not been answered. Donna was gone and it was all my fault. Everyone had assured me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the accident. I couldn't really believe them because I knew there must have been some way that I could have known. There must have been some way that I missed.
It bothered me that I had survived the crash. Had we just veered into the other lane it would have been me who had gotten killed. But the car had spun and Donna was the unlucky one. She didn't deserve to die. I was the one who should have died. I was the one who should have a tombstone.
The wind picked up a little and I shivered. I knew I really shouldn't be sitting in the snow. Pneumonia didn't scare me now though. In fact even the thought of dying didn't scare me anymore because at least then I would be with her. I probably shouldn't even be outside since I had only been released from the hospital that morning. But I had given up caring.
"Josh, what are you doing here?" Sam scolded once he came over to where I was sitting.
"I came to say good-bye Sam." I replied tiredly.
I was tired of trying to put on a brave front for all of them. They knew how much Donna had meant to me. They couldn't just very well expect me to go on my merry way and pretend that nothing happened. Donna meant so much more to me than that.
"You shouldn't have come here yet. Josh, you just got out of the hospital." Sam reprimanded.
"You think I don't know that?" I asked trying not to raise my voice in front of Donna's final resting place.
"Come on let me take you home." Sam urged.
"Give me a minute." I protested.
Sam nodded and he stood right there as I murmured a Hebrew prayer. Then I placed some rocks on the top of her tombstone as a sign of respect. The tears were flowing freely now and I didn't give a damn on whether or not Sam saw them. Donna would have become my wife if she had gotten the chance, and I had every right to grieve for her.
I didn't say a word as Sam lead me back to his car as if I were a stray puppy dog. I could be angry with him but I didn't really have any energy to get into a fight with him. He would say some things that I really needed to hear, but I just wasn't ready to hear them yet. Sam must have realized this because we were both silent on the way back to my apartment.
"I got worried when I stopped in to check on you and you weren't there." Sam stated once we had gotten into my apartment.
"I guess you knew where to look." I replied without looking at him.
"I was afraid that you had done something stupid Josh." Sam replied as he grabbed my arm and forced me to look at him.
"Something stupid, what else could I possibly do that is stupid? I mean I already killed Donna, how many more stupid things can a person do?" I exploded.
"It was an accident Josh. It wasn't your fault." Sam calmly replied.
"Then why can't I remember it? Why can't remember the last moments of Donna's life? Shouldn't I at least have to remember what I did?" I asked.
"Josh this wasn't your fault, and that's probably why you can't remember it. You couldn't have prevented it." Sam replied gently.
The tears that I had been so good at holding back flowed freely down my cheeks now because I knew he was right. Donna had died that night and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent it. Though I had to admit that it didn't make things hurt any less.
"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself Josh." Sam stated quietly.
I only nodded to him as I took the ring from its place in my pocket. I opened the box and I imaged how the diamond would have sparkled after it had been placed on her finger. I imaged how happy she would have been to show it off to her friends. And most importantly, I imagined how happy her wearing that ring would have made me.
I closed the box and I placed it back in my pocket. Then I took a hand across my face and I wiped the tears away. Sam gave me an awkward hug. I weakly smiled back at him once he pulled away.
"She would have said yes you know?" I said softly.
"Yeah Josh I know." Sam replied solemnly.