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Reflections and Resolutions Paris
Disclaimer: Aaron Sorkin is the master of these characters, had I invented them, I doubt I'd be hanging out on these e-groups.
Subject: It's New Year's Eve, the gang reflects and looks forward
Spoilers: Everything from 2001, however anything and everything is fair game.
Author's Notes: I know this is late, I hope you can deal with it. This was written before Lisa came onto the show. This was also written without Jordan in mind. Let me know what you think! I'd love to hear from you!
It's New Year's Eve and I am home alone. Don't tell anyone, I rather like it that way. I partied myself out during college. I'm not up for tons of champagne, noisy people, or party hats. I hate party hats. It's not secret that I collect baseball caps, but come on, they've got a purpose. A very good purpose…I mean, the protect baseball players' eyes from the sun, and well they're cool. Party hats are just a nuisance. First of all, they never fit right, and they itch and bother your ears, and you look completely ridiculous in them. Lisa made me wear party hats on New Year's Eve. The President asked me the other day if I had made a New Year's Resolution. My answer was a smart one, "I resolve to make no more resolutions!" The truth is, I have made a resolution. I am going to move on with my life. I mean, really move on. Sure, I've dated, and done plenty of chasing. All right, all right, you can end the jokes about Laurie; I have learned my lesson tenfold. Seriously, this year, I am going to really look for the one. I am going to take a step into settling down. Maybe I'll buy a dog or something, you know to get the ball rolling. I was interviewed by Time or Newsweek, I don't even remember now, but CJ suckered me into it. We were discussing being young and successful. Apparently people think I have it all. They say I am young, handsome, charming, brilliant, and successful. Thank you for the flattery, but I'm not. I mean, I used to believe that the greatest love story of all time was my parents' story. This year I discovered I lived in a delusional world. My father had a twenty year long affair before my mother found out. He was living two lives. I swear, once I find the one; I'll never let her go. I'll never screw it up. I know what you are thinking. What about Lisa? Wasn't she the one? How wrong you are. Maybe I thought she was the one. She could have never been the one. You probably don't know, that the day after Josh came with news of Jed Bartlet, the day after I quite a job that I was in because I thought it would make me rich and successful, but really only made me miserable, she left me. Apparently, she couldn't handle instability. "What happens if he's not the real thing?" She asked. "You're making the biggest mistake of your life! You're just like Josh Lyman chasing after a foolish, childish dream." You know what I did? When we knew that Josiah Bartlet won the election, I called her. I said, "It looks like he was the real thing. It looks like for at least four years my life will be stable. More stable than it would have been with you in it!" I hung up the phone. Well, my four years of stability ends in 2002. I honestly don't know if we will win the election. What I do know is that, we aren't going down without a fight, and I am taking a step in settling down.
It's cold. It's New Year's Eve and I am freezing my ass off. Damned Donna. I could be anywhere else, but no, I am standing here at the National Mall, with my assistant waiting for some damned fireworks. It's cold. She's mad. She's bewitched. She begged me to take her to see the fireworks on the National Mall. I was more then ready to tell her no, but there was something in her eyes, like I owed her. It was too hard for me to say "No, Donna. I hate the cold. I like my apartment. It's warm. Can't I watch Dick Clark on my couch?" Damned man doesn't age. He gets younger every year. In a few years, I guarantee he'll be hosting the program with his voice cracking as he will look like an award teenager. I mean, before we know it he'll be the New Year's Baby. He seems to be changing, but changing for the better, well at least the younger. This year if any, seemed to be a year full of change for me. Physically I changed. This year, I have gained at least all of the strength that I had before the shooting. I have gained some weight and my hair has grayed. I am aging. Mentally, I have changed. I am becoming more stable. There's music being played in speakers all around us tonight, but I can handle it. I haven't had a flashback in months and I am sleeping through the night. The office has changed, no longer having Mrs. Landingham's cookies to