The god of writing known as Aaron Sorkin, and his cohorts at Warner Bros. and NBC own the characters. I'm just taking them out for a spin in a rented limo.

This is pure goofiness, plain and simple. It shouldn't even qualify as good fic, because just about every cliché, bad word, etc., is included. Just read and laugh (or cry), and I shalt be happy. ;-)

Mucho gracias to AJ for all of her help in this. This fic wouldn't be here without her!

Category: Pick one - it could fit under general, romance, angst, or humor 

Rating: R for language and sexuality 

Spoilers: minor "Let Bartlet Be Bartlet" references 

Pairings: Jed/Abbey Archive: Yes, if you have to. But ask permission first! 

Feedback: To or on the lists. 

Summary: The White House goes to hell in a handbasket, starting with the plumbing.


"Nucking Futs" 

by Rebecca A. Anderson 

October 2000


As a maintenance crew entered the room, Jed jumped slightly. He was expecting his staff, or his daughter, not maintenance.

"Pardon us, Mr. President, but we'll only be a minute, and then your bathroom will be fully functional." The head guy said.

"You're serious?" Abbey's demeanor improved dramatically.

"No, I'm joking," the crewman said, mock-seriously.

"Jed, KILL HIM!" Abbey wailed, throwing a pillow in the direction of the maintenance man.

"Not until he fixes the bathroom, I won't." Jed replied.

"Thank you, Mister President," the man said with a grin as he went into the bathroom. "We managed to reroute some of the piping to and from the rest of Washington to fix up a few of the bathrooms in the West Wing and residence. It isn't much, and it isn't pretty, but it'll have to do until we can tear up the rose garden."

"Tear up the rose garden?" Abbey yelped in disbelief.

"And when will that be?" Jed asked as he stood up from the bed and stood in the doorway of the bathroom to watch the men at work.

"Jed!" Abbey said incredulously. "Jed, how can you condone them tearing up the rose garden, " Abbey yelled, flailing a pillow at her husband.

"It'll get all the bathrooms fixed, that's how I can condone it." Jed replied honestly as he picked the pillow up and threw it back at Abbey.

"But the roses!" she sighed. "They've been around for years -- we can't just do that! They're practically on the Historical Treasures list!"

"Well, ma'am." One of the junior maintenance men's voice picked up. "They can dig the rose plants up and temporarily store them else where, until we finish. Then, replant them. Causing no permanent damage."

"Well, thank goodness for that!" Abbey huffed. "After all, I wouldn't want to be remembered as the First Lady who hurt the rose garden."

"And what would you like to be remembered as?" Jed asked with a playful smile.

"Watch it, buster," Abbey growled, whacking him upside the head with her pillow.

"Will you give me that damn pillow?" Jed growled as he fought for control of her whacking device.

"Nope." She smiled as she won the game of tug-of-war and whacked him again.

"You, Mrs. Bartlet, are a pain in the rear," Jed grumbled.

"You wouldn't have it any other way, would you?" Abbey replied, whacking him again.

"Well, it's too late now, now isn't it?" Jed smiled, please with his witty comeback.

"Smart ass," Abbey said, smacking him again as Leo walked in with Sam, Josh, Toby and CJ trailing him.

"That's not the only part of me that's smart." Jed smiled, as he turned his attention to the people who just entered his room. "Is there something I can do for you?"

At the same time, Abbey cried, "Don't you people ever knock?"

"Nope," Toby said with a grin.

"Mr. President, there's a thing." Josh stepped forward.

"What kind of 'thing'?" Jed inquired.

"A bad thing," CJ said gravely.

"Involving the plumbing," Sam almost whined.

"And the rose garden," Toby interjected.

"It's a situation, not a 'thing'," Leo corrected.

"No." Abbey cried out.

"Yes." CJ replied.

"What kind of bad situation with the plumbing?" Jed asked.

"Well, Mr. President," the workman said, coming out of the bathroom, "it looks like we won't be fixing the plumbing anytime soon."

"NOOOOOO!!!!" Abbey wailed in dismay. CJ echoed her sentiments, just more quietly, and the men just rolled their eyes.

"What happened?" Jed asked.

"Well, it turns out the problem is more serious than we thought."

"You mean you've been thinking?" Abbey retorted.

"When do you expect to have it fixed?" Jed asked, shooting his wife a look.

"Monday morning."

"You mean, we have to deal with this for the rest of today, all of tomorrow, and the entire weekend?!!!?!"

"Abbey, relax," Leo coaxed.

"How the hell am I supposed to relax when I'm pregnant, and have to go outside in the freezing cold of Washington D.C. in January just to pee? And why are you all looking at me like that?" she asked, still not realizing her slip.

"You're..." Sam muttered.

"Preg..." Josh continued.

"nant?" CJ finished.

"For real?" Leo choked.

"Well, certainly not for fake," Jed sniped back. Abbey's face had turned an alarming shade of crimson.

"Uh, congratulations." The four staffers smiled, revealing exactly how shocked they were of this news.

"Well, congratulations would be better if we had a toilet I could run to, to throw up in about now," Abbey said, running for the bowl in the bathroom.

Jed sighed as he watched her disappear, then turned to his staff and the maintenance men. "Is there anything you can do to hurry this up any more? Maybe if we hired more people? Cause if not, I'm thinking that Abbey and I will go spend the weekend at Camp David, where there actually *is* working plumbing."

"So far as we know, Mr. President" Leo corrected. "They got hit with the same snap freeze system. There's no way of knowing if the plumbing *there* will hold out."

