Title: Blaming Sam (Part 6/7)
Author: Sassy Susan
Notes and disclaimers in part 1
________________________________________________________________

Let's have a show of hands.
Who would miss Norman?
Is anyone going to be hugely disappointed if he suddenly vanishes from the face of the earth?
Are you gonna care?

It probably wouldn't even be a thing.
Everyone who met him would just say it was a shame.
Even CJ would probably just roll her eyes, call me an idiot and then go shout at a guy who actually deserved it.
I might even get a gift basket for my trouble.

If I play the whole thing right I may not even have to kill Norman myself.
I'll take him round and introduce him to everybody.
10 minutes later we've got ourselves a lynch mob.
Then I'll introduce him to Lionel Tribbey as the Republican, who's taking his job.
Then they'll march throught the streets of D.C with crow bars, lanterns and Tribbey upfront swinging his cricket bat.

If I'm really clever I could probably get everyone else to bump off the rest of my hit list too.
Oh yes.
Josh Lyman has a hit list.
I deserve one.
God knows I'm probably on enough of them.

So, when the crowd have finished off Norman, then we'll send all the assistants after Sam so that they may bludgeon him with their shoes.
I'm also pretty sure that it could be arranged for Shelley to sit in on one of the President's National Park lectures.
1 hour in she'll throw herself out of the window.
Then we'll hide the bodies under Leo's desk and blame it on Toby.

".......so there we were all lying in the gutter, throwing up!"

What?
Oh yeah.
Mr Wonderful has joined us today.
The joys of Norman's college days.
Told in their full, vomit-filled detail.

If I wasn't wearing this suit, I'd kill him with my bear hands,
but I like this suit.
Donna likes this suit.
It's got the shirt that, according to Donna, all the girls think I look hot in.
I'm hoping that means Donna thinks so too.
Although if you talk to Toby, he'll tell you she only said that to make me put the shirt on.
I don't think that's true.

".....And that, Josh, is how I got my 780 verbal SAT score."

Oh, yes, he's still here.
Where would we.........
Wait.
Excuse me?

"Sorry, what was that? What score on your verbal?
"780"

Bastard!
780!
How is that possible?

"What did you get?"

785, 785, 785, 785, 785, 785, 785, 785, 785, 785,

"760."

Damn!
Yeah, great time for my homest streak to shine through.
I'm an idiot.
I hate him.
Not only does he get my Donna, he gets the higher verbal score.
How much longer is he going to keep stealing my stuff?

"Well, that's very nice."
"Don't worry josh, 760 is good too."

I just noticed I'm holding on to the chair in such a death grip, my whole hands are going white.

"I know, that's how I got this job."
"It's ok, if you like that sort of thing."
"I'm helping to control the country, what's not to like."
"Meetings, paperwork, lying politicians, truthful politicians, that sort of stuff. Not to mention the long hours, but I guess that's ok for someone like you."
"Someone like me?"
"Yeah, someone with no life who can devote their time to the job."

Calm, stay very calm.
Breathe.
Hitting a member of the public in your office?
Not good.
Don't give Leo an excuse.

"What makes you think I don't have a life?"
"Donna said so."

And Donna makes my list.
But actually quite far down and perhaps not on the official list.
I don't really want to kill her.

"I've got a nice office."
"I've seen better."

Now I see why the women are queuing up for him.
This is why Donna wants him.

"I'm close to the President."

The President.
The same man who, if plied with enough alcohol, would happily sign an order to have you deported to Austrailia, or further.
He'd probably do it without the alcohol.

"I've got looks."

Message to all the arrogant people: Bow down, your king has arrived.

"The IRS works for me."

Remember them Norman?
Seen them lately?

"I have a Porsche."

That's right.
Flash the car around.
You think that makes you better than me?
That.....that........
I want a Porsche.

"I have an assistant."
"I'm dating your assistant."

AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Wow, I hope that was in my head, cos otherwise I look like the idiot I am.

Twist the knife in a little bit more.
Go deeper.
I don't think you ripped enough vital organs the first time.

"I make the best peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches."

I don't know where that came from.
But it's true.
They gave me an award for it in college.
I should put that on my resume.

"Really? How do you do it?"
"The ususal way."
"Which is?"
"2 slices of bread. Peanut-butter on 1, jelly on the other."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I hope he didn't see me almost fall out of my chair then.
Because there would go there my masculinity.
Or what's left of it.
Most of it was pretty much shot to hell when Donna told half of America about my sensitive system.

"No wonder you're only a deputy, Josh."

So this is what's been holding mr back for years.
I can't make sandwiches properly.

"So how do you do it?"
"Put them both on the same slice."
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
"Yes, you do."
"Norman you're wrong! You put the peanut butter on one side and the jelly on the other!"
"I don't think so, you need to put it all ont he same slice...."
"No! That makes it too difficult to spread......"
"HEY!"

That's Donna.
And she's looking at us like we're freaks
We're having a heated arguement about the right way to construct a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, so I guess we are.

"Norman, I need to speak to Josh a moment. But there is somone interested in meeting you."
"Of course."

Git.

"It's Sam Seaborne."
"Where do I go?"
"His office is just out there. Got his name on the door. If he's not there just go in and wait, OK?"
"OK."

She looks just like Sam did.
This face is going to be an epidemic.

"Josh, we need to talk."

Well that can't be good.

 

 

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