The god of writing known as Aaron Sorkin, and his cohorts at Warner Bros. and NBC own the characters. I'm just taking them out for a spin in a rented limo.

This is pure goofiness, plain and simple. It shouldn't even qualify as good fic, because just about every cliché, bad word, etc., is included. Just read and laugh (or cry), and I shalt be happy. ;-)

Mucho gracias to AJ for all of her help in this. This fic wouldn't be here without her!

Category: Pick one - it could fit under general, romance, angst, or humor 

Rating: R for language and sexuality 

Spoilers: minor "Let Bartlet Be Bartlet" references 

Pairings: Jed/Abbey Archive: Yes, if you have to. But ask permission first! 

Feedback: To or on the lists. 

Summary: The White House goes to hell in a handbasket, starting with the plumbing.


"Nucking Futs" 

by Rebecca A. Anderson 

October 2000


"I really hate that woman, Jed. I'm going to kill her."


"I'm not kidding. I'm dead serious. No pun intended," Abbey growled.

"Abbey, for goodness' sake..."

"Yes! For goodness' sake. I'm going to kill her for the sake of everything good."

"Abigail! You're not going to have my baby while sitting in a federal prison for killing the President's mother," Jed said, shaking her gently by the shoulders.

Abbey sighed as she collapsed onto the bed. "Looks like our vacation has been ruined."

"Yeah, some vacation," Jed snorted.

"Oh, how I hate this town sometimes," Abbey groaned, tugging on a pair of clean underwear. "If it's not one thing, it's another. Totally nucking futs!" she muttered almost inaudibly.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" Jed gasped.

"What the hell do you think?"

"*NUCKIING FUTS*???!!!!" Jed yelled. "My god, Abbey, you'd think we were kids or something!"

"We certainly act like kids still."

The stern look on his face abated somewhat, and he burst into laughter. "Well, we can't very well tell Mother that," he grinned, ruffling his wife's hair.

"Hey, knock it off!" Abbey giggled, kissing him on the forehead.

"If I knock anything off, it'll be your clothes from your body."

"Jed, your mother is in the other room," Abbey reminded him sagely. "Imagine her face if she walked in on that."

"You always know how to ruin my fun."

"Hey -- imagine her having a heart attack as I licked you from head to toe..." Abbey grinned wickedly, nipping him on the very tip of his nose.

"I'd rather just imagine you licking me from head to toe... or have you actually, you know. Do it."

"Down, lover boy, down," Abbey giggled, writhing in his embrace. "Don't forget about your mother."

"Will you stop mentioning her? I'm trying to have a moment with my beautiful wife here."

"Promises, promises," Abbey whispered, kissing him gently.

"Oh, I fully intend on carrying out all promises I make."

"Said like a true politician," Abbey smiled against his lips.

"Will you shut up already so I can kiss you?"

"Welcome to my reality," Abbey sighed.

"Oh? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You never shut up anymore than I do. It's a wonder we spend any time at all on foreplay," Abbey giggled. "We could just talk trivia until we were turned on, I guess...."

"Not on your life," Jed grinned, kissing his wife thoroughly.

"Josiah?" Katherine knocked on the door. "Josiah, are you in there?"

"Goddamn it," Jed growled. "I can't let my mother see me right now."

"Oh, no -- you're not leaving me to deal with her," Abbey said firmly. "You're just going to have to deal with that hard on of yours."

"What do you want Mother?" Jed growled at the door. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Sleep? On a beautiful day like this? Have you looked out the window yet, Josiah?" Katherine called.

"Yes. And the view isn't nearly so beautiful out there as it is in here," he said softly to his wife.

"Say what, Josiah? I can't hear you!" Katherine bellowed.

"I'm really very tired, Mother. I just want to sleep. Abbey thinks I may be coming down with something."

Abbey snorted, then began to snicker, and had to resort to burying her face in a pillow to muffle the noises. Jed just watched her with an amused smile.

"Josiah, I'll get you a *real* doctor...." Katherine began, but found herself cut off as her daughter-in-law raced from the bed and yanked the door open.

"TAKE THAT BACK, DAMMIT, OR I SWEAR TO *GOD*......" Abbey shrieked, lunging at her mother-in-law.

"Abigail!" Jed jumped after her and pulled her away.

"Did you hear what she just said?" Abbey yelled, straining in her husband's arms. "Let me at her. LET ME AT HER!!!"

"No!" Jed's grasp on her got tighter. "Mother, why don't you. . . why don't you go visit Leo for the rest of the day? I think you've done enough here."

"I don't want to visit Leo," Katherine said firmly. "I want to spend time with my son."

"Well you aren't going to. Not today!" Jed snapped. "Go find Zoey or something. Anyone, just go."

"Josiah Thomas Bartlet, that is no way to speak to your mother!" Katherine yelped indignantly, drawing herself up too her full height of five feet two inches tall.

"Yeah, fuck it," Jed said angrily. "Just get out."

Katherine looked at her son incredulously and then slapped him upside the head before turning on her heals and running out of the hotel room.

Abbey struggled for a moment longer, then went limp and said, "I am now calm."

