Disclaimer: I don't own these characters they belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. I also don't own the song.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
By Mer

Part 2

I can't believe that I just screamed at Josh like that. I mean I shouldn't have really even had a reason to go off on him. Granted I did find a notepad that he had drawn a picture of my late-boyfriend on, but still to scream at him like that. Yikes, I was probably going to get into a lot of trouble for that. I had even almost broken his door twice.

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gazing for me
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

I collapsed onto his couch sobbing. I knew that he was going to fundraiser with the President and he wouldn't be back until later, but I still felt really horrible. I don't even know where all the harsh words were coming from. I had been married to him for a month now, and never once had he even mentioned Robbie's name in a harsh tone.

"Donna, are you okay?" C.J.'s voice timidly called from just outside the door.

"No." I managed to mumble through my tears.

C.J. opened the door and came in. She sat beside me on the couch. Her face was full of concern, yet she couldn't seem to find the right words to say.

"Honey, what did Josh do?" She asked softly, and then braced for an angry reply.

"He didn't really even do anything wrong." I replied, as the tears fell harder.

"What happened?" She asked as she rubbed my back.

"I blew up at him for totally no reason. And he just stood there and took it. He calmly told me that he loved me, all the while I was screaming that he couldn't love anyone but himself." I replied in between sobs.

"I see." C.J. replied slowly, still not grasping the cause of the fight.

"I found an old notepad of his and there was a drawing of my friend Robbie who died. Except he wasn't just a friend, C.J. he was my boyfriend." I admitted.

I looked up at C.J. and I could see a cloud of confusion on her face. She had been in Chicago when Josh had met Robbie. And she never was told that I was seeing anyone until Josh and I came back married. She knew that I had a friend die, but she just didn't know how close of one he was.

"We had been dating for a little over a month when he died." I clarified weakly.

"And then you married, Josh?" She asked, still confused.

"Yes." I replied quietly.

"So you found this notepad that Josh drew on before Robbie died and yelled at him for it, even though you knew that he never meant Robbie any physical harm?" C.J. asked.

"Yes." I admitted softly.

I could see that C.J. knew a piece to the puzzle was missing. That piece being I was carrying Robbie's child. I knew that they had assumed that Josh and I were secretly dating, but this wasn't making any sense to her. I didn't want to get Josh in trouble, so I kept her in the dark about the baby.

"Josh told me that he loved me and that he wanted to hold me in his arms forever. C.J. he saw me crying in his office, over a guy he was sure was going to break up with me. He never said it aloud this time, but I could tell from the jealous look he had on his face what he was thinking. When Robbie died Josh found me and comforted me and he professed his love. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I know it was a little soon, but he looked like he needed me as much as I needed him." I sobbed, a little softer now.

"Donna, Josh did need you. Did Josh tell you who else was in that plane crash?" C.J. asked slowly.

"No, I mean he went with me to the memorial service, but I thought he was just supporting me. He never said anything about anyone else being killed, I mean at least not anyone we knew." I replied as a confused look came over me.

"Josh's cousin Amy also died. I guess she was really close to Joanie, they were about the same age or something." C.J. said.

"He never told me." I said quietly.

"I'm sorry. Leo told us at a meeting we had after you guys left. He told me to keep it out of the media, but I didn't know Josh didn't tell anyone else." C.J. stated softly.

"Now I just feel worse because he didn't tell me." I complained.

"I think he didn't tell you, so that you wouldn't feel diminished in your grief over Robbie. I mean he probably didn't tell you so that his loss didn't seem greater than yours. Donna, he has lost so many loved ones that he probably figured he didn't have much time before he lost you too." C.J. comforted.

I felt even worse now. I had always assumed that Josh had married me because he wanted to be a father to my baby. But now I was beginning to think that he married me because he really needed me. I knew that he hardly had any family left, and with his cousin's death, he probably thought he was running out of time to have a family. I felt like the lowest scum on the earth

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

"Hey look at me. Josh loves you Donna. No matter what happened today he still loves you." C.J. soothed.

"I said some horrible things C.J. I told him never to come back, I told him to get hit by a car." I cried.

"Donna, Josh knows you didn't mean it. When he comes back you can just wrap him up in a hug, and I'm sure that it will be forgotten. You know that he can never stay mad at you for long." C.J. said encouragingly.

"I wish that I could hug him right now. I now feel terrible about what I said, I mean even more so. I accused him of some pretty awful things and he let me. He didn't defend himself, really." I moaned.

"I'm sure that he did, but you probably weren't listening so he stopped. He knows that you love him. Trust me, I don't think he'll give you up that easily." C.J. said with a smile.

"I hope not. I don't know what I would do if he did." I whispered.

"Donna, if Josh had that weak of a spirit he would've died when he was shot." C.J. stated.

"Oh God, I just remembered that I told him I wished he had died then too." I sobbed.

"Shhh, don't worry, when he comes back you can make everything right with him." C.J. said as she gave me a hug.

"What if I don't get that chance? I mean what if something bad really does happen to him? The last words I will have said to him were I hope you die." I sobbed.

"Donna, Josh will come back and he will be fine. But even on the rarest chance that something does happen to him, he knows that you love him. He knows that you didn't mean it." C.J. soothed.

I suddenly got an idea. I ran over to his phone and I dialed his cell phone number. After a couple of rings I got a message that basically said Josh's phone was either not on, or not charged. I slammed the phone down in disgust. It was my job to make sure that his phone was charged each night; I guess I forgot last night.

"Why don't you try paging him?" C.J. suggested.

I nodded but then stopped when I noticed Josh's pager on the floor. He had a habit of slipping his suit jacket over the back of his desk chair, and it must have fallen out. Our fight had caused him to rush out so he didn't have a chance to notice it was gone. I almost threw the pager but C.J, interrupted my throw.

"Josh would be mad if you broke his pager." She said with a smile.

"You're probably right." I sighed.

"Donna, it'll be okay. Just bring Josh some coffee when he comes back." C.J. suggested.

"Then he'll think that I got fired or something." I responded.

"Nah, Leo's home sick." C.J. replied with a laugh.

"Probably a good thing. He is already unhappy that we got married without telling him. He warned us not to show to many public displays of affection or whatever. I think I blew that thin line." I stated.

"Yeah I bet that you probably did to. I think that even people on the tours could hear you." C.J. joked.

"Great I'm sure there will be questions at your next briefing about who the yelling was coming from." I mumbled.

"Oh I'll just say it was some irate members of Josh's fan club who were upset that he was out of his office." C.J. replied.

"But he wasn't." I said sobbing again.

"Hey guys, where's Josh?" Sam asked as he poked his head in the room.

"At a fundraiser with the president." C.J. replied.

"Oh yeah. Hey Donna, are things okay with you and Josh?" Sam asked as C.J. shot him an evil look.

"I don't know." I replied in-between sobs.

"Things are going to be just fine with her and Josh. They had their first big fight today. But it's nothing to worry about." C.J. stated.

"I did most of the fighting." I confessed.

"Don't worry Donna, everyone gets that mad at Josh at least once a week." Sam offered.

"Sam!" C.J. said in a warning tone.

"Oh look gotta go. Tell Josh that I need to talk to him about the thing." Sam said.

"The thing?" I asked.

"Yeah, he'll know what I'm referring to." Sam replied, as his cheeks got all red.

"Bye Sam." C.J. said as she practically pushed him out of Josh's office.

Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely - 3

 

 

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