Title: Blaming Sam (Part4/7)
Author: Sassy Susan
I hate Norman.
I hate Sam.
I hate Norman.
I hate Shelley.
I hate Norman.
I hate myself.
But mainly Norman.
I also hate the almighty bruising that appears to be forming in the center of my forehead,
which be in direct relation to my sitting here and banging it into the desk.
I'm going to stop doing that now.
Ok, once more.
One day I'm going to have a meeting with the president.
The President of the United States of America, leader of the free world, a man who has the
power to make anything happen.
In this meeting we are going to discuss having certain White House staffers electronically
tagged, namely senior staff assistants and Sam.
That way, we know where they are and who they're with at all times.
They might be a bit pissed off at the time and the extra weight might be a bit annoying,
but they'll learn to live with it.
Perhaps it should just be Donna.
No-one else seems to have these problems with their assistants.
CJ doesn't have to wonder where Carol is all the time and Toby doesn't do the same for
Ginger and Bonnie.
Sam doesn't have to worry that Cathy is out on a date with a homicidal maniac and Leo sure
as hell doesn't have to worry that Margaret is out sleeping with strangers.
Only me, I'm the only one in the entire West Wing.
But then of course their assistants do as they're told.
Their assistants bring coffee.
Their assistants probably don't do out and do stupid-ass things.
Things like Norman.
I'm blaming Sam for all this, it's his fault entirely.
If he hadn't told me about Donna's date I wouldn't have gotten so worked up.
Then I wouldn't have argued with her and she slept with him to spite me. (Yes that is my
reasoning for her sleeping with him, why else?)
Then I wouldn't have called this morning and spoken to Norman and........
Y'know what I'm going to shout at him now.
Let him know how much I blame him.
Ok, not in his office, where he should be.
Speeches for the president, who does need speeches.
A lot of them.
Considering where we work and what we do, we don't actually spend a lot of time working.
Oooh. Ladies and gentleman I give you the ice queen, right here in the White House.
Feel the chill everybody.
As it happens I might ask someone else, I could lose my eyelashes to frostbite.
"Among other things, Cathy"
"I can't believe they let work you work in this building."
"Cathy, go stick your head in the oven would ya? Thaw yourself out a bit before they
fire you for trying to kill us all with hypothermia."
Funny, I'm sure snakes do that exact same thing with their eyes, just before they take
the head of some unsuspecting bird.
Really gonna ask someone else now.
"I don't know."
"You don't know what I was gonna ask."
"Ok, you do."
"Yeah, don't know. Why don't you go ask the one-man wonder that is Toby Ziegler.
Look, there's our glorious leader now."
Not getting involved, I might lose several limbs.
"Toby have you seen....."
"He's not I looked."
"I saw him go in their Josh."
"He's not there!"
"Did you look under the desk?"
"Well there you go then! What is it with you people? If it doesn't jump up and hit
you, it's not there. Is it CJ?"
"Go to hell Toby!"
"Well, obviously you 2 have issues, so I'm going to go and leave you to.....kill each
other. On my way I'll give Leo a head's up on the bloodstains and put some music on so
no-one's distracted by the screams. Toby watch out for her shoes, CJ watch out."
"Watch out for what? Like I couldn't take Toby Ziegler!"
"Well let's go CJ! We'll see who kick whose ass!"
"Well, will just bear in mind that the walls only got repainted last week and people
will have to live with the mess for another 6 months before they're done again."
"Joshua, kneecaps? Want them intact?"
Animals, both of them.
After Donna's tagging I'm going to bring up the idea of having them caged and put in the
But seriously, I'm putting 20 bucks on CJ
Don't make it worse for yourself.
"Sam, you're under the desk."
"Sam, get out here."
"I didn't do anything."
"So why are you hiding?"
"I'm not, I like it under here!"
He looks guilty.
What's he done?
I'm sure everyone will be really thrilled if it's another hooker.
"Sam, do you have any idea what you've done? This is all your fault."
Wow. I've never seen that colour on anyones face before.
And his expression has gone from guilty to the ones deer wear, right before you hit them
with your car.
It's a good look for him.
Perhaps he could see a plastic surgeon to discuss getting it made a permanent feature.
"I uh......I..... what is my fault?"
"What do you think?"
"Right now Josh, it could be one of many things."
"The thing with me and Donna!"
So the wording there wasn't great, but what do you all want from me?
But the interesting thing is Sam has gone 10 shades whiter than a bag of flour.
It's no longer a good look.
Now he just looks ill.
"I never meant to tell her Josh, I swear! I thought I was talking to you!"
"Woah! Back up Spanky, what are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Telling me about Donna's date!"
"Because of you I've been worrying my sweet ass off! Especially when I found out she
had slept with him!"
"She went and slept with him anyway?
"What are you talking about? What did you tell her?"
"I can't believe she slept with him, that's really too bad Josh."
"SAM! What did you tell Donna?"
It's probably worth pointing out that Sam has actually been working his way round the
desk and is currently backing slowly toward the door.
5 seconds and he bolts.
"Josh, thing is.......uh......"
"Don't listen to me Josh, I'm high on coffee"
And now he's gone and frankly I don't have the time to chase him.
Although the fact that Sam just fallen over the mail trolley on his little run, has more
than compensated for it all.
I don't know whether he was trying to jump it or stop before he collided with it but the
result was all the same.
He's just ended up on the floor, mail trolley on it's side and his legs tangled up in it.
Plus everyone has gathered to laugh their asses off at him.
Just try for the visual.
This is so much better than the paper shredder incident.
And now he's gone again.
Now that's over, I'm going to go sit in my office and prepare my lecture for Donna.
I'm going to go into full 'Lyman rant mode' for this.
Usually I save it for those determied to screw us over and all Republicans, but this is a
Damn, she's early.
I don't have a speech.
And she has a friend.
OH my god!
She brought him here!
She actually brought the enemy into my office!
"Not now I have something to sort. Josh, Norman. Norman, Josh. Talk."
"Not now! Now be nice!"
Where's she gone?
What could be more than this?
An she left me with him!
Although, I have to say, I'm incredibly disappointed.
He's very good looking.
(You have no idea how hard it was for me to say that)
Where's the oversized glasses?
The bow tie?
The greasy hair?
Where's the geekiness in general?
None of it's there.
So, now I have totally lost all faith in television.
"So you're Donna's boss?
I so wanted to say 'So you're Donna's jerk?' but unfortunately I do have some
"Deputy Chief of Staff? Well, I'm not sure I could demean myself to being a
deputy, but if that's what you want."
I will kill this man.
and then I will go after Sam.