raise our spirits and our blood sugar. No longer can we hear the incessant badgering between she and the President or she and Leo. My mother's changed. She moved out of my house. Sure, I live in Washington, D.C., I have for three years now and a number of years before Bartlet's term and I plan on staying at least four more, but my home is in Connecticut. At least it used to. My home was the place where I still had New York Mets posters hanging on the walls of my bedroom with the twin bed. My home had the yard where my father and I played catch. My home had the porch where I had my first kiss. She moved to Florida. Her condo is about as far away from being my home as anything I can imagine. And then there is Stanley. Stanley (who happens to have the same name as my therapist, which is utterly frightening) is my mother's neighbor. He had Thanksgiving dinner with Mom and me. A nice guy, a widower, but he and mom got along well and it's nice to know that she's taken care of. During Hanukkah, I called Mom. It was early the morning of the third or fourth day. I called her before I went to work. I knew I would wake her up, but I am her Joshy. She wouldn't have cared. When the other line picked up it was the groggy voice of a man. Nervously, I said I had the wrong number, when the man said, "Joshua, is that you? It's Stanley, we met on Thanksgiving." I politely said hello and he gave my mother the phone. She was nervous and flustered while talking to me. I couldn't believe it! My mom was dating. Not only dating, but sleeping with a man. I don't know which upset me more, the fact that my mother was dating a man that wasn't my father or the fact that my mother was dating and I haven't been on a successful date since before Bartlet's Primary. The fireworks begin and I watch Donna watch them. Donna. She's been so wonderful to me. She nursed me back to health after I had been shot. She nursed me back to health when I contemplated suicide. She talks to my mother on a weekly basis (I hope she didn't know about Stanley, before I did). She doesn't bring me coffee, but she takes care of me. I have a feeling that this new year will bring on much change. There's reelection, there's the MS, there is so much more that will pop up. The one thing that I won't let change, however that's how I feel about Donna. I will love her next year as I loved her this year. I will make sure she knows that. The wind blows and I see Donna shiver. I wrap my arms around her to keep her warm. It's cold. I am freezing my ass off. I could be anywhere else, but no. I don't want to be anywhere else.
I badgered him. I nagged him. But for another year, he gave in to my holiday request. Last year it was Yo Yo Ma. This year it is New Year's Eve fireworks at the National Mall. It's colder than I had expected. There's a breeze off of the Potomac. I shiver, but from behind me he wraps his arms around my body and brings me close to him. I am beaming. He can't see but right now my poker face is giving away my feelings. I am truly content. For 2002, I will strive to be content. I wish that this moment could last forever. I know now that Josh has forgiven me. It's a lot to expect from him. He holds grudges. And I messed up big time. Cliff, he was nice and he was charming and for god's sake he was a warm-blooded male that could speak in complete sentences. Do you understand how hard they are to find? It's insane. I should have broken it off, but there was something about the relationship. Oh, yeah, now I remember the fact that it was the first one that I had had with any worth since we went into office. I shouldn't have lied about my diary. I couldn't help it. My first instinct was to protect Josh. I wrote about Josh in my diary. I wrote about the shooting. I wrote about taking care of him, about how weak he was. I wrote about first seeing his scar. I wrote about how, more than anything else, I love Joshua Lyman. I wrote about his PostTraumatic Stress. I wrote about his suicide attempt. These are things that I know could kill his career in politics. I needed to protect him. Maybe he understands. Or at least he understands there was a reason behind it. As the finale of the fireworks begin, Josh's arms close tighter around me. He is tenser. It's the bangs. I didn't think about it. Thoughts of him having a flashback run through my mind and I look up at him. He smiles down at me. He's not having a flashback. He leans his face closer to mine and kisses my lips. Although I have dreamed about this moment, I never expected it. Thinking briefly about the press and possible retributions, I realize that we are both bundled up so much no one would recognize us. I enjoy the lingering kiss a little more and I am content.
