Title: Beach Bums
Pairings: Josh/Donna banter, Toby/Sam/CJ friendship
Summary: Josh, Donna, Toby, Sam and CJ spend a day at the beach.
Disclaimer: The West Wing and its characters do not belong to me.
* * * Beach Bums 1/2 * * *
"I'm not going to the beach, Sam. Why would I go to the beach?" Toby
"Because it'll be fun, Toby. You are acquainted with the word 'fun',
"I seem to remember engaging in activities that could be termed as such in
"Well, my friend, take a nap and stop eating glue, because it's time to
"I hate the beach, Sam."
"How can anyone hate the beach? It's beautiful. There's all that sand
"It looks like a big litter box."
"The difference being that people don't urinate and defecate on
Toby scoffed at that, "You've obviously never visited a New York beach."
Sam wrinkled his nose in disgust and then changed the subject. "Don't
"You have fair skin. You don't want to burn."
"Who are you, my mother?"
"Fine, don't listen. Turn into a sundried tomato for all I care."
"I need not worry about that happening, because I'm not going."
"I'm really not."
"You haven't spent more than three minutes at a time outside since
"And you know why that is, Sam? It's because I hate the outdoors. And
"You break children's kites?"
"It was a one time thing and the kid was too old to be flying a Barney
"You're a man who breaks children's kites and makes them cry. Have you
"I didn't lose any sleep over it, if that's what you're asking."
"When was the last time you went to the beach?"
"Six years ago. Andi dragged me there and then got upset when I yelled
"You're a terrible person, Toby."
Toby smirked, "I hate the beach."
"You're going and you will have fun."
"When did you turn into Mr. Assertive?"
"Something new I'm trying. What do you think?"
"I think you pull off bumbling and naive much more effectively," Toby
Sam shrugged and yelled after him, "Don't forget your sunblock!"
* * * *
Josh strutted down the halls of the West Wing, as Donna followed behind
"Donna, did you write down potato chips? I need potato chips."
"For the thousandth time, yes, I put potato chips on the list."
"Good, because I need potato chips while at the beach."
"I somehow think you'd survive without potato chips, Josh."
"Don't even joke about that. What's a day at the beach without potato
"To a normal person, a day at the beach would be enough in its self."
"Get the ones with ridges. I like ridges," Josh said, as he ignored her
"Am I to assume we're still talking about potato chips?"
"And get one of those big, long salami logs, too. I like those."
"I am not getting you a salami log, Josh."
"Because I really don't think you need a big, macho hunk of meat to lug
"Macho hunk of meat?"
"Yes, I do believe you are compensating for something."
"Excuse me?" he asked, his face twisting in confusion.
"Compensating for what? Are you implying that-..."
"What kind of beverages do you want?"
"I simply like salami, Donna."
"Okay. Fine. Let's move on."
"Do I get my salami log?"
"Yes, my Lord, you do."
"My Lord...I like that, keeping doing that."
Donna rolled her eyes, "Anything else?"
"I'm going to need at least one Pudding Snack Pack."
Donna chuckled, "Okay, should I put that in your lunchbox with your
"Are you mocking the Snack Pack, Donna? Never mock the Snack Pack."
"I'm simply pointing out that you eat the same thing as kids who still
"The Pudding Snack Pack is an ageless treat."
"Whatever. Anything else?"
"Yoohoo. I need Yoohoo."
"Seriously, Josh, how old are you?"
"Have you ever tried its chocolatey deliciousness?"
"No, but then again I'm not nine."
"Well, it's great. Certainly better than those flavored waters you're
"Don't start with me about the flavored waters, Josh."
"I mean, who drinks flavored water? Why would you pay for water to be
"It just so happens that I prefer my water not taste like it just
"See, now that's where we differ," Josh replied, as he grinned at her
* * * *
"Josh, could you possibly help me with all of this?" Donna asked in an
Josh took a deep breath and then turned around to face her, "I really
Donna rolled her eyes at him and mumbled, "The only thing that's clear
"Did you say something?"
"Yeah, little help here?"
He looked over at her and smiled, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I just did...TWICE!"
Josh shrugged and proceeded to help her unload the trunk.
Sam's car pulled in next to theirs at the Chesapeake Beach parking lot a
"What happened to you guys? You were right behind us until after the
Toby rubbed at his forehead and was about to speak, when Sam cut him
Toby groaned, "No, Sam decided to use a crappy compass that he must
"I used that compass in Boy Scouts, Toby. I found my way out of the
"Why were you in the forest?"
"I got lost."
