Title: CJ's Idiot Parade
Author: Sassy Susan
Rating: PG-13 for a little bit of swearing
Summary: CJ tries to sort out a problem
Feedback: Would be great.
Spoilers: Some little ones, but to be sure let's say minor ones for both seasons 1&2
Archive: If you want to give it a home, you may do so. But tell me where.
Disclaimers: No characters that you may have seen on your TV screen are mine, they
belong to Aaron Sorkin and co. I'm not making money from this, just having a little fun.
Please don't sue me because there is no money, just pocket fluff and thousands of pounds
of unpaid library debt in the form of overdue book fines, plus I have a bad lawyer.
Notes: This story has been written for CJ's POV, I've never written as her before so
please bear that in mind.
This is the Sequel to ' 2:31' and the 4th and last installment of this particular series.
The stories are: Norman, 20 Minutes and Knocking Out Sam's Teeth
CJ's Idiot Parade
There's no title for the series yet, so suggestions are welcome.
Thanks to Abby, without whom none of this would be readable and to everyone who sends
inspiring feedback and those who have contributed to these fics in any way.
Once again this fic is dedicated to all you guys in the group for all your generosity and
for reading my stories.
Ok, you begged for it and I think I've tortured you enough. Here's the last part.
When I joined the campaign I made a promise to myself.
I promised I would quit the very moment someone from this building went mad.
See, that's a sign.
When that happens you know it's not long before everybody else, yourself included,
It would seem I was looking out the window when we passed that sign.
Yep, we've all lost it entirely.
Although how I will explain that to the press, I do not know.
Although, I suspect would go a long way as to explaining some of the things that go on
Things that 'normal' people, which is our term for those who don't work at the White
House, wouldn't ever be able to comprehend.
They say you have to have several screws loose to want to work here and yes, I think it's
safe to assume that we all do.
So because of that, things 'happen' in the West Wing.
Things like yesterday, which resulted in me recieving large bruises, a headache and a
rather long and confusing story.
All I can figure out is Donna had a date, Josh was upset and they had an arguement and
ended up kissing in his office.
Although nobody needed to be told that very last part, everyone outside his office
yesterday pretty much figured that out.
Then Josh ran off to the Hill all day and everyone was too uncomfortable to go near him
when he did come back.
The same for Donna, except no-one seems to know where Donna hid all day.
However I'm willing to bet that it was in Ainsley's office, since that's where everyone
else goes to hide.
Yeah, nobody likes the blonde, Republican girl till they need to sit in her cupboard for a
We are, as I believe several people have said, idiots.
Which is why we're about to have the latest idiot parade.
It's becoming a regular occurance now.
We could get it made into an official thing.
Yeah, every 6 months or so we get everyone who screwed up, dress them up in bright
costumes, throw in a marching band and parade them throught he streets of Washington D.C.
We'll call it 'CJ's Idiot Parade', but that will have to be mentioned to the President at
a later date. Right now we're going to have a minnature version in my office.
"CJ, do I have to be here fo this?"
"Because you Sam, are one of the key players. If we're gonna do this parade, I want
all members present."
Oh yeah, that was in my head.
"Sam, shut-up and keep looking for Donna."
I know for a fact that Donna is always here before Josh.
I know that, we all know that, even Josh know that.
Which is why he spent a great deal of time worrying when she wasn't here yesterday
When he's not being a total jackass, Joshua Lyman can be incredibly sweet.
Toby Ziegler, however, is not, but that is a different story and best saved for another
"CJ, she's here. Can I go?"
"NO! Wait here."
I suspect that Sam has had quite a major role to play in screwing everything up, that's
why he's desparate to leave.
Like that's going to happen.
I love it when the sound of my voice stops them in their tracks.
It's particulary amusing when it's a man.
They sort of stop and jump about 10ft in the air at the same time.
"CJ, what can I do for you?"
"You can get in my office for a start."
"Well.....I.....have to.....Josh in soon."
"Carol, let me know the second Joshua Lyman get's into the building."
I love being in control.
"Sam, what are you doing?"
Sam, being Sam, has actually managed to open my window and is currently trying to climb
Not a good idea as he obviously realizes.
"Sam sit your ass on a chair."
"Yes CJ. Hi Donna."
"Don't talk to me."
We might need to get the President in to referee.
"I thought we were ok?"
"I changed my mind."
"Which one of you would like to explain to me what the hell is going on? Sam
Now I'm getting the silent treatment. What are we 10 years old?
"Any answer will do ladies."
"In case you hadn't noticed CJ, I'm male."
"That's what we call a matter of opinion, Sam."
I will get violent if I have to.
Just a warning to you all.
"Ok, let's try again. Is it something Josh has done?"
"I'll take that as a yes. Is it anything to do with the arguement you 2 were
"That's another yes then. Sam does it have anything to do with you running from
your office and falling over the mail cart?"
"You fell over a mail cart?"
"I didn't.......I.......oh shut up!"
"How did you not see it?"
"I was trying to jump it!"
"And by all acounts, Donna, he failed spectaculary."
"What were you doing jumping it?"
"I was running from you irate boyfriend!"
"Norman is not my boyfriend!"
"I meant Josh!"
"Josh and Donna are going out?"
"Ok I'm confused. So, does it have anything to do with that creepy guy you brought
And we're back to silence.