Today is my favorite day of the year. It's New Year's Eve. It's a day for looking back. It's a day for looking forward, it's a day for wiping the slate clean but more importantly, it's a day to celebrate with my best friend. For as long as Toby Ziegler has been my best friend, which is far longer than either of us care to admit, we've spent New Year's Eve together. It's our Christmas. We exchange gifts and do our holiday celebrating on a religiously neutral holiday. Each year, I anxiously await our holiday. This year, I have longed for it like no other year before. I suppose 2001 began with a slap on the face, when I learned that Danny Concanon hadn't taken the editor's position he had been offered. Maybe I was naïve, bit I thought that Danny and I had something between us, something worth working for. Apparently, not. Danny, helped to open my eyes. I see things in my true friends that I had never seen before. Sam's courage, Josh's strength, Donna's compassion, the President's nurturing, Leo's loyalty and Toby's everything. Danny made me appreciate Toby more. This year there was Ann Stark, who hurt Toby nearly as much as Danny had hurt me. This year I missed my father's seventieth birthday. This year, I discovered I had an ancient curse, because I broke a ceramic cat. This year there was Mrs. Landingham's death. We didn't even have a chance to say good -bye. This year there was the MS and the lying and secrecy and press mess that came with it. This year the special investigation came and the hearings. This year the reelection campaign began. This year, the staff, our family, was invaded. Don't tell anyone, but this year feels like the beginning of the end. When the New Year comes around, I'm going to hold my head high. It's not going to be the end. I'm going to make the opposition fight before they can take me down. I won't let men, especially reporters, red headed or otherwise get me down. At the end of the New Year, I will make sure I don't feel like it's the beginning of the end. It won't be. It'll be the beginning of something-a beginning of a new Bartlet term, or the beginning of a new life. So, I have waited anxiously for this moment, since the year's start. Toby smiles at me and allows his dimple to appear. That makes me smile. He feels comfortable enough in my apartment to select a CD and turn on my stereo. It's music that's mellow and easy to dance to. In one sweeping motion he pulls me off of the sofa and into his arms. Together we sway to the music. I love being close to him. Somehow, all of my problems seem so far away. I must admit that Toby is an amazing dancer if you can get him on the dance floor. He'd never want to admit that he can do it. I am not sure if Andrea knew about his dancing ability. I see him look at his watch and I know that at quarter of twelve we will exchange gifts. I am anxious for him to open his gift. I see that it is nearly time, but he shakes his head. He tells me he wants it to be different this year. He wants to give me my gift at midnight. It's odd for Toby to want to change things, but I shrug and feel him pull me closer as we continue to dance.
I see her smile and it makes me forget about everything. I wrap my arms tighter around her and somehow, I feel as if we are the only ones in the world. She makes me feel youthful. She makes me feel needed. She makes me feel important. She makes me forget about the mistakes I have made in my life. Her smile hasn't been as bright recently, as it used to be. I've held her tightly in my arms this year, but more often to comfort her than for our own pleasure. When she found out about Mrs. Landingham, I pulled her into my arms and let her cry. She cries in the same spot time after time. When we became frustrated before knowing of the powerful, historical, and amazing impact that the Stackhouse Filibuster would have, she was only a daughter who was missing her father's birthday and she fell into my arms to cry. When she found out about the MS, I offered my arms out for her to cry, but instead with her fists she pounded at my chest. Her tears were tears of frustration. She was angry that I had known, that I let her go in with the President and Leo with no real indication that the world would come collapsing down around her. She's an amazing woman. She's brilliant and beautiful and I am made weak when it comes to her. She joked this year in front of the other staff, about how I was indebted to her and how I wanted to make out with