Toby sighed, "Okay, can we all just agree right now that there are dogs
CJ groaned, "Enough already! If I have to listen to anymore of your
"You're like 9 feet tall, CJ, I'm thinking you'll survive," Toby
"Okay, then maybe I'll just drown you," she countered threateningly.
Toby quieted after that and began to remove their items from the trunk.
When everything was unloaded from both cars, they headed towards the
Sam was leading the group and it seemed like they'd been walking for
Sam stopped, licked his index finger and held it up to the air.
Toby rolled his eyes. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Checking the direction of the wind."
"We don't want to be downwind."
"I don't know, it just seems like a bad place to be."
Toby muttered something beneath his breath and then allowed the things
They shrugged and began to set up.
It was long, however, before CJ shrieked in disgust and pointed at
"It's men's underwear," she said.
Josh smiled, "Not mine. I'm a boxer man."
"Well, Joshua, I think that's more than any of us wanted to know," CJ
"Who would wear underwear to a beach?" Sam asked.
"Apparently, someone who wouldn't miss it much," CJ responded.
They all shrugged and turned back to setting up. It wasn't long before
"Hey, Donna, could you not try to poke my out eye with the umbrella?" Josh
"Hey, Josh, could you try to make yourself useful and help me?" Donna
"I am making myself useful. I'm unpacking the picnic basket."
"Yes, if unpacking means removing a bag of potato chips, opening it and
"Clearly, our definition of the word differs."
Donna groaned and purposely whacked him in the head with the umbrella.
"Ow!" he yelped and rubbed at his forehead.
Donna smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, sorry, it was an accident."
Josh rolled his eyes and muttered, "Real mature."
The setting up and unpacking was soon completed and everyone prepared
Sam turned to Toby, a large tube of sunblock in his hands. "You want me
Toby eyes widened at him. "Excuse me?"
"Sunblock. Do you want me to apply it to your back?"
"Are you really asking me this question?"
"It would appear that way," Sam replied, his brow furrowing in
"Do I want you to slather sunblock all over my back?"
"I'm sorry, Sam, when did I become at all comfortable with you touching
Sam sighed and handed the tube to CJ, "Here, you do it. Apparently,
CJ smiled, took the tube from Sam and told Toby to remove his T-shirt.
There was a silent moment of shock as the others caught sight of his
Toby shook his head, rubbing at his beard in irritation. "Oh, grow up,
Josh barely stifled a laugh as he replied, "Some hair, yes. A bear
At that statement, they all burst out laughing again.
CJ finally recovered long enough to comment, "So this is where bad
Toby groaned and shook his head sharply, "That's it. I'm going home."
He motioned to put his T-shirt back on, when they all began to
"We're sorry, Toby. We were only kidding. We won't say one more word
Toby sighed and nodded. He had turned his back to allow CJ to apply
Toby whipped around quickly, glared at Sam and then ripped the tube
With that, he turned on his heel and stalked off down the beach.
They were all silent for a few moments before Donna said, "Don't you
They pondered that for a moment, before shaking their heads and
Donna shook her head at them disapprovingly.
* * * *
Josh and Donna peeled off their clothes and headed towards the water in
They were quiet until Josh shrieked, "Get it off me! Get it off!"
Donna turned to him with wide eyes, "What?"
"I don't know. Something touched my left big toe. Could've been a
"They've been coming closer and closer to shore this year, Donna. And
"I can't believe you're actually boasting about being perfectly suited
Josh was just about to respond, when he screamed once more, "There it
He looked at Donna pleadingly. She shook her head, "You're not actually
"Look under the water and see what it is, Donna. If it's jellyfish,
Donna chuckled, "I am not doing that, Josh."
"You're my assistant."
"I guess I missed the part in my job description that said 'alleviate
"Did you just call me a wuss?"
"I'm not a wuss, Donna."
"I'm not...OH GOD, GET IT OFF!" he yelled, as he interrupted himself.
Donna sighed in defeat and slowly lowered herself underwater. She
"What was it? It was a shark, right? You saw a shark nipping at my
Donna laughed and held up a sopping piece of seaweed. "Here's your
"What is that?"
"It looks like spinach."
"You don't know the difference between seaweed and spinach?"
"I'm just saying I could have chicken served on a bed of seaweed and be
"You're pathetic. The fact that you are allowed to run around
"So I don't know the difference between seaweed and spinach. What's
"Haven't you ever seen 'Popeye'? He ate spinach."
"No, while you were watching cartoons, I was busy becoming a considerably
"And, might I add, a wuss." Donna paused, ignoring Josh's glare in
"I did no such thing."
"You screamed like a little five year old girl who lost her balloon."
"I voiced my concern in my normal, masculine voice."
"You screamed like a little girl."