Sometimes, I swear, I get more conversation from my computer.
Sure, it usually only 'You have mail', but thats more interaction than I get from most
people round here.
"CJ, Josh is here."
Now we're going to get somewhere.
"JOSHUA LYMAN GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!"
Stopped right there in the corridor, as has everyone else.
He looks like hell.
"Get in my office now!"
I'm also making a mental note of all the staffers humming the funeral march and saying
'Good luck Josh, it's been nice knowing you.'
So now we've got our lucky 3.
Bring on the marching band.
"So, does anyone have something they would like to share?"
"Is this group therapy all of a sudden? Cos, I gotta tell you, I don't think Leo will
like us doing this in working hours."
"At lunch maybe."
"I just want to know what's going on!"
"It's not going to be a thing CJ."
"I don't care!"
"CJ, it's nothing."
"Oh so it was nothing, was it Josh?"
When you meet Donna, you'd think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
Then you piss her off.
"That kiss meant nothing to you?"
"You guys kissed?"
I have no idea why Sam is feigning stupidity, he knows they kissed.
"Sam, you knew that. It was you that pointed it out to the rest of the West
"Hey! I did not.......yeah, ok, I knew that. I was just gonna try dig myself out of a
The room temperature just dropped about 25 degrees, must be the icy glares we're giving
"And apparently I just dropped another 50ft and have now fallen into the
"Shut up now Sam."
"Thank you, now do you 2 want to say something?"
And nothing, again.
"Ok Sam, tell us what you know."
"I thought I was going to shut up."
"You got 5 minutes."
"Ok Josh, Donna, love you both but gotta tell her. OK, I found out about Donna's date
with that Norman guy and told Josh, although I didn't know I wasn't meant to.
"You're an idiot right?"
" I'm an idiot, so anyway Josh got all weird, like he normally does."
"Yeah, I know."
"I do not get weird!"
"Yes you do!"
"CJ, I resent that."
"Shut up Josh!"
"So, anyway, Josh got weirder and weirder and because he's Josh he wouldn't let me
give him my list of reasons why he loves Donna........"
"I heard them all before!"
"That's what I keep asking CJ."
I hate where this is going, I really do.
"Does anyone want me to finish this?"
"Well, that night, I did think of a new reason and I phoned Josh to tell him. Only I
accidentally didn't call Josh."
"You're an idiot?"
"I'm an idiot, and I ended up calling and telling Donna."
This is like something from a sitcom.
"Well the next morning Donna didn't come in and Josh freaked out and jumped to the
conclusion that something must have happened. Then when she brought Norman in he thought
that she slept with Norman. I kind of, might have told Donna he thought that, then she got
mad and I think we all know the rest."
Well I think we've officially moved from sitcom to trashy soap opera.
My life is like a soap opera.
I always wanted to say that.
"I can't believe it meant nothing to you."
"Donna, are you still on that?"
Oh god, here we go.
This is what we call the 'Josh and Donna Parade'.
Twice in 2 days, this is a record even for them.
"What it didn't even mean, like a friend thingy to you?"
"I'd answer that if I knew what the hell you were talking about."
"Donna what do you want from me?"
"I know what I want from all of you."
"SHUT UP CJ!"
That's actually freaky, I just got told to shut-up in stereo.
"Josh, will you just tell me....."
"Tell you what Donna? That I hate the thought of you being with Norman? That I hate
the thought of you being with any guy that isn't me? That I feel insanely jealous when any
guy looks at you? Do you want me to tell you that I'm in love with you? And that I hate
that can't do anything about it because, not only does it look bad for the administration,
but you don't love me? There, I said it, I love you Donna! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM
Oh holy hell, what was that?
"Wow. I'm pretty sure I never meant to say all of that out loud."
Well, I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that is not good.
"May I have permission to speak?"
"This is my office Sam, not the army."
"Get on with it."
"Well first of all I'd like to take delight in saying, Josh I was right. Secondly, do
you wanna know what that other reason was Josh?"
"Yes you do. Josh, my other reason is.....is......it's just that....."
"Get on with it Sam."
"She's in love with you too, Josh."
Oh, this is going to be a thing.
I hate this place.
And she's outta here.
Josh, however, isn't.
He looks like he's been kicked in the stomach.
Oh I can't believe I'm gonna say this.
"Josh, did you mean that?"
"Then why the hell are you still standing here like the idiot you are?"
I don't think I've ever seen someone leave a room so fast in my life.
"How do I explain this to the press Sam?"
"You'll find a way."
"No, I quit now."
"You always say that."
That's very true Sam.
"I mean it this time."
"CJ, you always mean it."
"This time I'm serious. I quit."
"Everyone in the West Wing says that at least once a day. And yet they never do. This
place is like a drug."
"I always said I'd quit the moment somone went mad."
"That moment passed the first week we were here."
Ok is that cheering?
Is that applause?
What the hell is going on?
"CJ, you need to come see this."
Well it would be, wouldn't it?
Josh and Donna are standing in the middle of the bullpen in, quite possibly, the most
passionate kiss I've ever seen.
God help us if Danny's wandering round right now.
God help us if the President and Leo should be wandering down the hall towards us.
Which they are.
"CJ, what the hell is going on? Josh? Donna? What the hell is...."
Yeah, we're nuts.
Every damn one of us.
But in a good way.