her. My quick retort was "when don't I?" In honesty, it wasn't a joke. She's my best friend and I have loved her since I set eyes on her over twenty years ago. It was only after my divorce that our friendship became a physical relationship. You've heard of friends with benefits. I suppose that's what we are, but we're not. I'd never reduce our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we don't go at it in the White House or all the time, we're not sex fiends. It's amazingly beautiful, when our relationship becomes physical. I pull her off of the couch, after I put on a CD and we dance. She's anxious to exchange gifts. The Christmas gift-giving thing never worked for me and she never quite got Chanukah, so we celebrate unconventionally, like everything else we do. I shake my head. This year will be different. This year I want her to get her gift as the clock strikes midnight. Before the holiday, Leo asked my what I got for her. I laughed and told him it was nothing special. He shook his head knowing better. He knows each year CJ and I do something special. I disclosed with him what I got for her. He didn't believe me at first. He actually started laughing. Well, the time comes closer and she breaks away from me to grab a box wrapped in metallic silver paper. I had nearly forgotten until that moment how bright her smile could get. She presented me with the box and was anxious for me to open it. I tore the paper eagerly, more for her than for me and opened the box, which contained a new Yankees hat and a few cigars. I thanked with a kiss. Her smile seemed to reveal more than she was letting me know, and she handed me an envelope. We were going to New York City, she exclaimed. She was taking me to a Yankees game for the weekend. All of the information and the tickets were in the envelope. It has been well over four years since I had been to a Yankees game in New York. I had gone to see them beat the Orioles a few times in Baltimore, but this was different. I pulled her into a bear hug and thanked her. She can be so sweet and wonderful, it's hard to believe she's the same woman that goes head to head with the press corps each day. From out of my pocket I got her gift, she gave me a questioning glance, as I watched the clock for midnight. Unlike me, she carefully unwrapped the dainty box and as if she was afraid a snake would jump out she cautiously opened the box. I could see her eyes well up with tears as she saw the antique emerald ring, she had seen in Manchester. One day while preparing for the President's reelection campaign announcement, she had wandered to downtown Manchester, where she found an antique jewelry store and instantly fell in love with the ring she is now holding. She couldn't stop talking about it that evening, so the next day I went to see what it was all about. I knew at a first glance which ring she had spoken of. When I saw it, I saw the same undying spirit and the same feistiness that make up the sparkle in her eye in that very emerald. "Toby," she said looking at me, "I can't take this gift. It's too much." She didn't understand. Not yet. I knelt down in front of where she was sitting on her couch and took the ring from her hands. "You know when I saw this ring, I couldn't think about anything but the way I feel each time I look into your eyes. Claudia Jean Cregg, you would do me the honor and the privilege and probably be doing the world a service, if you let me see that sparkle everyday for the rest of my life. I know that I should have done this a long time ago, but I never wanted you to just settle for me, but I hope I have long since proved my worthiness. Will you marry me?" She was crying now. She knew that Andrea had barely gotten an engagement ring at all, let alone a ring that meant so much to the both of us. "You can keep the ring either way," I assure her in a half joke. It's an unconventional engagement ring, but then again we are an unconventional couple. With both hands she takes my face and pulls it to her own. She kisses me long and passionately. "So is that a yes?" I asked when our lips parted. She smiled brightly, her eyes sparkling brightly like the emerald, which was now on her finger, "I would have said yes, years ago, Toby. Never did I think a life with you was settling. It was always a dream. Of course, I'd be honored." I smile proudly and take her into my arms and we continue to dance. My New Year's Resolution? You haven't guessed? I resolved it already.
