The god of writing known as Aaron Sorkin, and his cohorts at Warner Bros. and NBC own the characters. I'm just taking them out for a spin in a rented limo.

This is pure goofiness, plain and simple. It shouldn't even qualify as good fic, because just about every cliché, bad word, etc., is included. Just read and laugh (or cry), and I shalt be happy. ;-)

Mucho gracias to AJ for all of her help in this. This fic wouldn't be here without her!

Category: Pick one - it could fit under general, romance, angst, or humor 

Rating: R for language and sexuality 

Spoilers: minor "Let Bartlet Be Bartlet" references 

Pairings: Jed/Abbey Archive: Yes, if you have to. But ask permission first! 

Feedback: To or on the lists. 

Summary: The White House goes to hell in a handbasket, starting with the plumbing.


"Nucking Futs" 

by Rebecca A. Anderson 

October 2000


"And this surprises you how?" Abbey murmured in disgust. "She's like a virus that never dies."

"Sheesh. Apathy does not become you, Abbey," Jed muttered. "Look, I have to fly to LA to declare it a disaster area. The thing is, know how I sent Hoynes out there for a fundraiser?" Abbey nodded. "He died in the quake."

"OH SHIT!" Abbey shrieked. "Are you *kidding*?"

"I wish I was. Congress was called into an emergency session about 20 minutes ago to pull together whatever needs to be pulled together," Jed sighed. "And I have to get out to LA as quickly as I can. I'm going to call the doctor and see if you can come or not."

"Come where?" asked Dr. Martin as he came into the room.

"Los Angeles. I have a federal disaster area to declare," Jed said.

"No, I don't think Mrs. Bartlet will be joining you, Mr. President," Dr. Martin said, shaking his head. "She's suffered too much blood loss in too short a time. It would simply be best if you left her here."

"We don't have SS people to cover her here!" Jed exclaimed, slamming his hand down on the bedside table. "She is coming with me."

"Jed, calm down," Abbey whispered, gently touching his arm. "I'll be fine. Just get on AF1 and go, okay? Momma and Daddy will take good care of me."

"I don't want to go," he whispered regretfully.

"And I don't want you to go, but you have a job to do. You are the President, after all," Abbey smiled weakly. "Godspeed, Mr. President."

Jed leaned down and kissed her tenderly, then left the room without saying good-bye.

"You're friend Leo is on the phone, Abbey," Denise called up the stairs. "He says it's an emergency." Abbey had been at her parents' house for less than 2 hours, and it had only been a day after Jed had left.

Apprehension filled Abbey as she picked up the phone. "Leo, what is it?"

"Abbey, I didn't want to be the one to…."

"Leo, what's wrong?"

"It's the President, Abbey."

Abbey listened in shocked silence as he told her that another earthquake had torn the remains of Los Angeles to shreads. Jed had been out declaring disaster areas in the Valley when it had struck. They had just identified his body as they had pulled him out of the rubble of Burbank High School.

"Leo… What will I do now?" Abbey whispered.

"Stay with your parents, Abbey. Get better. It's the only thing you can do."

"First the baby, now Jed… Leo…" Abbey's words caught on a sob as she broke down completely. She didn't even notice when Leo hung up the phone.

Her heart was gone.

Abbey walked up to her husband's grave and laid down the bouquet of red roses. "I miss you, pumpkin," she whispered. "I wish… I wish I had come with you. That way, at least we'd be together now." She turned away and began the walk back to the house. As she walked, her SS agents followed her, making sure to keep a respectful distance from the widow of perhaps one of the best Presidents the United States had ever had.

She was long past crying.

"I want to be alone this afternoon," Abbey called over her shoulder to her agents. "Please make sure no one interrupts me."

"Yes, Mrs. Bartlet," Ron Butterfield replied. He had come with her out of loyalty for her husband.

When she reached the house, Abbey went up the stairs and to the hall closet, where she pulled down a box. "All I want is to talk to you again," she whispered, taking the Ouija board to her bedroom. She sat down on the floor, and put the pointer on the board. "Jed, are you there?" she murmured.


"I miss you."


"Do you believe me now?"


"I wish there was some way…"



"Wake up, Abbey," Jed whispered, gently jiggling her arm. "You're having a bad dream, baby."

"Oh, Jed!" Abbey yelped in glee, hugging him. "Oh my god, you're alive!"

"Of course I'm alive, Abbey. Why wouldn't I be alive?"

"You were dead… I was pregnant, I lost the baby…. You died in an earthquake in California…" Abbey babbled, kissing him repeatedly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…." Jed murmured in between kisses. "Start at the beginning, honey."

"Well, it all started with the White House plumbing …."


Any and all comments are welcome!




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