Title: Blaming Sam (Part 3/7)
Author: Sassy Susan

Disclaimers and notes in part 1
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Showered?
Yes.
Hair Sorted?
Yes.
Reasonably sober?
Yes.
Reasonably hungover?
Yes.
Headache?
Not so much.
Sense of impending doom?
Absoloutely.

"Uh Donna?"

I love the way Dave just said that.
It was like he was afraid that he would awaken my inner beast, the part of me that just wants to go round beating people with my shoes.
The same part of me that is that makes me scream and throw things at the TV whenever I see that Pledge ad.
Y'know? The one where the kid's drawing on the furniture while his mother still smiles like the idiot she is?
You know the one.

I think I know what Shelley saw in Dave last night.
Or at least what she saw in her hormonal, sexually frustrated haze.
He's not bad looking in a, despite the Roger Rabbit boxers, and the fact that he's drinking beer at this time in the day.
Plus, I can detect the whole 'I'm sensitive, but not gay' vibe he's giving off.

"What's up?"
"Some guy just called for you."
"Who was it?"

I'm willing to bet everything I own that it was Josh.
Yes, even my one and only Versace dress.

"I dunno, I think it was might've been your boyfriend."

Oh please.
God, if you have any mercy for me, please.
Don't let it have been Norman.

"Did he leave a message?"

Rotweilers won't come to anything more than a couple of hundred dollars, will they?

"No, just said he'd see you later. I offered to get you, but he got all agitated and hung up."

Yeah.
Definitely Josh.
Either calling to whine or taunt me.

"Ok, thanks."

I worry myself sometimes.
I should be really freaked at how natural I find it to have a strange man walking around the place in his boxers, drinking beer and taking my phone calls.
Especially when it's not my strange man.

This Dave could be anyone.
Shelley just met him last night.
Come on, this is D.C, some strange people live in this part of Washington.
Y'know people who wannabe Norman Bates, people who think working in the White House would be fun, Sam, Republicans............it's endless.

Yet, I still don't feel freaked out.

"Donna, you ready to go?"
"Sure. So tell me Shelley, am I going to find Dave acting as my secretary on other occasions or just today?"
"What? Yeah, why not. Are you ready to go yet?"
"What's the rush?"
"You have a visitor in the living room."

Sometimes her smirk is even more infuriating than Josh's.

Oh my god, Josh.
He's here to wind me up in person, isn't he?
He's here.........................

Hey, that's not Josh.
That's Norman.
I can actually feel my eye's widen by about 9 inches.
I never knew eyes actually did that.......

NORMAN IS HERE!

"Good morning Donna."
"Norman, what are you doing here?'

Norman is here.

"I came to rescue you, of course."

Norman is here.

"Sorry, but, what?"
"Well I called, like I said I would and Shelley and I got talking. She mentioned that your car wasn't going and suggested that it would be nice if I drove you to work, and because I'm a great guy, I said yes."
"She didn't tell me that."
"She thought it might be a nice surprise for you and it gives me a chance to spend some time with you."
"Did she?"
"Yeah, I've never been inside the White House, but after Shelley said that you were going to invite me yourself to see you at work, I booked the day off."
"I don't think that it's a good idea."
"Sure it is! Don't worry, I've got some personal days to use up."

I'm not that far from the window and 12 storey's is not that much of a drop.
If I land in the correct way, I might not even break my neck.

"Shelley, come into the bathroom with me for a moment."
"Why would........"
"Now."
"Yeah, we're....just going into the bathroom. Norman, Dave, talk amongst yourselves."

That's it.
I'm going to do what CJ does and have a hit list.
I got the first 4 positions filled already.
And it it's still early in the day.

"Shelley! What are you doing? What is he doing here?"
"Would you relax?"
"Not when that man is in the living room!"
"Norman or Dave?"
"SHELLEY!"
"No, there's no man called.......Oh."
"And there's noting wrong with my car, it works fine."
"Well, for the purposes of today it's not."
"How could you do this to me?"
"Look, when he phoned it was 7:15! It was way too early to be thinking that straight.
And by the time I remembered that you don't actually like him I'd already told him."

What is he doing calling at 7:15, just hours after our first date?
See, this is what I get for doing the nod at the end of the date.
If anybody out there is inclined to do that same nod, here's some advise.
DON'T DO IT! HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF!
Because this is what you get.

"I..I don't understand."
"Well I had this whole plan formed in my mind. See, at first I just thought you hadn't given him a chance, so I thought that if you spent some time with him you'd change your mind. So I said your car wasn't working and that you'd casually mentioned how much you would love to take him into work one day."

The migraine has started already.

"I can't believe you did this."
"Donna, if it's any consolation, the moment I said it I thought 'Oh, Donna doesn't actually like this guy, I'm stupid'."

I'm gonna kill her.
I'm kill her right now with her toothbrush.
Congratulations Sam, you're no longer at the top of my list.

"Donna, how bad could it really be? You take him in for 1 day, you shove him in 1 of the tour groups and spend the rest of the day hiding. At the end of it you tell him you don't really want to see him again. End of story."

And after numerous stabbings with the toothbrush I'll finish her off by making her eat soap.

"Shelley, I work at the White House, we're running a country. America is not a 9 to 5 tourist attraction!"

It's funny how Josh's words come back at me at the strangest times.

"What?"
"I can't just take anyone into the West Wing of the White House for the day!"
"You took me."
"That was different, you are..................half normal."
"Why didn't you just tell him you didn't wanna see him again last night?"
"I didn't want to be rude and I ended up doing the nod thing!"
"The nod thing?"
"Yeah, the thing....with my head......and the nodding, y'know the nod thing!"

She's confused.
I'm confused.
This is going to be a great day for the confused among us.

"Are you 2 ok in there?"
"Sure, Dave. Donna and I are just discussing something."
"You've been in there quite a while."
"It's quite a long conversation."

Well nightmares do take a while.

"Donna, just take him and go. It'll be fine. It's just 1 problem!"

Yeah, 1 more to add to the list.
After my hit-list, I'm going to make a list of my problems.
Let's see how many of them can't be solved with the aid of savage, man-eating dog's.
Very few I expect.

Right, that's it.
I'm just gonna take him with me and dump him on someone I don't like for the day.
Or kick him out of the car.
Whichever comes first.

"Fine, but I hold you responsible if he's involved in an unfortunate 'accident' involving a blunt object and his shoelaces!"

Let's get this over with.

"Norman, are you ready to go?"
"Dave I'm telling you, Lennox Lewis won....."
"Norman?"
"Yeah?"
"Ready?"
"Sure. Bye everyone."

I give it 3 seconds before he starts talking about himself again.
3,2......

"So, Donna, did I finish telling you how about my second year in college?"
"No, unfortunately I had to leave halfway through."
"OK, get this. One night we all.........."

Kill me now.

 

 

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