"Shut up," the staff and the President yelled at him.

"Mr. President, if I bring in extra crews, we *might* be able to get it done by mid-day Sunday. It's a drastic procedure we have to do, tearing up the rose garden," the foreman said warily. "But, if that's the way you want it done, I suppose we can do it."

"Yes, please," Abbey said weakly.

"Do it." Jed ordered, clearly giving everyone a sign to exit his room. As they all made their way out, Jed called out, "Leo?"

"Yes sir?"

"Are you serious about Camp David?"


"Okay, well in that case, since we are sick of this, have Mrs. L put us up in a hotel, *with* plumbing. And I don't want to hear that all the hotels in D.C. have no plumbing. So don't even try that one, Leo."

"Yes sir." Leo smiled, and exited.

"I love it," Abbey sighed happily as she came out of the bathroom of the Presidential Suite at the Savoy hotel. "A flushing toilet, a functioning shower, *and* all the bath water I can handle!"

Jed nodded to her and spoke into the phone, saying, "Yes, CJ, do tell them about us being in the hotel. Just don't tell them which one. Well, if they guess correctly, yippee-do-dah-day for them."

Abbey walked over to her husband, and reached the phone from his hand, "Good-bye CJ." She said as she hung it up. "Now, Mr. President. It's been a while since I've used a bathtub. I think I may need some help figuring it out."

"Abbey...." he started sternly, but stopped. "Oh, what the hell," he said with a shrug as he followed his wife into the bathroom.

Loosening his tie, she moved in closer, "Thank you."

"If you're going to thank me, why don't you really, you know, do a job?" He grinned, pulling her into a passionate kiss as she unbuttoned his shirt buttons.

"Why, Mr. Bartlet, I do believe that classifies as sexual harassment," Abbey said in mock-horror, kissing his collarbone.

"I sure as hell hope so!" Jed replied.

Abbey slightly shuddered as Jed pulled her shirt off of her and kissed her neck. Eventually, he went back to her lips, very forcefully. "I thought... we... were going to... take a... bath..." He said between the kiss.

"We will," she murmured, smiling coyly against his lips. "Eventually."

Unfortunately, the phone on the vanity rang right then. "I have to get this," Jed mumbled, fumbling blindly for the phone. "Bartlet," he said unsteadily as he finally got the phone to his ear.

Jed tried his hardest to get serious on the phone, but with Abbey spreading kisses all over his chest, and nibbling on his ear, that was easier said than done. Good thing for Jed that the call only lasted a long two minutes. Struggling to find the cradle, to hang it up, Jed pulled his wife into him. "That wasn't very nice. I'm gonna have to punish you now."

"Oh, please do," Abbey grinned eagerly, kissing him very gently, flicking her tongue over his lips like a tempting serpent.

"Whoa, there," Jed said. "Punishment's not supposed to be fun."

"I suppose I'll have to make do." She replied, as she pulled away from him and turned the bath water on.

The phone rang again, and by the time the call was done, Abbey was already asleep in her bath water. Jed sighed and wandered out into the bedroom.

They had a serious problem with the bathroom shortages in the White House. His staff was recommending commencing a shut-down for all non-essential elements of the House, including the Press briefing room, and over half of the West Wing offices.

After sitting down and watching TV for some time, Jed began to formulate a plan in his brain, and soon after, began implementing it.

When Abbey woke up from her nap, and climbed out of the bathtub, she threw on a comfy, warm robe and walked out of the small room. Her eyes toward the ground, she started, "Jed, I-" She looked up to see Jed laying on the bed, surrounded in red rose petals... the entire room was surrounded in red rose petals. "What the....?" she said, but then cut herself off.

"Just shut up and kiss me," he grinned, pulling her down unto the bed beside him.

When the long kiss finally came to an end, she placed a hand on his chest, "Jed... what's this for?"

"For you. For the mother of my children." Jed smiled as he moved, so as to kiss her stomach. "I love you."

"Yes, I realize that, pumpkin, but what's with the roses?" Abbey asked. She looked at them closer, then yelped, "Ohmigod, you didn't do what I think you did, did you?"

"No, I didn't." Jed stared at her. "I got them from a florist around the corner."

"You better not be lying to me Jed Bartlet."

"I learned that lesson long ago, Mrs. Bartlet."

He kissed her gently on the forehead, and said, "And besides, it's January. Where else would I get roses but at a florist?"

"You didn't go out, did you?"

"Of course not! Do you think those SS twerps would let me?"

"Good. At least you still have some semblance of sanity left."

"I don't know, I'm pretty crazy about you."

"And I you." Abbey replied.

"So when's your next doctor's appointment? When do we find out how my son's doing?"

"What makes you think it's going to be a boy?"

"A man can only hope."

Rolling her eyes and smiling sweetly, she said, "My next appointment is on the 23rd -- next Wednesday. They'll be doing another sonogram. They do one every time I go in," she sighed. "And I can already tell you it'll be another girl."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Just the way the pregnancy itself fells, Jed. Don't question me about it -- I know," she said, sticking her tongue out at him.

Immediately, Jed moved in and put his tongue out to meet hers. "I still say it's gonna be a boy." He said, when he ended the kiss.

"Yadda, yadda, yadda," Abbey grinned, kissing him again.

"You just mark my word, Dr. Bartlet. You'll see. It's going to be a boy."

"All talk. That's what you are. All talk."

Jed responded to this by pulling Abbey on top of him, and kissing her fiercely.



Nucking Futs - 4




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