"Yeah right," Jed growled, still reeling from his mother's strike. "Women.... Jeez..."

"Take that back," Abbey snarled hostility.

"Make me." He said, squeezing her in his arms.

"You're joking, aren't you?" she replied. "After all of this, you're still going to side with me?"

"Don't I always side with you?"


"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

Pushing her towards the bed, he grinned, "Yes huh."

"That's not true," Abbey protested in vain. "Remember the other night when we threw ice cream around? You didn't side with me."

"That's different," he replied as she landed on her bottom on the bed. "That was food."

"How is food different?"

"Food is sacred, Abbey," Jed grinned mischievously.

"More sacred than the covenant of marriage?" she countered, wrapping her legs around his hips and beginning to unbutton his shirt. "Answer carefully, gumdrop, else you lose out on some hot lovin' in the mornin'," Abbey drawled lazily.

"I refuse to answer that."

"Smart move, handsome," Abbey purred, stroking his chest.

"Well, I'm a smart man."

"That still remains to be seen. After all, you did extend an invitation for your mother to come and visit...." Jed yelped in pain as she yanked a single hair off of his chest.

"I also just got rid of her. And don't do that anymore."

"Don't do what?" Abbey inquired innocently. "This?" she purred as she kissed her way down his chest as far as she could.

"Well, that I don't mind so much." Jed grinned.

"Ahhh.... It must have been *this* that you don't want me to do," she murmured, undoing the button on his pants.

"No, I have no problems with that either."

"Must be this, then," she grinned, unzipping his fly.

"Nope, not that either."

"Well, all I know now is that you are *WAAAAY* overdressed, Mr. President," Abbey chuckled.

"Oh, and what about you?"

"You seem to have forgotten that your mother left the door open. If you cared any for my maidenly virtue, you would go shut the door and keep me away from the prying eyes of your Secret Service detail," she scolded.

"OH SHIT!!!!! THE DOOR'S *OPEN*??!" Jed yelled.

"I thought you were an observant man."

"Ron, shut the door," Jed called into the other room.

"Not a chance in hell, Mr. President," Butterfield shot back.


"Why? Because I really don't need to see you and the First Lady in your skivvies, Mr. President," Ron replied.

"I'll do it." Abbey moaned and got up and shut the door. Half way back to the bed, she moved her hands to her stomach, "Jed, she just kicked again!"

"He! And let me feel."

"Not until you say I'm right and it's a *she*," Abbey whined petulantly.

"But you aren't right. It's gonna be a he. It's gonna be a little Josiah junior."

"I hate that name," Abbey groaned. When Jed moved to touch her belly, she slapped him away. "Nuh-uh."

"You hate my name?"

"Your full name, pumpkin. Why the hell do you think I call you *Jed* instead of *Josiah*?" she shot back.

"You hate my name?"

"Well, maybe not *hate*.... Strongly dislike. Yes, that's the phrase," she stuttered as he advanced on her, glaring.

"You hate my name!"

"Strongly dislike!" she yelped as she fell backwards over his briefcase and landed on her tailbone with a *thud*.

"You okay?" Jed picked her up.

"No, but thanks for asking," Abbey groaned. "Jesus," she moaned, rubbing her backside.

"Serves you right for hating my name."

"Ha ha. So funny I forgot to laugh."

"Hey, guess what!" Jed grinned.

"What?" Abbey whimpered, wincing as he led her to the bed to sit down.

"I almost forgot to tell you, the maintenance crews are putting the finishing touches on everything tomorrow morning."

The slack-jawed look on Abbey's face dissipated into total joy. "NO MORE VOGUE IN MY BATHROOM!" she shrieked happily, grabbing Jed and kissing him like they had been trying to get around to kissing earlier.



"I love you."

"No more Vogue in my bathroom," she grinned, throwing him onto his back on the bed and straddling his hips. "Now, let's get this going before we're interrupted again!"

"What's that?" Jed grinned.

Abbey gave him her "I am not amused" look and kissed him ravenously.

"Abbey?" Jed pulled from the kiss.

"Wha-at??" she whined, nibbling on his ear.

"You were kidding about hating my name, right?"

"What would happen if I said no?"

"I'd be very upset with you."

"I don't care -- isn't the new slogan 'Let Bartlet Be Bartlet'? I really *do not* like your name, pumpkin. It doesn't fit you."

Jed turned over on his stomach, "You're serious!"

"Yes, Jed, I am."

"Don't talk to me. I'm mad at you."

"Don't you think you're being a bit childish about this?"

"I don't care. Don't talk to me anymore."

"You hateful..." She cut herself off before she could say anything more. "I'm leaving. I'll go to fucking Bolivia or somewhere like that," Abbey growled, slithering off the bed and pulling her trenchcoat on over her jeans and blouse. "I hate you, too," she snarled as she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Jed caught up with her before she could leave the suite, "Damnit Abigail. I never said I hate you. I said I was mad at you."

"Yeah, bite me," she yelled, stomping on the bridge of his foot and leaving the room, her SS agents trailing behind her.



Nucking Futs - 8




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