Against the Dying of the Light

by: Coupdepam

Character(s): Sam Seaborn
Category(s): Drama/Angst
Rating: TEEN
Summary: There's something wrong with the coffee...
Written: 2005-11-25

Chapter Six

Donna had meant to go home after CJ had gone into the ICU and not come out again. She had meant to leave the bag she had packed for Sam and with it a message for Josh telling him that she would be at home if he needed her. She had meant to do all this without going into the ICU to see Sam, having to see someone else she loved fighting for life in front of her. She had stood up a number of times and walked towards the nurses’ station but each time she had returned to her seat and worried the handle of the bag.

She was almost asleep when the door to the unit was flung open. Sam’s bag was propped between her feet and her empty Styrofoam cup was falling from her hand when Josh burst through the door and hurried away down the corridor. She blinked rapidly and turned her confused gaze from his retreating form to the door again as Toby came through it in a similarly urgent manner. She stood and the cup fell from her lap and rolled along the floor and into CJ’s path. She kicked it along the floor without even noticing it and Donna watched as she paced up and down one hand on her hip the other on her forehead. Toby was standing with his back to Donna, one hand leaning on the wall which looked like it was the only thing holding him up. ‘Don’t turn around’ Donna thought, ‘Don’t turn around and tell me he’s dead’.

CJ stopped pacing, slowly turned and as if only noticing Donna’s presence she walked quickly towards her and took her hands which Donna had held out automatically on seeing CJ’s pale face. They walked together to the chairs and sat down.

“God, is he-” Donna didn’t need to finish her sentence as CJ’s frantic shaking of her head let her know that her worst fears had not been realised.

“He stopped breathing and they had to put a tube in. They couldn’t get him to breathe.” CJ looked at Toby as she spoke and Donna followed her gaze and watched as he slowly straightened, took a deep breath and turned to face them.

“Donna, will you go and find Josh for me, please. I think he went,” Toby paused and circled his finger by his temple, “that a way.”

Donna stood up immediately, pleased to have something to do and clearly understanding from Toby’s gesture that he was as concerned about the state Josh was in as she was. Her exit was followed by Dr Keel’s entrance. CJ stood on seeing him and she and Toby followed him to an empty waiting room further down the corridor. He held the door for them and made his way to a chair opposite the easy chairs they had sat down on.

“He’s stable. I’ve had to intubate him. He’s conscious but heavily sedated. I won’t lie to you, he’s in a critical condition but I think he’s holding his own. He’s fighting and that’s going to count for a lot.”

“He’ll fight,” Toby announced as he stood up and there was no arguing with the conviction behind his words.

“Well if his strength is mirrored by the strength of support for him here then I have no doubt that he will.”

Toby nodded at the doctor, grateful for his words. He waited for him to leave the room and then went and sat by CJ. She reached for his hand without looking up.

“You should go find Josh,” she told him.

“Donna’s with him.” He sat back in the chair. A window was open and Toby welcomed the refreshing air that came through it, just as he welcomed the hold on his hand and the quiet of the room and was content to sit a while.

“Josh!” Donna had called three times and he still wouldn’t slow down or turn around. He had crossed the parking lot and was now on a stretch of grass and so Donna removed the high healed shoes that had been slowing her down and jogged across the dew covered green towards him. “Josh!” she called breathlessly as she finally caught up.

“Jesus, Donna, take a hint! The running ahead and not answering was pretty much my way of saying leave me alone!”

Donna reached out and pulled at his elbow in an attempt to get him to face her.

“Will you leave me the fuck alone?”

The shoes dropped from her hands and she took a step back. It wasn’t the volume, the tone, or the force of his words that made her retreat but the tears that were clearly visible on his face. He scrubbed furiously at his eyes as if surprised at the moisture he found there and then turned away from her once more.

“Josh, listen to me, you need-”

“Don’t tell me what I need! I need for my best friend not to be dying. I need to not see him struggling to breathe and I need for you to leave me the fuck alone!”

Donna took another step away. “I’m going to sit by the path over there and wait. I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to get yourself together and we’ll go back inside or I’ll take you home or back to the office. I’ll take you wherever you want to go but I’m not leaving you.” Donna turned to walk towards the bench but stopped and returned to Josh, “And that’s despite the fact that you just shouted the F word at me…twice!”

Josh wiped his eyes on his sleeve and then crossed his arms over his chest. The cool night breeze played with his hair and blew the stuffiness of the ICU away. He took a few deep breaths before wiping his eyes again. He didn’t want to go back in and face whatever he had to face like this. He wanted to be ready or at least appear to be ready and when he’d calmed down he knew Donna would be waiting, he didn’t need to turn around to know she would still be there.

