Title : Boy, was I wrong. Part 4
Rating : PG-13
Short summary : Donna tries her best to deal with Josh's confession while Josh is completely heartbroken.
Other info : Refer Part 1
I am scum. I'm a whole load of crap. How could I think such things about Josh? How could I compare him to that son of a gun who assaulted me. I am still utterly shocked to my very soul by what Josh told me. He loves me. He 'really really' loves me. Why in the heaven's name did I ask him if he was kidding? What kind of scum am I ?
I'm now lying on the front seats of my car with my legs still hanging out of the driver's seat. Josh is sitting at the middle of the backseat holding the headrest of the front seats.
"I...I.....I have to go now Josh.." I said softly, like I had no energy left in me.
I looked at his face while he looked back at me. He looked like someone had just punched him in the gut and clogged him over the head. That someone is me. I am scum.
"Okay." Josh said nodding his head.
He slowly got off my car and I sat up properly on the drivers seat. Josh stood by my door and looked at me with such saddened eyes. Oh, how I wish I could just hold him right now and tell him how much I have longed for him. But I can't.
"I'm sorry, Josh." I simply said and drove off. He didn't say or do anything. I think he is still registering what had happened.
Timing Josh. Such bad timing. If only he told me this a month ago. I would have probably flung myself onto him. I don't even know if I still have those kind of feelings for him. I have been reasoning with myself on the negative effects any romantic relationship with Josh might bring. I know I still care for him a whole lot. But I can't picture myself with anyone right now. I think I still need time to heal from the 'incident'. I'm also still comprehending that Josh actually loves me. All this time, I was in love with him and he was in love with me. And neither of us did anything. He was probably torturing himself just like I did, trying to hide his feelings for me.
I need to give him an explanation. I owe him that much. I can't tell him what happened to me. Or that I did have such strong and real feelings for him. I also don't want to hurt him more than I already did. What am I going to say to him??
I'm at home now cracking my head thinking of what to say to Josh. I should stop pacing but I can't seem to sit down or do anything else. Suddenly, I felt someone shake my shoulders. I gasped.
"Donna, what in the world is wrong with you? I've been trying to get your attention for so long. Are you still in this universe???" Kimmy said still shaking me.
"Oh, sorry Kimmy. My mind is preoccupied. Did you need something?" I asked my roommate trying my very best to sound normal.
Kimmy didn't buy it. She dragged me to the couch and sat me down.
"Now, you are going to tell me what the hell is going on before I beat it out of ya!"
I sighed and realized that there is no way Kimmy is going to leave me without the whole truth. So, I told her every minuscule detail that occured.
Kimmy listened to the whole story with her eyes widening every second. I think her eyes might just pop out right about now.
"Oh, my god. Oh my god!!! Donna, you are such an idiot!!!" Kimmy exclaimed.
"Me?? Well, I admit I could have handled it better. But come on, I was sooo caught off guard." I said defending my dumbass actions.
"Donna, you love him. You are crazy 'I'll-sell-my soul-for-you' in love with him. Why didn't you tell him that? He obviously loves you just as much if not more. He said such wonderful things to you which frankly, I didn't think he had it in him. But come on Donna, if anyone said to me half as much as what he said to you, I'll be the happiest girl in the world!" Kimmy said practically jumping of the couch.
"Kimmy, I don't know if I still have those feelings for him. Since.....since the 'incident' I haven't had any form of romantic feelings towards Josh. And being an'us' is such a bad idea. For goodness sake, we both could lose our jobs and it could cause us the re-election." I said overdramatically.
"Oh, don't be overdramatic. Like two single people falling head over heels for each other could cause the President of the United States to lose the election."
"Kimmy, I'm his assistant. No one could care less if we love each other. In their eyes, I slept my way into the white house and the Deputy Chief of Staff can't keep his hands off his much younger assistant. And besides all that, we could lose our friendship." I explained.
"Donna, it's not everyday people find love like the two of you have for each other. Is your love not pure enough for you to fight for it? Besides, all the reasons you gave me are only possibilities. It all might not even occur. Things might be hard at first but it will all work out once people know how you really feel for each other." Kimmy said rubbing my back just as a tear rolled down my cheek.
"Kimmy, it would be something worth fighting for. But I told you, I'm really not ready to have a relationship right now. I need time to get over the assault. And like I said, I don't know if I still love him like that. You need to know that." I said crying a bit more.