"You know, that's a very sexist comment. I expect more from you."
"It's not sexist. The only way it could be sexist is if it weren't so
Josh shrugged, finding no hole in her argument, except his protest of not
Lately, anything he said to Toby was answered with a curt response. And
A moment later, Sam decided to throw caution to the wind and propose
"Um, Toby, do you want to have a sandcastle building contest?"
Toby slowly turned his head and stared at Sam. "I'm sorry?"
"A sandcastle building contest. You build a castle, I build a castle.
CJ overheard Sam and decided to join in the conversation. "CJ is most
Sam looked over at her, "You're reading a magazine."
"And you think I'm going to wait to find out who my perfect mate is
Toby chuckled and muttered, "Yeah, wouldn't want to take that kind of
CJ sighed, "Fine, I'll help you."
Sam smiled and turned back to Toby, "So, how about it?"
"Will I engage in a childish attempt at architecture with you?"
"Why not?" Sam whined.
"Because I'm not six."
"Building sandcastles is for all ages, Toby. They have a huge contest in
"Sam," Toby interrupted softly.
"Okay." Sam quieted for a few moments and then asked, "So wanna do it
Toby groaned and threw his book down on the sand, "You're not going to
"Honestly, I'm not sure I have the stamina for that," Sam replied.
Toby sighed loudly, "Fine, I will compete against you in a sandcastle
Sam's eyes brightened and he practically leapt to his feet. "Great!
"Who is this 'we', Sam? Are those the voices in your head speaking
Sam ignored him and continued, "You are not allowed to use any
"Thank God, because I forgot mine in my other swimsuit."
Sam once again ignored Toby and clapped his hands together. "Okay,
Toby looked around them and then up at Sam, "Um, Sam, what are we
Sam smiled and picked up a bag at his feet, "That's what these are for."
Toby's brow raised, as Sam removed some small, plastic children's sand
"What the hell did you do? Steal from a kid or did he gladly hand them
Sam grinned and shook his head. "Of course not. These are mine."
Toby's eyes widened. "Yours?"
Toby laughed and said, "Now that's just disturbing."
Sam's brow furrowed in confusion. He decided to let it go and began to
He handed CJ two big buckets. "Okay, CJ, you're in charge of retrieving
"Yes, master. If I am not prompt or I spill a bit, will I receive
Sam shook his head at her, "CJ, sandcastle building is serious stuff.
CJ had to bite her lip to keep from laughing, "Oh no, I'm serious. I
"CJ," Sam said warningly.
CJ forced herself not to smile, "Okay, I'm totally serious."
"Thank you. Now go get us some water please."
Sam turned back to Toby and shook his head at him, "Can you believe her
"Yeah," Toby nodded in agreement, "Going by her, one might actually get
Sam's eyes narrowed, as he tried to figure out if Toby was actually
* * * *
"Watch, Donna." Josh said, as they reached the shore. "David
Donna watched as Josh ran in place in slow motion. He moved his arms
Donna couldn't help but laugh. She shook her head at him, "I don't
"Don't get me wrong, I love the man. He got to run around with
Donna chuckled, "You are such a pig."
"Come to think of it, maybe I should lobby to get the dress code changed
"I'm sorry, I think I just offended pigs," Donna replied.
Josh shrugged and picked up a Frisbee that he found on the sand. "Wanna
"Josh, that's not ours. I'm sure some kid is looking for it."
"Well, when and if he comes around I'll give him a little lecture on
Donna reluctantly shrugged, "Okay, let's play."
Donna walked a few yards away from Josh and then he threw the Frisbee.
Josh sighed, "The object of the game is to catch the Frisbee, Donna. If
Donna simply glared at him and then flung it.
The game continued on, Donna eventually getting into a groove. Josh
"Can I help you?"
"That's my Frisbee."
"Actually, I found it lying over there on the sand."
"That's because I dropped it when we were looking for a spot on the
"Well, maybe next time you'll be more careful with your things."
By now, Donna had joined them. She whispered to him, "Just give her the
Josh whispered back, "No, it's about the principle of the matter."
"What principle? You're withholding a child's Frisbee."
"I'm teaching her a lesson."
"You're making her cry."
"She has to learn someday."
"What are you gonna do next, Josh? Tell her there's no Easter Bunny?!"
The little girl looked up at Donna with a quivering lip and said,
Donna smiled weakly, "Oh no, I was talking about something else. There
Josh nodded, "Yeah, and if you're good maybe he'll bring you another
"Josh!" Donna scolded and slapped him upside the head.
Josh rubbed at his head, but reacted quickly when the girl attempted to
"Give it to me!" the girl ordered with a stomp of her foot.