Someone or maybe a force was pulling at him, forcing him to move, to rise, to float upwards towards the ceiling. He tried to fight it but it was becoming increasingly hard. He didn’t want to float. He wanted to stay where he was but he could no longer feel the hands that had been holding his so firmly, keeping him where he was, keeping him safe. He could barely open his eyes but could see the brightness of the room. What he could no longer see were the shapes by his bed, comforting, dark shapes that let him know he was not alone. He panicked at that thought but his body didn’t respond, couldn’t respond to the fear that was gripping him.

If Sam had opened his eyes wider Toby would have seen the panic in them. He was looking at Sam, trying to rekindle the connection that had been present before but was gone now. He still held Sam’s hand but there was no response. No sudden tightening or reaction to the gentle strokes of his thumb. The nurses had told him to talk to Sam and had proceeded to tell Sam what they were doing as if he was awake and sitting up in bed. Toby waited for the last nurse to leave and then leaned closer to Sam. “I’m still here, Sam, so let’s just get through this night together, okay?” It was an unspoken pact; I’ll stay if you do.

Sam could hear a mumbled voice beside him and so tried to open his eyes wider and move his hand. Toby felt the slight movement and tightened his grip on Sam’s hand. “There you are! It’s okay. Can you hear me?”

The mumbled words were clearer or rather their tone was and Sam tried again to squeeze the hand that he could now feel covering his own. Toby peered into his eyes and saw the fear that Sam’s expressionless face was masking. He remembered Sam pleading for him not to let go and realised that same fear was gripping Sam now. He readjusted his grip so that his hand completely covered Sam’s and placed his other hand on Sam’s shoulder gripping it just as tightly. “Sam! I’m here. I’ve still got hold of you. I told you I wouldn’t let go, remember? I’m not going to let go, Sam.”

There was no movement in reply to Toby’s words, no small nod or squeeze of his hand but Toby saw the fear leave Sam’s eyes and his head sag ever so slightly further onto the pillow. Toby nodded and muttered reassuringly more for his benefit than Sam’s. He glanced at the door and hoped CJ and Josh would give him a few minutes to compose himself before they entered the room. The pump beside Sam’s bed continued to rise and fall in a slow steady rhythm. Sam’s eyes had closed and Toby resisted the selfish urge to nudge him awake, resisted listening to the relentless thought that if he didn’t, then Sam might not wake up at all.

CJ crept up to the bed and kissed Sam’s forehead gently. It was four am and she needed to get home and shower before returning to the White House. She had watched the TV in the dayroom and told Toby that three more people had died during the night, two in Philadelphia and one in New York. She stroked Sam’s head and stared at him. Sunlight was creeping into the room, its red glow softening the light from the strip lighting above. Behind them a shift was ending and soft voices filled the room as notes and updates were handed over.

“Josh is outside,” CJ said without taking her eyes off Sam so Toby didn’t know if she was talking to him or Sam. Her next words were quieter and Toby realised the first had been for Sam. “He’s not…I think it’s safe to say he isn’t handling this well.”

“Who is?”

CJ nodded and bent to kiss Sam once more before stepping away from the bed. “Donna’s with him. I think he’ll be in soon.”

“Good, because I was just thinking what I really need now is Josh on the other side of that bed driving me nuts!”

CJ crossed to Toby’s side of the bed and kissed him on the forehead as gently as she had Sam, “You’re just a big old teddy bear, spin boy, and don’t forget that I know it.”

She stood by Toby’s chair for a while before accepting she couldn’t put off leaving any longer. “Call me…if…call me.”

“Yeah,” Toby watched her walk out of the unit and didn’t miss the warm smile Dr Keel gave her as they passed in the doorway.

“Why don’t I need to phone?” Charlie asked the off-duty agent. He had only just arrived and had been about to phone the Residence to wake the President when the agent had told him not to bother and nodded towards the Oval Office. Charlie entered and shook his head when he saw the President slumped in his seat at his desk, a pile of papers made a trail from his open hand to the floor and his glasses were perched awkwardly across his face. “Mr President.” Charlie walked nearer to the desk and raised his voice, “Sir, time to wake up.”

“I’m up, I’m up,” he mumbled as he opened his eyes and sat upright sending the papers that had clung to his lap and chair fluttering to the floor. “Oh…that’s…oh.”

“Morning, Mr President.”

“Charlie,” Bartlet rubbed at his eyes and relaxed in his chair. “I don’t suppose you can divert my wife’s attention while I sneak back into bed?” Bartlet looked beyond Charlie and at the form that was storming along the portico outside. “Too late.”

Charlie followed the President’s gaze to the window and winced in sympathy. He turned back and addressed the reason why Bartlet had probably fallen asleep in his office in the first place, “The hospital knows to phone me with any news but I can phone now if you like?”

“I phoned an hour ago, but thank you. Send CJ in when she gets here will you?” The doors to the Oval were opened hastily by an agent as Abbey burst through them.

