Title: Norman, 20 Minutes and Knocking Out Sam's Teeth
Author: Sassy Susan
Rating: PG-13 For some swearing, nothing to bad though
Summary: Donna has a date, Josh is mad and Sam is going to lose his teeth.
Spoilers: Perhaps some little ones for 'The Portland Trip' and some very vague ones for
Disclaimer: Norman, Shelly and Chris are mine. Donna, Josh, Sam and company are not and
never will be. Not even if I say please.
Archive: See it, read it, want it, take it. But tell me where please.
Feedback: would love some. Be as brutal as you like, I can take criticism.
Notes: My first fic. Yay!
And thankyou to Abby for being the Beta-reader for this fic
Is there some kind of law stating that all electronic equipment must automatically slow
down when you're in a hurry?
Seriously, is there some kind of actual, universal law?
Probably falls under the same category as getting caught in a monsoon in July when you
don't have your coat or getting all the way to work before you remember that you've left
the oven on.
There must be.
Otherwise why would the copy machine suddenly decide to do one word per minute the
night I have to be out of the building in 20 minutes?
I don't suppose it understands that I have an 'appointment' to keep.
'Appointment' aka date to you, me and a very select few.
'Appointment aka appointment to Josh and everyone else in the white house.
Yes, I Donnatella Moss am going on a date.
And they say you can't have at least half a life outside this building.
Admittedly, it's a blind-date as set-up by my room-mate but it's a date and at least one
Friday night away from the all seeing, all knowing egomaniac that is Joshua Lyman.
His name is Norman, which does sort of put me off a bit.
All the Normans I've ever met have been a little on the strange side.
In tenth grade there were two Normans, who both harbored a Star Trek obsession, to the
point that they thought that they were actually in the show.
Then in college a guy called Norman took to stalking me for about three months. Until I
got together with Chris (Dr. Freeride) who then proceeded to to break his jaw a couple of
times and left the poor man eating through a straw for the next six months. However, on
the up side, Norman never bothered me again.
According to Shelly everything else outweighs this guy's name by miles.
According to Shelly he's 'completely normal'.
In the world according to Shelly counting out the beans in a tin to make sure there's
an even number is 'normal'.
But she thinks he could be perfect for me.
She thinks he could be my 'one'.
Perhaps he could be.
He could be the one who makes me forget that Josh and my feelings for him ever existed.
Maybe if it all works out I could get him to legally change his name.
He could be a Tom or Stuart or Josh or.....what?
NO! Not Josh!
Bad Donna. Getting over it, remember?
Ok, 18 minutes to go.
What is taking so bloody long?
It's Sam. And he's wearing the full 'Seaborne Smile'. Perfect teeth and all.
He should not be giving me that smile right now.
I'm in a hurry, the time till I have to go meet my future love is ticking away.
I'm frustrated and my patience for this bloody machine is wearing thin. I'm seconds away
from losing it in front of him and attacking the copier with my shoes.
This is not the time to be giving me that smile.
Sure, Sam's great and I love him to bits, but there really are times when I want to
knock those teeth right out of his pretty little skull and ram them down his throat.
Now is one of those times.
Perhaps if I'm nice to one of those secret service guys I could have that arranged.
Yeah, definitely gonna look into that.
"What do you want Sam?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to see how you were."
"And you followed me all the way down to the copy room for that?"
Whatever you say Sam.
"By the way, don't you have a hot date with Norman?"
What?! How in the hell can he know that!
I've gone to really great lengths to keep this as quiet as possible. We're talking
begging, bribery and blackmail here, people.
Until five seconds ago I was really proud of myself.
I had managed to keep pretty much the entire white house staff (with exceptions) in the
dark for well over a week.
In the west wing that is a very long time, it is the gossip central of the building.
Trying to keep a secret there is like trying to keep a bull from demolishing a china shop.
It's nothing personal, I just don't want another lecture and barrage of insults form
Josh on my choice of men. That's all.
"I want to keep one detail of my personal life to myself, just once and can I? No.
So who spilled it Sam?"
Well, we both know that's not true.
"Well, no-one really told me. I just heard Bonnie and Ginger talking about it
Note to self: Remember to beat Bonnie and Ginger round the head repeatedly with thick
files until they have learnt the art of being discreet.
Even though they wouldn't have known if I hadn't put my foot in it yesterday.
"Anyway, Cathy could've told me. She tells me lots of stuff."
No Sam. She really doesn't.
"No Sam. Firstly she was among the large number who didn't know. Secondly she
would've never volunteered that information to you anyway. and lastly even if you had
suspected she knew something you wouldn't have asked her because you are scared of
"I AM NOT!"
I'm pretty sure Sam was trying to sound indignant then. Unfortunately the fact that his
voice went about 3 octaves too high made him sound like a girl.