I was voted most likely to succeed my senior year in high school. I think that if anyone had told me that I would be where I am now, three years ago, when I was voted most likely to succeed. I probably would have laughed at them. When I applied for a courier position at the White House, Josh Lyman didn't seem to get that the job I wanted was your usual minimum wage job for a recent high school graduate with no college education (I have since learned that Josh doesn't seem to get a lot of things). I don't know what happened, but I was taken through a crazy ride, and somehow I am ringing in the New Year at the Residence of the White House, with my girl friend, Zoey Bartlet, who just happens to be the daughter of my boss, who just happens to be the President of the United States, sitting next to me, holding my hand. My younger sister Deana is in deep conversation with her best friend in the world Annie, and my girlfriend's mother and Annie's grandmother about women's rights. My girlfriend's mother is of course Abbey Bartlet. My sister's best friend Annie, is the Bartlet's granddaughter. It's a wild ride but I am loving it, well except for the fact that I don't get to see my sister as much as I'd like and that well, my girlfriend's father is the President of the United States. We all know that that has had some generally bad effects on people that I care deeply about through an incident no one likes to talk about in Roslyn, Virginia over a year ago. I don't know if you realize this, but the fact that my girlfriend is the daughter of not only my boss, but one of the most powerful men in the world scares the shit out of me. Excuse my language. But seriously. Just you think about that. It really makes me think again when it comes to premarital anything with Zoey. The Bartlets have more or less made Deena and me part of their family. We get to celebrate the major holidays with them and when Zoey comes home from school on certain weekends we know that there are always two places waiting for us at a family dinner. It's nice, though, Mrs. Bartlet and Zoey can be the mother and older sister that I can't be for Deena. The President plays the quizmaster grandfather role. Deena and I never did anything to deserve our father's leaving us when we were young. We never did anything to deserve our mother's death. I never did anything, but love the most incredible woman in the world to have the entire staff and the President get shot at. I never did anything to deserve losing the woman who filled the mother void. Mrs. Landingham was the neatest, most fiery woman you could ever meet. She wasn't afraid to withhold homemade cookies from you. She wasn't afraid to put some of the most powerful men in the world in their place. She wasn't afraid to scold you in the Oval Office about being to loud or using profane language. Like my father and like my mother, I never got to say good-bye to Mrs. Landingham. I didn't have that last time to say I love you. I didn't do anything to deserve my boss, my father (not biologically, but more than any other person in my life), a man whom I love, admire, and would die for have this horrible disease. He knows why, but will never understand why each night when I leave him I say good-bye and tell him that I love him. Deena knows why and understands why every time we part, I say good-bye and tell her I love her. Then there's Zoey. I love her, but I'm not ready for her to love me, even though I know she does. My New Year's Resolution is to live up to my high school yearbook. I resolve to become a man worthy of her love. She's the President of the United State's daughter. She's from New England. She has class and breeding. I am a kid from a bad part of D.C. I have started taking classes at Georgetown. I now have suits in my closet. I know how to cook. I have some amazingly positive references to put on my resume, but I am still just a kid from a bad part of D.C. who is supposed to succeed. This year, I am becoming a better man and on New Year's Eve in one year, I will ask her to be my wife. This is with no strings attached. This is whether or not her father will win the election. This is whether or not she gains seven hundred pounds and loses all of her hair. If I am worthy enough, if I have succeeded, this is regardless of what happens to me. It's been a wild ride and I don't plan on stopping. I plan to succeed.
I am sitting in a big easy chair in the living room area of my hotel room. Yeah, that's right, I have made no attempt to find a place since I separated and now divorced from my wife. No time, is my excuse. Maybe I should make that my New Year's Resolution, find a new place. I take a sip from the can of coke I am drinking and look around. Nah, I like it here. I have had one hell of year. I let out a sigh. Jed's had one hell of a year. I can't help but think that for every moment that he let's he "oh shit I am in too deep" look appear across his face that it is my fault. I can't help but think he is cursing me on the inside. He's my best friend and I don't think that this nation has seen a man so right for the job, so right for the American people as my best friend since the days of Franklin Roosevelt. Isn't it everyone's dream to trust the President like your best friend? I got him in this stint and I suppose karma is making it's way around. I mean, Jenny and I got divorced this year. I've been under the microscope for two years now about my alcoholism and my drug abuse. I am a bastard. I mean, it pains me to think of what I did to my best friend, his family, my wife, and to my beautiful baby girl. Now with the investagation, I am willing to take the fall for him. He's too good of a man. Heaven wants him. They have me on a waiting list. I take another sip of coke and let the bubbles pierce my throat. I smile thinking of
this year that has just about past. I smile and let out a chuckle as I think about my
secret. You don't know, do you? That's right, no one knows. No! My coke doesn't have rum
in it. I worked too long and hard to fall off of the bandwagon now. No, I am thinking
about the woman I have in my life now. Yeah, you've got it, Leo McGarry scored. She's
beautiful and she's blond and did I mention she's brilliant? She's made me feel happier
than I have since Jed won the election. She's made me feel younger than I have ever felt
in my entire life, that includes my youth. She energizes me to do good everyday in the
Oval Office. Her idealism makes me want to change the world. Every moment I am around her
I have this high. If I knew I could get it naturally like this, I would have never thought
about alcohol and pills.
