Title: Adagio
Author: Sassy Susan
Category: Josh/Donna, Angst
Rating: R for Angst
Summary: "Within my heart and my soul, I wait for you,  Adagio"
Feedback: never written anything like this, so please tell me what you think.
Spoilers: Season 3 spoilers!!!

Disclaimers: Question #1: Am I Aaron Sorkin? Awnser: No.
               Question #2: Therefore, do I own them? Awnser: No.
               To sum it up: I DO NOT OWN THESE PEOPLE!

Notes: Ok, this is majorly HUGE angst. I mean MAJOR. If you don not like character deaths, sorrow, grief, unrequited things.............I strongly advise you do not read this. Sassy Susan accepts no responsibility for any heartache, tears or emotinal distress this fic may cause. NONE.
The lyrics are from a beautiful song called 'Adagio' by laura fabian and i have not seen any season 3 episodes at all. So I'm just going on what spoilers I've read, If i have anything wrong, go with it because i don't care anyway.

As always thanks to my beta, friend and emotional rock, Abby.

I don't know where to find you
I don't know how to reach you
I hear your voice in the wind
I feel you under my skin
Within my heart and my soul
I wait for you

 I'll never forget the look on your face when the President told you. It was as if the whole world crumbled and left just you standing, facing the apocalyptic ruins scattered around you. It's probably wrong, but I felt oddly happy that I'd made you feel this way, it told me you did care for me after all and that you would miss me.
For once I had the power over you, instead of it being the other way round.

 Then you got angry at me. Why? Did you think that I wanted this? Did you think I did it to hurt you? I know what people say now they think I don't hear them anymore, 'Donna was depressed', 'Donna was suicidal' etc, etc. It wasn't like that, I swear Joshua, I never saw that car coming, but you knew that didn't you Joshua?

 Did you know I was on my way to see you? No, I didn't think so.

 I was though, I was coming to try and sort things out with you Joshua. I couldn't go on like this, not with things the way they were between us. If that car hadn't killed me, the hostility between us would have, slowly. I wanted to finally sort the whole Cliff/Diary fiasco out once and for all.

Funny, but that 'all encompassing situation' doesn't seem so important now, does it?

 I don't even remember hitting the road, I don't even recall being in pain. My first thought was 'Josh is gonna be pissed when I'm late tommorow', but then when I realised that I probably wasn't even going to be alive the next day all I could think of was that I never told you. It didn't even matter to me that I hadn't called my
mother in ages and told her I loved her, or that I hadn't said goodbye to my friends one last time. All I could think of was that you didn't know how much I loved you. That's so typical Joshua, I'm dying in the middle of the road and yet my only thoughts are of you. Just love being the centre of attention, don't you?
At the very end I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, because you hated me anyway.

All of these nights without you
All of my dreams surround you
I see and I touch your face
I fall into your embrace
When the time is right, I know
You'll be in my arms

 You didn't go to my funeral Joshua, people said that was really shitty thing to do to me, but that's ok, I'm not mad. Truth is, I didn't got to my funeral either, it seemed a bit depressing. I'm a girl that likes a good time, and having people dressed in black, sitting through a depressing service and then chucking my body into the ground just didn't seem like a fun day out. Obviously you thought so too. So I lay opposite you in your bed and cried the day out with you. Although I always wondered whether your tears were from love or guilt. In a way, it disappointed me. You're Joshua Lyman, you're not supposed to cry. You're the strong one and I'm the emotional wreck, so seeing you cry was seeing you weak. Seeing you weak is like finding out at eight years old that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

 I learnt a lot that day, and you made feel alive  when you confessed to the empty room that you were in love with me. Then I died again when I realised you couldn't hear me say it back. I died thinking you hated me, and I left you thinking I never loved you. If only that last part were the case.

 That was the only time you ever said that you love me. But you don't need to say it again. I know it, you know it. Saying it over and over will only cheapen it and cheap is something that you and I should never be, Joshua.  That night I kissed you softly while you slept, emotionally exhausted, but you never fliched. You didn't even know it.

I close my eyes and I find a way
No need for me to pray
I've walked so far
I've fought so hard
Nothing more to explain
I know all that remains
Is a piano that plays

 I was so proud when The President won re-election, of all you guys. You did it, against the odds, you pulled through and did it. I was even prouder when you managed to find an assistant you could work with and, more importantly, who could work with you. When she brought you coffee you threw it out of the window and told her to never bring it again, I laughed. When you kissed her for the first time, I cried, but that's ok, I'm not mad at you dating her. I'm not even mad that you're going to be marrying her.

 Why? Because you don't love her. You'd deny it until your dying day, but I know you don't, I can see it. When you look at her there's no love in your eyes, half the time there's not even any warmth. You don't look at her the way you used to look at me, you don't stare after her as she walks away, not the way you did with me. When you tell her you love her, there's no love in your voice. You don't say it to her the way you said it to me that time.

On some level, she knows it too.

 It was about that time you started going to my grave Joshua, though I never really understood why. You never say anything, you always bring twelve red roses and stand and stare for twenty minutes, then you kiss my headstone and leave. Why do you do that? Is it guilt Joshua? Is it because you understand what seeing you with her does to me? But none of my questions are ever awnsered, because you just stand in silence. If there's something you want to tell me Joshua, *tell* me. I'm dead, not telepathic.

Does she know you go there every week? No, I didn't think so.

If you know where to find me
If you know how to reach me
Before this light fades away
Before I run out of faith
Be the only man to say
That you'll hear my heart
That you'll give your life
Forever you stay

 Sam, CJ and Toby sitting in the waiting room, hardly moving, waiting for you again. They look terrible, for them this is like Rosslyn all over. You never listened did you, Joshua? The doctors warned you about heart attacks, *I* warned you about heart attacks. If you're weren't going to listen to them, you could at least have listened to me. if you really loved me, why didn't you?

Watching the doctors trying to save your life, I realise I've been here before. I've watched this whole scene before. They're right, this *is* Rosslyn all over again.

 Don't worry Joshua, death isn't a scary as you think. There's no big guy in black and no scales at the gate of heaven. In fact, there is no heaven, as such. Just a higher plane of existence. It won't be long Joshua, tough it out a few more minutes and then we'll have all the time in the world.

But now your heart monitors back to it's steady beat, and it dawns on me that you're going to live after all. You won't be coming to me and we won't be together. Instead, your going to walk out of here next week with the woman you don't love, go back to work and carry on with your life as normal. I'm going to have to have my heart ripped out a bit more before you finally join me, before you finally come into my arms where you belong.

But that's ok.
I'll wait

Don't let this light fade away, no, no, no, no
Don't let me run out of faith
Be the only man to say
That you believe
Make me believe
You won't let go

The End

So? good, bad, made you wanna rip off your arms?
Let me know at Suztheangel@aol.com.