Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 6

I had barely even laid down on my couch when there was wild pounding at the door. I could hear Sam screaming at me. I got up and thrust open the door and that nearly knocked Sam over.

"What?" I asked annoyed.

"Donna, you need to come with me." Sam commanded.

"Let me get my coat." I muttered.

I felt really sick and weak. I knew that this was a normal part of a pregnancy, but I doubted being summoned when I felt this way was. Sam helped me get my coat on and he practically ran with me to his car. I slumped down in the seat.

"Donna, are you okay?" Sam asked concerned.

"I told you I was sick." I protested.

"Oh yeah." Sam replied.

He was driving kind of fast. I knew that something major must've happened. Maybe Josh was having another panic attack or something. Though I was pretty sure he hadn't had one of those in a long time. He wasn't even having nightmares.

"Sam!" I yelled as he took a corner too fast. " What the hell is your hurry?"

"Josh was in an accident." Sam replied, ignoring my comment about his driving.

"What?" I screeched.

"Josh was in an accident." He repeated only this time he said it really slowly.

"Stop the car!" I said as I felt a fresh wave of nausea.

Sam obliged and I got out and threw up on the sidewalk. Sam looked at me helplessly. I closed my eyes for a moment and the feeling went away.

"Are you sure your okay?" Sam asked.

"I'm pregnant Sam." I replied.

"Well, you didn't have to get sarcastic with me." Sam replied.

"No, Sam I really am pregnant." I replied.

"Oh..." Sam said as if a light was coming on.

"I'm better now. We can go, just not so fast okay." I said as I got back in the car.

Josh was in an accident. I couldn't believe it. I felt a shiver go up my spine. No a car couldn't have hit him. No something else had to have happened to him. Tears streamed down my cheeks as part of our conversation played through my head.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something."

"I love you and I hope you don't mean that."

"Well, I'm damn serious about that."

We made it to the hospital and found C.J., Toby, Mrs. Bartlett, and President Bartlett waiting for us. C.J. came and gave me a hug. And then she led me to a couch. It was the same couch that I sat on last time Josh was at this hospital.

"Donna, we think that Josh was hit by a delivery truck." Mrs. Bartlett began.

"He's in surgery now." C.J. added gently.

"He's lost a lot of blood." Mrs. Bartlett continued.

"It's bad, isn't it?" I asked and from the looks on their faces, I knew it was really bad.

I pulled away from C.J. and I went to the chapel. I had gone there to pray the last time Josh was in surgery. I reached one of the pews and I began to sob uncontrollably. This was all my fault. If Josh died it was all my fault.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

"Donna, Josh is a fighter." Abbey Bartlett's words soothed.

I didn't know what to say to that. What could Josh possibly have left to fight for? I had already told him that I wanted him dead. I already told him that I wanted my unborn child to bear Robbie's name. I told him a bunch of lies. He told me he loved me and I told him I wanted him dead.

"C.J. told me that you guys had a huge fight today." Abbey stated.

"I told him that I wished he would get hit by a car. I guess I should be happy that he followed my instructions." I snapped.

"Donna, you didn't mean that. I know that Josh knows you didn't mean that." Abbey soothed.

"He told me that he hoped I didn't mean that, and I said that I meant every word." I sobbed.

"Donna, you were angry. I'm sure that Josh understands that." Abbey said.

"I was so awful to him. I'm a horrible person." I sobbed.

"Donna, you are a wonderful person." Abbey began.

I could feel the anger at myself rising. I didn't deserve her kindness. My husband was in the hospital because of me. I had ripped his heart to shreds before he was hit. He probably didn't even notice the truck.

"A wonderful person doesn't marry somebody and then tell them that they don't love anyone but themselves. A wonderful person doesn't yell anything of the things I yelled at Josh. Josh doesn't need me; he needs someone who loves him for him. He needs someone who didn't marry him for selfish reasons." I snapped.

"What?" Abbey asked.

"Josh needs someone like Joey Lucas or Mandy. He doesn't need a disgrace of a person like me." I rambled.

"Donna, that's not true. Josh loves you and you love him." She stated assuringly.

"I can't be here. I can't be here when Josh is fighting for his life. A life that only a few hours earlier I said I didn't give a damn about." I replied.

I ran out before she could stop me. I couldn't be here at the hospital. Josh needed to be around people who cared about him. He needed to be around people who he knew he could count on. He didn't need me.

I made sure that I bypassed the waiting room where everyone else was. As I started to go outside a secret service agent stopped me.

"Ma'am is something wrong? What is your hurry?" He asked me.

"Henry, she's cool. That's Lyman's wife." Another agent stated.

Henry let me pass. I got out to the street and I didn't know where to go. My heart ached to be with Josh, but I knew I didn't belong with him. I looked angrily down at my stomach. If I didn't have this baby then Josh would never have agreed to marry me. I raised my fist but I stopped before I hit myself.

I knew I needed to calm down. I took a couple of deep breaths. Then I hailed a cab. I was going to go home and crawl up into a ball. I just wished that I could stay there for the rest of my life.

Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely - 7

 

 

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