Title: On a Dark and Stormy Night 4/4
Author: Madame President
Spoilers: Everything up through Two Cathedrals, although I don't think I revealed any major plot lines.
Disclaimers: Of course I don't own the West Wing characters, nor do I own the characters from the game Clue(do). I have borrowed some lines from both Aaron Sorkin and the screenwriters of the Clue Movie...so please do not sue me.
Archive: Wherever you would like, although I would like to know where.
Feeback: Greatly appreciated. This is the piece that I have put the most work into. If you enjoy it or (hopefully not) hate it, I'd like to know.

Special thanks has to go to Sandra, Amy, Barb, and Rose for their beta
reading. You guys pointed out all the dumb little mistakes, and helped me with the characterizations. Many thanks.

Now, enjoy! --Kelly


"Ladies and gentleman," he started, "I now know who is the murderer, and I will tell you how it was done as well."
"You do?" The unison inquiry implied disbelief and a little awe. "Yes. Please follow me into the library, and we'll begin as the night did." Wadsworth led the way into the library. Each person took his or her original seat except for Colonel Mustard and Mr. Peacock, whose seats were now occupied with the bodies of the cook and Mr. Boddy. They stood off to the side, Mr. Peacock, taking another cigar from his pocket and lighting it with one of the matches that had been cut short for the search.
Wadsworth cleared his throat, attracting everyone's attention. "When the evening began we were all in here, trying to avoid discussing our personal lives or what had brought us here. Then the cook rang the bell to tell us that dinner was ready, and we all went to the dining room." Wadsworth hurried out of the library and into the dining room, while the rest followed, still confused by Wadsworth's apparent discovery of the killer.
"We sat here at dinner, still not discussing our personal lives or what had brought us here."
"Get on with it," yelled Mr. Peacock, rubbing his head in the same now familiar motion.
"Right. Miss White asked what we had been served, and you, sir," Wadsworth motioned to Mr. Peacock, "knew that it was pancake quiche served with New Hampshire maple syrup. Then the gong rang, and Mr. Boddy entered. Shortly after that we went back to the library."
Wadsworth again led the group across the hall and into the library. "I informed you here that you were all being blackmailed, and that Mr. Boddy was the one who was doing it. I then told you that the police were on their way, and that the easiest thing to do was expose Mr. Boddy. He, however, had plans of his own, and gave you each a weapon with which to kill me, only he was the one who was murdered."
"So who did it?" asked Miss Scarlet impatiently.
"Let's consider each murder one by one. When the lights returned, Mr. Boddy lie dead on the floor, and Professor Plum checked for a pulse, saying that there was none. Of course, we found out that wasn't true after we brought the cook back and found the body missing. However, before then, we all left the library when Yvette screamed from the billiard room. That's when you, Mr. Peacock, murdered the cook.
"The cook," screamed the group, which flew out the library door, down the hall, and into the kitchen.
Mr. Green was the first to arrive in the kitchen, and he walked towards the pantry where the cook's body fell upon him earlier in the evening. Like before, the kitchen appeared empty. That's when the pantry door opened on its own, and Wadsworth fell forward into the surprised arms of Mr. Green. The young man laid Wadsworth's prone body on the floor, convinced that the butler was now dead. When Wadsworth's eyes opened and he started speaking, Mr. Green fell backward, clutching his heart in shock.
"While we were all attending to Yvette, Mr. Peacock slipped out of the room, unseen, retrieved the dagger from the library, and went to the kitchen. While pancake quiche is commonly served in the district represented by your wife, it is not common in other parts of the world. You knew that the Cook had betrayed you. She had sold the secrets about your insider trading to Mr. Boddy, and you killed her for that."
All eyes in the room focused on Mr. Peacock, who once again was silently stroking his beard in contemplation. He neither confirmed nor denied the accusations, and his lack of response was taken as a sort of tacit agreement to the charges.
"So, who killed Mr. Boddy? When we returned from getting Yvette he was gone, and then Miss White found him when she went to the restroom," said Miss Scarlet.
Wadsworth stood up from his position on the floor. He led the group down the hall, once again taking them to the library. "When we went to check on the cook, Mr. Boddy's killer had the chance to finish the job. She slipped down here, and saw Mr. Boddy emerging from his hiding place in the secret passage that exists behind that portrait." Wadsworth motioned to a large painting on the hall, which depicted Mr. Boddy standing regally in front of a fire, his blond hair glowing like a halo.
"The killer waited until Mr. Boddy had exposed himself, and then snuck up behind him, striking him with the candlestick that Miss Scarlet left sitting on the table. The killer then drug him into the bathroom, where Miss White stumbled across him."
"You referred to the killer as she. Which one of them did it?" asked Colonel Mustard, waving a pointing finger between Miss Scarlet and Miss White.
"Neither of them," answered Wadsworth.
"Neither of them," repeated Mr. Peacock, Mr. Green, Professor Plum, and Colonel Mustard at the same time.
"No, Mr. Boddy was killed by Yvette. She was sick of his sexual advances towards her, and when she realized that her future was tainted because of his employment of her, she decided to kill him. Yvette knew that she would be linked to his blackmail of you, and she decided that the only way to crawl out from under his influence would be if he were dead. She waited until she was alone with him, and then killed him."
Miss White crossed her arms in front of her. "Wait, I'm confused," she said, waving one arm about.
Mr. Green scoffed audibly. "Why do I get the feeling you're confused a lot?" The dirty look that Miss White shot him silenced Mr. Green's laugh fairly effectively. "There were four other murders though," he added more somberly.
"True," said Wadsworth. "After we brought the cook and Mr. Boddy back into the library, I decided it was time to reveal your individual secrets, which I did. It was then decided that the only way to determine if there was anyone else in the house, was to split up and conduct a search. We divided into pairs, and prepared to start searching when the gong sounded."
