Title:Blaming Sam (5/7)
Author: Sassy Susan
Disclaimers and notes in part 1
Today, I will pull a Lionel Tribbey.
Today I will kill people with a cricket bat.
Except Tribbey didn't actually kill anyone and I don't have a cricket bat.
Although, I do have a rather heavy paperweight and, as I demonstrated to Sam last night, a
reasonably good arm.
Yeah, that's what i'll do.
Then from this day forward, throwing paperweights at people will become known as 'Pulling
a Donna Moss'.
Hundreds of years from now, when everyone's main choice of weapon is a paperweight, people
will tell the legend of Donnatella Moss.
The loyal and good assistant who went mad after a date with Norman and trying to get to
the bottom of a phonecall.
I've compiled my list already.
It's only a rough draft, but I doubt much of it will be changing.
It goes: Sam, Shelley, Norman, and Josh.
Although, I might not have to worry about Norman.
From the look on Josh's face, when I left, he might do it for me.
Thinking about it, I could probably get other people to do it all for me.
Once Josh has clobbered Norman, I'll double cross him and rope CJ into 'accidently on
purpose' crushing Josh behind his office door.
Then Bonnie, Cathy and Ginger can team up and scare Sam to death with their infamous
'women on the warpath' routine.
In the meantime I'll seduce Dave in to doing away with Shelley.
Then we'll hide all the bodies under Toby's desk and blame it all on Leo.
All the revenge without a lot of work, just the way a modern woman should live.
The sisterhood would approve.
You see what this is?
This is a breakdown, I'm finally cracking up.
I'm sure we all knew this day was coming, we just didn't know when.
I'm sure people were taking bet's on the exact date it would happen.
Probably the President.
When you start plotting how to get rid of 4 people you know, then it's time to seek
Perhaps I might be better after I've talked to Sam.
Either that or I'll be checking myself in to the nearest mental institute.
Of course I have to find him first.
He's not in his office and nobody has seen him since he ran from his office earlier.
According to everyone there's a funny story to tell me later.
So, this means there's only one place he would have gone.
One place he assumes nobody's gonna look.
The same place everyone he knows he hide in.
Which is why I'm now approaching Ainsley's door.
"Ainsley, can I come in?"
"Sure, what's up?"
As republicans go, she's one of the nicest.
She keeps us permanently out of food, but we don't mind.
We're considering making her a permanent member of the sisterhood.
"Nothing, I just wanted something from your cupboard."
Did he think that no-one would hear him say that?
Poor, Sam. Poor deluded Sam.
"Sam, get out here we need to talk."
"Couldn't we do that with me on one side of the door and you on the other?"
"Donna, you want to tell me what he's done?"
"You really want to know?"
"No. But tell me anyway."
"Sam can come out here and tell you himself."
I'm really losing my patience now.
"SAM, GET THE HELL OUT NOW!"
And he does.
It's actually quite unnerving when you see a man looking as scared as he does right now.
If this is how all men get when faced with an angry woman, how can they possibly claim to
be the stronger sex?
I don't care that Ainsley's here for this installment of the Sam and Donna show.
She can watch me rip his head off.
Then she can run off and tell the whole damn republican party that if they ever want to
screw with someone fromt this administration, they'll have to survive the wrath of Donna
"What did you mean Sam?"
"On the phone last night."
"I didn't know what I was saying last night."
"Will one of you tell me what's going on?"
"I was drunk last night."
"I thought I was calling Josh."
"I still don't know what's going on?"
"Donna, I didn't mean anything."
"Sam did you, or did you not, telll me that you had thought of another reason why
Josh was in love with me?"
OH GOD, IT'S TRUE!
I'm not going mad, Sam actually said it.
"Sam, Donna, I still don't know what's going on."
Bless her, she really doesn't.
I don't even know what's going on.
"Is it true?"
"I.....I can't...Josh is my best..."
"It is, isn't it?"
I've found you can usually read Sam like a book, just by the faces he wears.
Mostly it's like a Shakespeare, with intriguing twists and turn and complicated dialogue.
Fascinating characters and a gripping plot.
Right now it's an ABC picture book.
"Oh my God."
"It's not Donna. You're jumping to conclusions. I......"
"SAM! For the love of God, will you just, for once, look me in the eye and tell me
the damn truth!"