"No, you're right. You're terrified."
"Donna....it's just......she....I'm not....I.........oh shut up!"
And we're back in the playground.
Finally, the copier's done.
I have 13 minutes left.
I think Sam can be gentleman and carry the rather large stack of paper back for me.
And being a good little boy, he does. Bless him.
"So what's wrong with me knowing about your date?"
"I don't mind you knowing, or anyone else for that matter. I just don't want Josh to
know because he always picks.............."
A thought has just struck me and I think I've stopped walking because Sam has stopped
One look at the guilt on Sam's face says it all.
"You've already told him haven't you?"
Suddenly the guilty look drains away. He now looks kind of sheepish, if that's anyway
to put it.
"Was I not supposed to?"
Wow. That came out a lot louder than I thought it would.
"What were you thinking? You know how he gets! Now I have to go listen to his endless
stream of snide remarks about my dates while he makes me feel guilty about leaving him to
cope on his own! I just wanted 1 night Sam! And Norman? He's going to have a field day
with this one!"
I do realize that I am actually shouting really loudly at this point. Considering we're
now just outside the bullpen Josh can probably hear me from his office, in fact they can
probably hear me on Capitol Hill. Hell, I'll be surprised if the White house isn't
suddenly inundated with calls from the public asking if we'll all keep the damn noise
That's it. I'm now more than ready to go find that secret service man. Sam Seaborne is
going to choke on his teeth. Perhaps CJ will be willing to help.
"You're going to tell Cathy about his aren't you? You're gonna let her punish
"Actually it was going to be CJ, But Cathy's big on punishment too."
"Please don't Donna. She'll hide pins in my lunch for weeks."
The look of fear in his eyes as he says that is wonderful.
"She will not. Don't be a drama queen Sam."
"She will! Once when I upset Ginger, she stirred tippex into my coffee for a
Wow. I never thought Cathy would actually do something like that.
But I have no sympathy for him right now.
"Well that's too bad Sam."
I snatch the stack of paper from his arms and walk through the rest of the bullpen
towards Josh's office.
I do not give a rats ass what he says or does tonight. There is no way on Earth that he
is going to upset me, guilt-trip me or make me come back tonight.
I am gonna lay down the law.
So now I'm at his door.
Well, this is going to be fun.
I mean really, Norman?
Yeah, because that has a future.
Ok, let me state for the record that I have nothing against the name. It's just that
all the Norman's I've ever met have been unbelieveably weird in one way or another.
Plus it makes me cringe for them. Usually thats' what they call geeks on TV shows, y'know
the one's with the oversized glasses, greasy hair and bow ties.
And now my assistant, my Donna is on a date with one.
She'll be sorry, she always is.
But what if he's not like that?
What if he's sucessful, good looking and charming?
What if she falls in love with him?
What if she marries him?
She'll go off and have a family, she'll leave me!
Then I'll get fired and she's gonna callously send me photo's of her kids and........
OK! BREATH LYMAN!
In and out. Deep cleansing breaths. In and out.
Relax, she's not going to leave you.
Is at all possible that this Norman guy is more successful, charming and good looking than
No. So she won't be leaving you for him will she?
I could've killed Sam when he told me.
They say don't shoot the messenger, but to hell with that. I could've bloody strangled
Plus he was wearing the full 'Seaborne Smile'.
I can't believe he was wearing that smile.
When he's telling me that my Donna is going out on a date with a creep there is no way he
should be giving me that smile.
Don't get me wrong, Sam is my best friend and although he can be bumbling idiot
sometimes, I do love him. In a purely hetrosexual and brotherly way of course, although I
do want it noted that I have nothing against those who choose to swing that particular
way. After all..........
Yeah, I'm gonna stop rambling now and get to the point.
As I was saying I love him, but there are moments when I just want to smash those teeth
out of his head and make him choke on them.
That was one of those moments.
Maybe if I'm nice to a secret service guy that's always hanging around that could get
sorted, I think I should get Toby in on this one too.
So Donna is going to meet her new friend in a few minutes and there's really nothing I
can do about it.
It's not like I can make her stay, i mean........
I could make her stay.
I'm her boss, I could make her stay and work.
When you're the Deputy Chief of Staff around here, you have that sort of power over
Not usually over Donna, but over people.
Ok, so maybe forcing her to stay is out of the window.
I'd whine until she took pity on me and stayed, but this is Donna and she'd probably
tell me to deal with it
Hey! I could pretend to be drunk.
Although, Donna's gonna have trouble seeing how that happened in the last 25 minutes, when
the nearest thing to alcohol is the surgical spirit she keeps in case I do something
'Josh-like' and she knows I'm not stupid enough to drink that.
There is also no way she'll believe I'm hammered on coffee.
I suppose I could injure myself.