A long pause of silence.
"Okay Donna. I understand that you need time. But, I know you still love him. Just as deep as you always have. You might not feel it right now. But I know for a fact it is there. What you felt for him cannot just go away. I don't think you should make it go away. I'm sure you can't anyway. Feelings like that don't just disappear due to a horrid incident. Your love for him is much stronger and purer than that." Kimmy said suddenly making so much sense.
I know what she said is very true. Deep inside I do know I still love Josh just as much as I always have. Sigh.I can't think of this anymore. My head would surely explode if I do. Kimmy gave me a hug and I went to bed. Who was I kidding? Like I would ever get any sleep. I spent the night tossing and turning dreading the fact that I have to face Josh Lyman in the morning.
The alarm rang at 6am. I was still awake. I'm going to call in sick. No, I can't. Whatever reason I give, Josh would still know the truth. I can't call in sick everyday can I ?
I growled and got off my bed.
It is now 7.30am. I'm sitting at my desk typing vigorously. I really don't know if I'm typing in the right letters as I'm sooo nervous. Josh is going to walk in anytime.
It's 7.45. Josh is late as usual. Just then, I hear his voice nearby. My heart is pounding so hard I think it might explode. I took a peak up without moving my head much and saw Josh walking with Sam. They were busy discussing something. I might be lucky after all.
"Hi, Donna." I looked up to see Sam greeting me. Damn him. Why does he have to be so damn polite and annoyingly cheerful?
I stuttered a good morning when I caught Josh's eyes. He had the same look he had last night plus he obviously didn't have any sleep as he looked just as drowsy as I felt.
They both left and entered Josh's office.
"What was that about?" Sam asked. Why does he have to be so observant?
"What?" I asked innocently
"That. With Donna. You didn't even greet her. She barely managed to get a good morning out. She's a lot more cheerful and responsive than that." Sam stated.
"Well, Sam, I have no idea. She seems fine to me. She's probably just busy trying to get the education report done." I said, lying....again.
"Yeah. Whatever." Sam said knowing he's not going to get anything out of me. We continued to discuss some issues we had to deal with today.
Donna was just as normal as always with me. We were only professional today. No banter, no teasing, no personal talk. Well, thanks to me, I managed to ruined the best relationship I've had in my whole entire life.
Have I mentioned that I also feel like someone choked me by pulling my guts out through my mouth and tying it around my neck? Well, I do. I feel completely rejected by the one and only person whom I truly love and will be the only one I ever feel this way about.
I wish I hadn't told her. Why was such a dumbass? I mean, before at least I could have an illusion of Donna feeling the same way towards me. Now, its sooooo damn real. Everything has just kicked in. I will never ever find true happiness as long as I live.
Why???? Why does she not love me? I'm handsome. I have killer dimples which I'm certain is a chick magnet. I'm a powerful, successful politician. Heck, I'm the third most important person in the United States of America. And, since the US President is considered the most powerful man of the free world, I am the third most powerful man of the free world. I'm a great catch!!! Why wouldn't she love me???
Hmmm.... Probably because I'm a screw up. I overwork her and underpay her. And my large ego seems to annoy her. But still, those aren't really big reasons. I really need to know why she rejected me. I need to know before I drive myself bonkers.
It's almost 8pm. I'm pretty much done. I need to talk to Donna. I have to ask her why.
I see her sitting at her desk, reading a report and making notes I assume.
"Donna!" I bellowed. Why couldn't I just call her politely like a normal person? Again, another reason for her not to love me.
"Yup. Coming." She walked into my office.
"What do you need, Josh?" She asked politely trying not to look at my face.
"Are you almost done?" I asked looking directly at her knowing that it is making her very uncomfortable.
"Um. Yeah pretty much. Just doing some finishing touches to the index card you'll need for tomorrow morning's meeting with Senator Halls." She said finally catching my eyes.
"Ok. Yeah, I don't need anything else. You can go home after that." I said chickening out. Ask her!! Damn fool!!! She is almost reaching the door. You witless, gutless wonder!! Say something!!!!
"Talk! Talk!" Yeah, that's the best you can come up, fool! Sometimes I'm certain the board of education mucked up my SAT verbal results.
"What?" Donna asked looking like I'm lost my mind.
"Donna....Donna....(sigh) I'm sorry about last night. I'm sorry I said the things I did. I should have kept it to myself and not created this awkwardness between us which I don't know if it can be mendable." I said. Mendable?