"ALRIGHT! IT'S THE TRUTH! YES, I HAVE REASONS! YES, I THINK JOSH IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!
YES, I CALLED YOU LAST NIGHT BUT I THOUGHT I WAS CALLING JOSH! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM
Well there was no need for that.
"I still don't know what's going on."
"Oh shove a bagel in your mouth and shut the hell up Ainsley. Do us all a favour and
go crawl back under the Republican rock you came from."
That was so out of line, I never expected that from Sam.
I think she's going to cry.
"Sam, let's talk outside. Ainsley, Sam is sorry and he's going to come back and
Isn't it funny?
The moment after you let the anger fireballs from hell loose, you're so much calmer.
It shows on Sam's face right now.
True, he shouldn't have lashed out at Ainsley.
But I think it did him the world of good, because he doen't look like a frightened rabbit
"Before you say it Donna, yes, I was out of line and I shouldn't have said
"i don't care Sam, that's between you 2. I want you to tell me about our little
"Don't play dumb Sam."
"I am dumb Donna most......"
"Yeah, yeah. Most of the time you're just playing smart."
"What do you wanna know?"
"What's going on? What did you mean?"
"I have a theory. I think Josh is in love with you, but he's in deep denial. Now, I
watch him and every time you go out on a date he tries to sabotage it."
"Like with extra phototcopying?"
"how do you think I knew where to find you last night?"
"Did you purposely tell him about my date so you could get his reaction?"
"No, believe me. Anyway I came up with a list of reasons why I think Josh is in love
"Reasons as in plural, right?"
"Right. So after you were gone we had an arguement and he didn't want to hear my
reasons, because apparently there are never any new ones. He told me to call when I
thought of a new one. So I did. Except, I'm stupid."
From that 'Awwwwww!' I now realise that Ainsley has been listening to this whole
conversation through her door.
Ainsley has been listening!
Ainsley, nice person, Republican.
Me, Sam, Josh and probably everyone else in this building, nice people, Democrats,
because wouldn't it just be fantastic if the Republican party were to find out the Josh
Lyman might be in love with his assistant?
Sam's thinking the same thing.
Like a book, remember?
"Donna, let's move away from Ainsley's door."
"Yeah, good idea. So why were you down her anyway?"
"Cos Josh was mad at me too. I told him about your date, he was worried when you were
late and when he phoned and Norman answered he got upset because you slept with him. Of
course that is, apparently, my fault too......."
"I slept with Norman?"
"Well didn't you?"
"Well, tell it to Josh."
I will Sam.
Believe me, I will.
"Well done Sam, you are no longer officially on my list."
"If you're allowed a list, so am I."
"I'll see you later Sam. Thankyou."
I need to sit down.
I need a drink.
I need to process this information.
I'm not going to get all problem page analytical and start screaming 'What does it mean?
What does it mean?".
I'm just gonna.......
I don't know.
So, Sam thinks Josh is in love with me, but won't admit it to himself or anyone else.
I repeat: thinks.
I'm gonna tell you all 5 words, one last time.
He could be wrong.
But then, he could be right
I need to talk to josh.
But what do I say to him?
'Excuse me Josh, are you in love with me?'
It's not something you say to your boss.
It's not something you say to Josh Lyman.
There's shouting coming from Josh's office right now.
Perhaps he's in the midst of wrapping his chair round Normans head.
Please let it be so.
Cos right now, I've got a boss who may have feelings for me, the date from hell arguing
with said boss, a Republican who might be spilling all to her party, a slighty confused
and neurotic Sam, a headache and overwhelming sense of panic.
Please god, take one of those factors out of my life and make it more bearable.
Make it the most annoying one, make it Norman.
It's fine. Just knock at the door, go in, get Norman out and talk to Josh.
"Norman you're wrong! You put the peanut butter on one side and the jelly on the
"I don't think so, you need to put it all ont he same slice...."
"No! That makes it too difficult to spread......"
And now they're looking at me like I'm the freak.
They're having a heated arguement about the right way to construct a peanut-butter and
jelly sandwich and apparently, I'm the freak.
"Norman, I need to speak to Josh a moment. but there is somone interested in
"It's Sam Seaborne."
"Where do I go?"
"His office is just out there. Got his name on the door. If he's not there just go in
and wait, OK?"
Well that was easy.
This won't be.
"Josh, we need to talk."