Wadsworth moved into the hall, and the others followed him. He led them to the lounge where the motorist lay dead on the floor. "We stowed the motorist in here, and once again prepared to start searching when Miss Scarlet suggested that we lock the weapons up. Returning to the library we stored all of the weapons in the wooden cabinet, and then we all went to the door so that I could throw out the key in order for us all to feel safe. I threw the key out, almost hitting the cop who was outside."
While he was talking Wadsworth had closed the door to the lounge, and moved to the door of the study, revealing the dead body of the police officer. "We showed him into the study, and after receiving a call from Lionel Tribbey, we finally started on our search of the house. Someone during the search, however, managed to sneak away from his or her partner and turn off all the lights in the house. This allowed Yvette, the motorist, cop, and paper boy," Wadsworth motioned towards the door, "to be killed."
"So, who did what?" asked Miss Scarlet.
"Let's take them in the order that they arrived. When we opened the door, Colonel Mustard recognized the motorist. Didn't you, colonel?"
Colonel Mustard moved slightly away from the group. "I did. After I found out that Laurie was an escort, I accidentally told that young woman. I had no idea at the time, but she was my boss's daughter. I ended up starting a relationship with her, but when the London tabloid had the picture taken of Laurie and I, Mallory wanted nothing to do with me. She knew what Laurie was, and she was the one who told Mr. Boddy because she wanted to hurt me for hurting her."
"So you killed her?" prodded Wadsworth.
"Yes. When the lights went off I knew I had my chance. I crept into the lounge using a side door that I knew you hadn't locked. I snuck up behind her, and hit her with the wrench that I had gotten out of the cupboard in the library. I don't know how, but it was open when I went in."
"And the cop?" asked Mr. Green.
"Professor Plum, would you care to explain that one?"
The man with the coy smile stepped forward and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I recognized the cop from Washington. He was the one who found out about my wife's medical treatment of my illness. He was going to have her medical license revoked. Not only would that act reflect poorly on her, destroying not only my wife's reputation, but her personally, but also it would reveal my lying to those who depend on me. I had to kill him to protect her, like she treated me privately in order to protect me. Much like Colonel Mustard I used the light's going out to my advantage. I secured the lead pipe and then clubbed the cop with it. He never even saw it coming."
As each new murderer was revealed, there seemed to be a greater understanding among the guests. Each understood that the others had been driven to murder out of a desire to protect their ways of life. In reality, there was very little judgment, just understanding, and acceptance.
Wadsworth continued. "Yvette was the next to be murder, and you are responsible for that, Miss White."
Miss White's alabaster skin turned an even paler shade of white. "Yes, I did it. I couldn't stand her. We used to work in the same place, and she was the one who told Mr. Boddy that I had leaked to the press the story about the administration's change in policy. She couldn't be trusted. Besides, I never liked her for the simple reason that every man I ever took an interest in, and there were many, always seemed to be taken under her spell after they met her. I was tired of her getting in the way of my relationships, and she looked too much like me for her own good."
"Well, that just leaves one more murder - the paper boy. Whoever shot him still has the gun. Gentleman, turn out your pockets. Ladies, please open your purses."
Everyone complied with Wadsworth's request, but Miss Scarlet was the only one whose efforts produced anything. From her purse she pulled the revolver, swinging it wildly in front of the other guests. "Congratulations, Wadsworth. I guess you think you're pretty smart for figuring everything out. I admit it. I killed him."
"Why?" asked Mr. Peacock, speaking for the first time since being pinned for the cook's murder.
"Because he was the reporter I had an affair with. Danny was even stupid enough to leave the press pool, and take that stupid job as a paperboy, but that didn't matter. I had still messed up, but I had the chance to make sure tonight that I wouldn't be the one paying for those mistakes. If he was out of the way, then I was free to go about my life like nothing ever happened. I wouldn't have to see him everyday, knowing that he sold me out to the highest bidder. Everyone's better without Danny, especially Gail."
"Who's Gail?" asked Wadsworth quietly.
"The goldfish."
"Oh, ok," Wadsworth replied, as confused as ever about what a goldfish had to do with the dead paperboy on the front step.
Miss Scarlet waved the revolver around some more. "Now, I'm going to leave here, and none of you are going to stop me. Ten minutes after that, you all can leave one by one. We'll pretend that none of this ever happened, we'll all be free from blackmail, and the world will be a better place because the people who betrayed us are gone." She moved slowly backwards up the stairs, still holding the revolver out in front of her. Reaching behind her back, Miss Scarlet turned the door handle and sidled out the door.
Turning towards her car, Miss Scarlet was stopped short by a tall man with longish silver hair. In his hand he ominously held a cricket bat. "Going somewhere, Miss Scarlet?"
The door to the mansion opened at that moment and Wadsworth stepped out. "Thanks, Lionel. You can take them away." He and Mr. Green stepped out of the way, and federal agents rushed through the doorway, pointing their weapons at the figures of Mr. Peacock, Professor Plum, Miss White, and Colonel Mustard. Each had their hands raised in defeat.
Wadsworth looked at Mr. Green. "Congratulations, son. You were wonderful tonight. I almost believed that you didn't know what was going on."
"Thanks, sir. The young man moved towards the older man, with his arms open, ready to embrace the counterfeit butler.
"What are you doing?"
"I thought you were gonna hug me."
"Man, did you read that wrong. Let's get out of here."
The two men followed Lionel Tribbey and the federal agents into the driveway, and the waiting cars. Once everyone was secure inside, the cars sped off and the night of mystery and murder was over.


Telling me to miss a new episode of the West Wing because I can catch it in reruns is like telling the disciples they can get it in book form later.



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