"Mendable?" Donna echoed trying to control a smirk forming at the corners of her lips.
I smiled. For the first time since yesterday. Funny, I smiling because of the same person who caused me such depression all this while. She's just sooo amazing that way.
"Yeah. My verbal skills have been seriously failing on me the past few days." I said looking at her adoringly. Stop it, Josh Lyman.
"Josh." Donna said becoming serious again. "I'm not sorry you said those wonderful things to me. I mean, I know it was not at the best circumstances. But, Josh, no one has ever told me anything remotely as amazing as you did last night. I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't respond as you probably hoped for. You have no idea how crummy I feel about it." Donna said.
I so want to hold her right now. I want to be held by her and cry my eyes out. Pull, yourself together, man!
"Donna, can I ask you something? I mean, I really need to know. Why?" I asked shamelessly.
"Why what?" Donna asked. I think I would need to spell it out for her
"Why....why don't you feel the same way I do for you?" I sound like a 12 year old boy asking a girl to love me. Hey, where did I hear that before? God knows.
"Josh. The idea of 'us' spells disaster at every end. I mean, we could be fired. We could be killed by Leo and then by CJ. It could cause a scandal which is so not we need before the re-election. We could completely ruin our working relationship, not to mention our friendship." Donna said without taking a breath I think.
"Donna. First of all, we are too professional to let our working relationship be affected. As for our friendship, it has gone through a lot, and still manages to be standing. Leo and CJ won't kill us, well at least not you. I have worked on so many political arenas, I'm sure I can deal with avoiding a scandal or losing our jobs." I said.
"You don't know that for sure Josh. You've worked so hard for this. You love your job."
"Donna, you have only said why having a relationship with me would be bad. I asked you why you don't love me." I asked again.
A long pause. She shrugged and sighed. I waited. She's shifting her weight from one leg to another.
"Donna?" I asked hoping so bad she might have a change of heart.
"I..I..." is all she managed to utter taking a deep breath and sighing out loud.
"Okay. Just look me in the eye and tell me you no feelings for me. No romantic feelings whatsoever." I said walking nearer towards her.
She still looked down and turning red. I reached my hand out and softly held her chin. I slowly pushed her head up until her eyes met mine. Her eyes were filled with tears. Just then, I felt a magnetic force pulling me towards her. I moved my face towards her, a milli inch every second. My eyes started to close. Her lips are so luscious.
"I don't." Donna said startling me, causing me to pull back and take my hand off her chin.
"I'm sorry..... I don't have that kind of feelings for you....at all." A few drops of tears started rolling down her cheeks. Donna quickly walked out of my office closing the door behind her.
Remember the feeling I had, where I felt like I was being choked by my own guts. Well, it's back. This time it's ten time worse.
Oh my god. What just happened back there? I quickly grabbed my stuff and coat and left building.
I lied through my teeth. I looked him in the eyes and lied shamelessly!!! You were probably assuming I was telling the truth because I haven't felt romantic feelings towards Josh in a while now. But guess what??? All those damn feelings came flooding back as soon as he asked me why I don't love him. I felt like launching myself onto him and showering him with sweet kisses on every inch of his body. That I would say, would classify as romantic feelings. I was overwhelmed by the emotion I was having as I have not experienced any romantic instinct towards anyone since I was assaulted. It was way too overwhelming. I started turning red at that point. I couldn't stand still.
Now I am back home, laying in my bath tub filled with bubbles. I assumed it would relax me but no hope so far. Okay, let me have this straight. My feelings towards Josh had returned, more intense than before I think. I feel this way mainly because in the past two hours, I have been imagining myself trying to yank out his tonsils with my tongue and him holding me, placing his hands under my arms pulling me so close, that there is no space for air between us. My question is, why did I lie to him after realizing that my feelings had turned up again? Plus, I don't think I've lied so convincingly ever before.
So, I supposed I might have been too shocked and still uncertain about my feelings at that point, the safest thing to do was to deny any feelings for Josh. And of course all the political reasons...and knowing how much Josh breathes politics, no matter what he says.
I have to be strong. I have to make my lie to Josh become true. It would probably be the hardest thing I will ever do, and I don't completely believe I will ever accomplish it but nevertheless I have do it anyway.
TO BE CONTINUED........
Home What's New Author Listings Title Listings