"Give it to me NOW!"
"Losers weepers, finders keepers!" Josh countered.
Donna simply shook her head at him. The little girl glared at him before
Josh smiled in satisfaction. He then backed up a few feet and flung
"Um, Donna, do we need to review the objective of the game again?"
"I can't believe you, Josh."
He smiled cockily, "I know, did you see how easily I handled that kid?"
"Well, at least you didn't resort to any childish and immature arguments
"No, to my credit, I did not," Josh replied, totally missing her point.
"Losers weepers, finders keepers?!"
"That's a classic, Donna. It's ageless. Much like the Pudding Snack
"You are a sad, sad man,"
"Whose got the Frisbee?" he asked with a grin. He paused and then said,
Donna shrugged in defeat, picked up the Frisbee and then threw it to
However, he was distracted by a beautiful eighteen year old female
Donna's initial reaction was to laugh, but she soon recovered from that
Josh was blinking furiously and attempting to rub at his head. Donna
She bent down to pick up her Frisbee and scowled at Josh. She then
She then looked back down at Josh and said, "That's what you get for
She kicked Josh's side before walking away.
Josh's eyes were now wide with shock and he was trying to rub at both
Donna shook her head at him, "I have to agree with the kid. You got
Josh smiled as he sat up and then said weakly, "Did you see her sister?
Donna simply shook her head in disgust and then shoved him back down to
* * * *
"CJ!" Sam yelled at the tall woman carrying two buckets of water. "This
CJ reached Sam and offered him an ire filled glare. "Yell at me one
Sam swallowed hard, his tone now soft, "I apologize. Thank you so much
He took the buckets from her and then dropped to his knees. He was
He walked over to Toby and stood over him.
He studied Toby's creation, his brow creasing as he did so. A few
Toby looked up at him, "It's a castle."
Sam glanced down at the 'castle', which looked to be little more than an
"It's a mound of sand."
"Well, I'm not finished," Toby replied.
"You have to do better than this."
"Actually, I don't. This is my castle and you're just going to have to
"But this is any competition against mine."
Toby stood up, brushing the sand off his knees. "Well, why don't you
Sam lead Toby to his work of art. Toby's eyes nearly fell out of his
"How the hell did you do this?" Toby asked incredulously.
"It wasn't hard. It just took a little patience and some creativity."
Sam pointed to one of the little openings which served as a window and
Toby did so and asked, "Is that a grand piano in there?"
Sam smiled proudly, "It sure is. And the floor is actually a mosaic of
Toby looked at the floor in amazement, "Is that baby Jesus made out of
"Yes, that one did prove difficult."
Toby shook his head, "Well, I'm not a Christian, but it looks pretty
Toby stood up and glanced over at his own creation. "I think you win."
Sam didn't hear him, however, because he was too busy yelling at CJ.
CJ finally reached them and stood in front of Sam with her jaw
"That is for ordering me around, you castle-building-Hitler freak!"
Sam stood dripping in front of her, his mouth hanging open in disbelief.
CJ then picked up the other bucket and proceeded to pour it over one of
CJ turned back to Sam, "And that is for being a castle building freak
CJ and Toby watched as Sam dropped to his knees and looked sorrowfully
"Oh no, not Rapunzel!" Sam said in a tone that bordered on frantic, as
"There was a Rapunzel?" Toby whispered to CJ.
Sam finally retrieved a soaked and tattered 'Rapunzel', which consisted
Sam stood up, shaking his head and cradling 'Rapunzel' in the palm of
CJ was attacked by a sudden pang of guilt as she watched Sam. "Oh, I'm
Sam shrugged and said with a small smile, "That's okay. I used your
CJ opened her mouth to yell at him, but then thought better of it and
* * * *
Donna helped Josh get back to where they'd set up. Everyone looked at
"What happened to you?" CJ asked.
Donna spoke before Josh could, "He got beaten up by a little girl."
"I did not. I was distracted by her beautiful sister and the Frisbee
"And then the little girl kicked him."
"Well, I was on the ground. How could I have defended myself?"
"Josh stole her Frisbee."
"I found her Frisbee."
"So the girl used her sister to get it back. A six year old outwitted
Toby, Sam and CJ laughed, as Josh rewarded Donna with a glare.
Josh spoke through gritted teeth, "I was not outwitted, Donna."
"She played you like a fiddle."
"Can we just go home now?" Josh asked in irritation.
"I'm all for that," Sam said sadly.
"Me too," CJ agreed flatly.
They all began to pack up when Toby said, "Well, I for one, have a
They all groaned at him, as they continued to pack up their belongings.
*************************************** THE END