She's not going to leave me injured, possibly from something like a gaping head wound of
some kind, she's not that sadistic.
I'm pretty confident that if I smack my head against the filing cabinet enough times I
could leave a fairly big gash.
And there's also the added bonus of some sympathy from the rest of the staff, I might even
get a couple of days off.
It'll be worth all the pain.
Now which edge is the sharpest........
Oh thank God I hadn't actually started to beat the crap out of myself just then.
That might have looked a bit stupid.
"Is it ok if I go now?"
Say something Lyman. Make her stay here.
Theres a crisis, we need to work on a thing.
I got drunk on the glue on the envelopes.
I HAVE INTERNAL BLEEDING DONNA, TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!
Yeah, she's gonna want to stay now.
"Yes Josh, now."
"Because then I will be on time."
"There's work to do Donna. This is the White House and we're running a country here.
America is not a 9 to 5 tourist attraction."
"I finished Josh."
Yeah, I know.
Apparently photocopying does not buy me a lot of time .
"So you're going to just let me roam round the White House unsupervised?'
"If you get too loud I'm sure Mrs. Bartlet will be happy to sedate you."
"What if I go mad from the stress Donna? What if I go mad and try and kill the
president with my pen? They might fire me for that.'
"I have every confidence in Secret Service. I'm sure they can handle you Joshua.'
"Oh, so not only that but you're willing to let me die?"
"For attacking the President? Yes."
"Stop whining Joshua. Anyway, they probably won't kill you, just shoot you in the
"Yeah, well I could have CJ do that on request."
"Do you even have a point?"
"I thought I did."
"That's lovely. Can I go now?"
"Sure, you don't want to keep Norman waiting."
I'm gonna take the fact that she just flinched as a sign.
I don't know what of, but a sign all the same.
"Don't start with me now Joshua."
"Ok, but remind me, which dwarf is he?"
"I'm leaving now."
"Why? I never said you could go."
"Sue me. There is no way you're going to stop me tonight Josh.'
"I still never gave you permission to leave.'
"Yes you did. You said 'sure'"
"Sure can mean anything! It's not even an anagram of 'Yes Donna you can go'!"
"You said I could go. Goodnight."
She just left.
Donnatella Moss just walked out on me, Joshua Lyman. Her boss.
Oh, I hope he's worth it.
But at the same time I really don't.
Go away Sam, if you want your teeth intact, go away.
"I just passed Donna her way out, y'know for her hot date."
I hate the way he emphasised the words 'hot' and 'date'.
The smile is back again.
Is he looking for smack in the face?
"Yeah, But she threw a paperweight at my head. I think she's mad at me?"
"You think that just because she took aim at you with a heavy object? What kind of
world do you live in?"
I sincerely hope that my voice was dripping with enough sarcasm to knock over animals
and small children when I made that last comment, otherwise I just sounded stupid.
"So, did you come here for an actual reason or has Toby threatened to thread the end
of your tie into the shredder again?"
Oh I remember that day. He was caught in the paper shredder for well over an hour with
pretty much everyone in the West Wing laughing at him. Then Leo came out, yelled, a lot,
and made Toby cut him out.
"Actually I'm here to see if you're ok."
"And I wouldn't be because?"
"Donna's on a date."
Here we go again.
I don't think I can sit and have this conversation again.
"Sam, I swear, if this turns into another 'Josh you're in love with Donna'
conversation I will drop-kick your pretty-boy ass out of that window."
"All I'm saying is...."
"SAM! I know what you're saying, but I don't want to hear it!"
"You're getting agitated again. Just like last time."
"What last time?"
"Last time Donna went on a date."
Stuff the Secret Service! I'm gonna rip those teeth out myself!
"Don't do this tonight Sam."
"Just look at it from my point of view."
"If only I could get my head that far up my own ass!"
Wow. Even for me, that might have been taking it a bit too far.
I don't like this long pause, it makes fear that Sam might attack me.
"I'm gonna put that last remark down to the fact that you're seething with
jealousy right now."
"I AM NOT JEALOUS!"
"Shall we stop and look at the subtext for a moment?"
"I think we should."
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! And once again: NO!"
"Josh, that is not good for your blood pressure."
"Then stop talking about it!"
"THEN STOP DENYING IT!"
For Sam, that was incredibly loud. He doesn't usually raise his voice like that.
"Josh, face it, you love Donna."
"No, I don't think so."
"You do, and you've said so!"
I think I squealed that last part, but I can't be sure.
"You said and I quote, 'I don't like it and usually do everything in my
CAPABILITIES to sabotage it'."
Did anyone else hear in that SENTENCE, the words 'I love Donna Moss'?
Neither did I.
"Sam, nowhere in that quote did I say that I love Donna."
"You implied it!"