Dick Clark is on my television set laughing about the year and all I can do is cry. I
have been bitten by reality this year. It hurt. People who I thought would stand by me
until the end have laughed at me, made jokes about me, and have never once supported me.
And those people who I grew up thinking were the enemy are beginning to accept me. They
have offered their shoulder for me to cry on, they have offered me ice for my incredibly
hot office, they have offered me friendship. It's so much more than I can say about those
who I called my true friends. You can say what you want about Democrats or Republicans. I
have no plans on changing my party, but if you are who your friends are I guess you'd have
to say I am a Democrat. Although, politically I disagree with the President, Leo McGarry, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, Toby Ziegler, CJ Cregg, Donna Moss, and Oliver Babish, I will defend them until I turn blue, because they are honest to god good people. If Josiah Bartlet would win the reelection, I would want to continue to work for him. My phone rings as I am reaching for a tissue. I want to dry my tears. I am not a failure or a disaster. My friends aren't cruel, they are just Democrats. Those who I thought were my friends are the cruel ones. I answer the phone and smile when I hear his voice. Have I told you my new job has gotten me a boyfriend. We haven't told anyone yet, too much red tape, right now, and CJ Cregg would have a coronary. Not to mention, he's not one I am writing home about. Daddy's heart may not be able to take the fact that his little girl is falling in love with a Democrat, an older Democrat, a powerful older Democrat. A one Leo McGarry, who I plan on keeping whether Bartlet wins or not. That's my New Year's Resolution. He asks me what I am doing and I complain about Dick Clark. He laughs and complains about how he was tempted to make a New Year's Resolution. I laugh and decide not to tell him mine. We haven't been together very long. I don't want to scare him. I smile though. He makes happy. I never thought I'd be happy with a Democrat. But here I am ringing in the New Year laughing at Dick Clark with my Democrat.
I laugh heartily as Annie tells a joke. She's got a great sense of humor (it comes from her mother's side of the family, I must admit). I look across the room and see Abbey absolutely glowing as she laughs. We Bartlets haven't had a good laugh in quite sometime. This year has had quite an emotional toll on us. My MS announcement paired with my reelection announcement had its effects on my marriage. Abbey and I are better now. We talked. Something we should have done before. And when I say talk, I mean, we each talked and we each really listened. Mrs. Landingham's death hurt me more than I thought I could hurt this year. Somewhere between Leo's alcoholism and the shooting and the MS I thought that I grew a callus over my emotions. But when Delores died, the callus was sudden removed and all of the pain and emotion that it had been protecting came at me full force. Still laughing, I gaze around the room. For a moment we seem like a normal family. My three daughters, my wife, my granddaughter, my future son in law (oh, I know it. I see that look in Charlie's eyes), and his younger sister are all laughing. In this moment our location doesn't seem to matter. It's just a living room. In this moment my job doesn't seem to matter. Our past isn't an issue, nor is our future. We are just a family in this moment, a family laughing. It's that normality in that I want every American family to feel. It's a sense of genuine comfort, free of worries and stress. I especially want my staff members, my second family to be able to go through the year to come, with the reelection and their jobs at stake to have this feeling that I am experiencing in this moment. I have put them through hell and I know that. I appreciate everything that they have sacrificed: Leo a marriage, Sam a high paying job and a woman he cared deeply about, CJ a life in sunny California, Toby his New York City, Josh being a son during his father's time of need, Donna her family in Wisconsin and anything that she held as comfortable, and Ainsley Hayes her respect and dignity amidst her friends and her own party. Don't think that I don't know. Don't think that I don't care, because I do. I would be nowhere without them. Nowhere without Leo's push, Josh and Sam's energy, Toby's words, and CJ's feistiness. My New Year's Resolution is to win. I will overcome this MS situation. I will win this reelection. I will see that this year the American people have a better understanding with the normality that I am feeling in this moment. As the clock strikes midnight, I kiss my wife and I the sense of normality doesn't leave me. It'll be a good year.
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