“You slept in a chair, mister! After everything I said, after all the exercises and pills and massages, you slept in a chair!” “Isn’t she magnificent?” Bartlet said to Charlie but a diplomatic shrug and backward step told him that he was on his own.

Josh was trying so hard not to ask Toby what the time was, or point out that is was morning which meant the night was over which meant…

“What’s the time?” Josh asked not liking where his thoughts were returning to again.

“It’s time you stopped speaking.”

“Wow, that time already?”

Both men turned their attention to Sam who was beginning to move more frequently and whose eyes now told them that he knew they were there.

“Morning, Sam,” Josh said as blinds were fully opened to allow the sun to stream into the room and onto Sam’s bed. Sam’s eyes found Josh and then turned slowly towards Toby who greeted him as well. The simple words managed to convey the relief that seemed to flow into the room with the morning sun. The night was over and Sam had survived it.

“I’ve got to get going, buddy,” Josh stood up and placed his hand on Sam’s head and waited until his eyes sought him out. Like CJ before him, he bent down and kissed Sam’s forehead. Josh stared into Sam’s eyes and whatever message he was silently sending must have been understood as Sam returned the stare with an almost imperceptible nod of his head.

An hour later, Toby was still by the bed. He hadn’t let go of Sam’s hand and had no intention of doing so until he was sure Sam was fully aware that he wasn’t alone. He thought about his day and what he could cancel and what he could do at the hospital. He wondered how he could phone Ginger without letting go of Sam’s hand and the thought didn’t strike him as bizarre.

“Sir, can I ask you to move for a moment? I just need to take a reading.”

“Down there?” Toby pointed to a bag that hung by the side of the bed and the nurse nodded. “Okay, I er…you see the thing is…let me just stand up here…I need to…” Toby stood and awkwardly turned so that he was out of the nurse’s way. He pushed his chair aside with his toe and turned again so that she could move past him. He did all this without once letting go of Sam’s hand. “Sorry, it’s just that…I said I wouldn’t let go and er…” Toby laughed, a short embarrassed noise, and the nurse smiled as if his mumbled explanation and awkward insistence on not letting go of Sam’s hand was nothing out of the ordinary.

“There, all done, you can sit back down now. I’ll have a few moments free in a while; do you want to go get something to eat while I sit with Sam?”

“Thanks but then I’d have to-”

“Let go of his hand, yes, I see the problem.”

Toby smiled up at her and rolled his eyes.

“I’ll get you a drink,” she said and headed off to the staff room.

CJ walked slowly towards the Oval Office. She was in no rush to get there. She knew Leo and the President would want to ask her about last night and it was a night she would rather forget. She reached the open door and walked into the room. Bartlet was sitting next to Leo listening intently to Ron who sat opposite them. He saw CJ and motioned for her to join them. “Ron doesn’t know anything more but he’s trying to make me feel better.”

CJ threw a tired smile at Ron and sat down beside him. Bartlet sat back and sighed, “It’s a hell of a situation, Ron, no suspect, no clear motive, and you don’t even know where the initial crime was committed.”

“Yet,” Leo added confidently.

Josh entered looking even worse than CJ. He hadn’t been home and the stress of the night showed clearly on his face. He nodded at Ron who stood, thanked the President and left the room.

“You stayed with Sam all night?” Leo asked and Josh nodded slowly as he sank back against the sofa.

“We have to keep positive,” Bartlet announced, “A few hours ago none of us here thought Sam would last the night but he did, he did, and all we can do is take that for the promising sign that it is that Sam will survive whatever else he’s facing.”

Bartlet’s words had the effect he had hoped for. Josh straightened slightly and CJ looked as if she was more able to face the day than she had when she had walked into the room.

“Now,” Bartlet stood and clapped his hands, “Let’s talk about my visit to Sam.”

“Which is not going to happen, Sir,” Leo answered.

“You let me visit Josh,” Bartlet argued.

“You were in the hospital at the time!”

CJ closed her eyes and savoured the warm sun that streamed through the window and the familiar sound of Leo’s and the President’s sparring banter. She knew the Oval Office was a strange place to find a few moments’ peace and comfort but she took full advantage of it anyway and didn’t open her eyes again until the voices stopped and Josh nudged her elbow telling her it was time to go.

“It’s not breathing for him it’s helping him to breathe. He’s actually taking some breaths himself which the machine allows him to do.” Doctor Keel hoped his words were encouraging the exhausted man who sat by Sam’s bed. “I want to take the tube out as soon as possible before Sam starts letting the machine to breath for him.”

Toby rubbed at his eyes with his free hand. Too tired to respond verbally he nodded his understanding of what Dr Keel had told him. He listened as Sam was told what was about to happen and what he should do. He watched as the tube was pulled from Sam’s mouth and his eyes opened wider than they had in the past few hours. He squeezed Sam’s hand as his eyes darted from Dr Keel to him and then up to the ceiling. He didn’t let go.

Chapters:: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19

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