"I've been watching you a long time, I know that you love her and I have reasons why.
I can give you a list of reasons."
Yes, I know he can.
Because he has done, 10 or 15 times.
Because this is what Sam does.
He comes to my office every time Donna goes on a date, rambles on a bout subtext and then
launches into a list of totally implausible reasons why I am apparently in love with my
For a pretty intelligent guy, who would you believe went to Princeton, Sam can talk
And yet we let him write for us.
I'm pretty sure this is what the President means when he talks about a 'CIVILIZATION gone
to hell in a handcart'.
"You're not gonna list the reasons are you? Not now, do it when I'm an old man on
"No Sam, you tell me them on a regular basis and there's never any new ones."
"There's gonna be new ones!"
"Yeah, call me when there is."
"Ok, I will. See ya."
He's going to go back to his office and bloody sulk now.
I'll BUY him a beer to apologise or something.
"You weren't meant to tell me, were you?"
"About Donna's date?"
"Cathy's gonna retaliate."
"Tell me about it."
"Tippex in the coffee?"
"Pins in the lunch."
Sam's wrong, very, very, very wrong.
I love Donna?
This is from the only guy who could manage to 'accidently' sleep with a bloody prostitute.
I do not love her.
I'm just very concerned about her safety and wellbeing.
This is a blind date, for we know the guy could have Hannibal Lecter as his idol.
Anyone she goes out with could be a serial killer who chops women up and put's them in a
This is why I sabotage Donna's dates.
It's for her own good.
Except this time I failed.
And now she's on a date with a guy called Norman.
Just bloody great.
I'm just gonna try and kill myself with this stapler now.
I should've said no.
I should've been totally honest and said that he wasn't my type and that i really didn't
want to see him again.
But no, I nodded.
He asked if he could call me and I nodded.
I was fighting the urge to throw myself on the floor and beg him not to, yet I still gave
him my 'Sure, that would be great nod!'.
A head bob followed by 2 short nods and a smile.
All because I wanted to be polite, SCREW being polite Donna, now he's going to call and
you have to spend the next two weeks avoiding the phone.
WHY DID I DO THAT?
Tonight sucked, which is actually a polite understatement, like saying elephants are
only a little bit heavy.
Shelley was right, he's nothing like any of the Normans I've met before.
He is so much worse.
He's loud, borish, self-obsessed, obnoxious and egotistical, I do not believe there was a
single moment when I didn't when I didn't want to go for him with my butter knife.
Josh has nothing on this one.
If it wasn't about him it wasn't important, God forbid I should talk about me.
I hate to think how many showers it's gonna take to get this date off me.
The best part of the evening was the cab ride home and that was only because Norman was
nowhere within my vicinity.
I need a drink, since my 4 whiskey sours have yet to kick and frankly I need to forget
tonight within the next 5 minutes.
Ok, what's in the 'Special and Sacred Cupboard of Alcoholic Goodness'.
And let me say that is what Shelley named it and not me.
No, shouldn't mix those 2.
No, Because we don't have any.
Ok, just for a split second there I thought someone's car alarm was going off actually
inside my apartment.
But I think it might actually be the phone.
Which does make more sense because how was someone going to get a car up all the tairs and
Ok It's actually still ringing.
I should ANSWER that.
"Josh, it's Sam I just....... Donna?"
"What are you doing at Josh's?"
"Then how come you're........oh."
"Sorry, I hit the wrong speed dial button. I meant to call Josh."
"I thought so."
"Ok, see you tommorow. Bye."
Sam hit the wrong speed-dial button.
I'm on Sam's speed-dial?
Well that's sort of sweet.
That doesn't make me want to forgive him, But it 's sweet
He's not on mine, perhaps he should be.
So. Alcohol. Want some.
Maybe, I could............
Ok, I didn't even get out of the living room and the phone's ringing again.
It's almost midnight, it can't wait?
If this is Josh it'd better be a national crisis that cannot possibly wait until work, not
because he's checking up on me.
If it's the latter he's gonna have to deal with pissed off woman tommorow.
"Hey Josh it's Sam. Look don't interrupt ok? But you said to call if I thought of
another reason. Well I have, I thought of another reason why you are in love with
Ok, mouth dry, heart stopped.
"I know you don't wanna hear it Josh, but......"
Silence. Not good.
Sam needs to say something, anything.
Sam's not saying anything.
Although that may be because he's probably having the same sort of embolism as me.
"I pushed the wrong button again, didn't I?"
"Sam, what did you mean? What reason's? What love?"
"Yeah.....Donna.........yeah......I'm gonna go now!"
He hung up!
He hung up! Sam hung up!
SAMUEL SEABORN said that, then hung up and now...........now I'm shouting at the dial
I should stop doing that.
Yeah I DEFINITELY want that drink now.