Author: Venus

Genre: humor/cast

Rating: PG

Summary: Inspired by a conversation overheard in the cafeteria, this is part 2 of "Things you never know about Sam Seaborn"

Spoilers and Warnings: none

Things You Never Know About Sam Seaborn: Part 2

...."At least twice a day," said Josh, grinning wickedly to the others gathered in the bullpen

"Really?" asked Donna, incredulously.

"Oh yeah, without a doubt " he assured her. "And if I am bored, " he continued seriously, "well...this kind of thing can increase exponentially."

Donna turned to Toby, who had recently joined the conversation. "What about you?" she asked innocently.

"Well... truthfully, it depends on how busy I am, but yeah- usually once, maybe twice a day." Toby was a little embarrassed, but what the hell, he thought, it wasn't like it was un-natural or anything.

Donna nodded, considering the testimonies carefully, "So the consensus is that if you have nothing else to do..." her voice rising on the end of the uncompleted question.

Toby nodded his head- "basically," he confirmed.

"So what, this is like a legitimate activity to engage in, like reading a book or something?" CJ chimed in, not quite believing what she was being told.

"Exactly," the men chorused in unison.

"Well, I'll be damned," exclaimed CJ, " I had no idea it was so... well, frequent."

"It's a male cultural thing," agreed Toby.

"Yes," Josh piped up, "My roommate in college told me that whenever he was writing a paper, he would use it like an incentive- the carrot on a stick if you will..."

They all laughed at the vulgarity... CJ most of all.

Still unconvinced, Donna said, "Let me get this straight, its like, okay... when I finish this page..."

"Yep," Josh replied.

"Ew!" exclaimed Trina, one of the new assistants, "I hope you all wash your hands!"

"Oh," Josh promised sincerely, "I am very sanitary."

It was then that Sam walked by, notepad in hand.

"So, Sam, What about you?" asked CJ- laughing.

"What?" Sam replied, distracted.

Josh waved his hands, trying to stop her. Toby too was shaking his head; it was one thing for them to discuss, well... but Sam.... CJ just grinned.

"You know," said CJ, "How often do you yank the chain, polish the rod, shine the equipment, spank the monkey?"

"Excuse me?" asked Sam, genuinely confused.

"Can I interrupt here for a moment?" asked Toby. "CJ, how the hell...?"

"If your nice to me Tobus... I might explain it to you later." Turning her attention back to sam, she shook her head. "He is so na´ve" lamented CJ; the others nodded, tiny smiles playing on their faces.

Unable to allow Sam to skirt this issue, Toby elaborated. "Self-gratification," he drawled, slowly, putting an emphasis on 'self.'

"What?" asked Sam again, completely taken aback.

"Um... how to put this delicately," continued Toby, "clearly the euphemisms lose something in the translation... Masturbate," he finally supplied.

"Toby, that is...well... disgusting, how can you degrade yourself that way?" Sam was blushing, "You are actually talking about this?"

"Wait a minute," said Josh in their defense, "Degrade... no way, it is self 'love' Am I right guys?"

CJ, Donna, and Trina were all duly chastised, staring at their feet, collectively. Though Josh couldn't help but notice the smile pulling at CJ's lipes

"Well, then," concluded Sam, "perhaps you have a problem. Now, if you'll excuse me." He went to his office.

Trina shrugged, but Toby couldn't accept the response. "I don't care what he says, everyone does it! Am I right Josh?"

Momentarily shocked by Toby's continued and sustained conversation with them, Josh recovered to say, "Look, I lived with him for three years, and I swear to you, I think he is telling the truth. He really doesn't..."

Toby just shook his head, regaining his usually gruff countenance. "I am just going to pretend as though the last ten minutes never happened," he thought to himself, wondering over his spontaneous desire to 'be nice' and 'fit in.'

CJ looked toward Sam's office door, sighing, "Sam probably doesn't need to engage in 'self-gratification,' he can most likely get some any time he wants. I mean check out his ass..."

"Yes," Donna agreed, "Sam is 'da man'"

"Hey!" yelled Josh, interrupting the x-rated Sam fantasies doubtlessly playing through both women's heads. "I thought I was 'da man'...."

"'Thought' being the operative word here, notice you seemed to be the only one under this impression," interjected CJ.

"Toby, back me up here, I am 'da man,' true?" asked Josh.

"I hate to break it to you, Josh. But if it came down to you and Sam, I would definitely choose Sam." Toby responded.

"Stop flirting with the secretaries, Josh, and get to work!" called Leo across the bullpen, interrupting the semi-ridiculous conversation in which they had all been engaged.

"Aye, Aye, Chief," replied Josh, hurrying off in search of something to do. "It is really scary that the let us run the country, isn't it?"

"Don't you know it," said Toby as he headed back to his office.

 Chapter 3


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