Odyssey of Minds, pt 3: Donna POV

by: Ellen
Pairing(s): Josh/Donna
Category(s): Humour/Fluff/ Angst
Rating: YTEEN
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, et al
Summary: Josh and Donna's thoughts after each season 6-episode.
Spoiler: Opposition Research
Written: 1/19/05

I can't believe I just did that.

Guess where I am right now? Yeah, exactly, at my desk. This is starting to become a habit of mine. Sitting at my desk and thinking instead of working. In fact, I should stop calling it 'my office' and refer to it as 'my silent place of contemplation' from now on. But it's just ...

I still cannot believe I just did that. What was I thinking?

It all started when I got a call from Will this morning that he wanted me present in one of his meetings with someone from the Santos-camp. It didn't occur to me at the time that it would be him and it should have, I mean, it's not like Santos has a large staff or anything like that. And, really, the only logical thing would have been to send him, but I just never expected it. So, when I walked in there, unsuspecting, I just started talking to Will and then I felt it. That little tingle I used to feel whenever he was close, well ... it was running all over my spine and I just knew. So, I turned around and there he was, looking all ... stunned and pale ... and ... and sad and ... and beautiful. Oh, so beautiful. We both said 'hi' and I just forgot. I forgot all the nastiness and the vows I made to myself not to fall in the same trap again. I forgot that I wanted to beat him in the election just to show him that I can.

Him and me, that's all there was. No campaigns ... no Will, who was still talking about something I don't recall right now. Just plain 'us', nothing more and nothing less. And then he tore his eyes away to listen to something Will had just said and the moment was gone. And never ... ever in my entire life have I felt so incredibly saddened by the loss of one single moment in time.

It then hit me full force. Will didn't ask me to be there to back him up in this conversation. He asked me because he knew Josh was coming and he knew that seeing me would throw him off his game. Now, I'm not naïve, I know that people and their emotions are used and abused in politics ... I had just never been 'the means to an end' and it felt horrible. I felt horrible.

Will is trying to use me to take down Josh and subsequently Santos' campaign. He knows that 'Santos for President' has no chance whatsoever without Josh, so he's trying to nail him any way he can. Even if that includes toying with his emotions ... even if that means, using 'the Donna-card'.

And then, suddenly, the meeting was over and he left. He just turned around and left. I felt this irrational fear coming up and I couldn't let him go, not like that. So, I ran after him and stopped him to say all those things I had never said before. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, but that it was also his fault and that he had to understand why I did it. I needed to tell him that it wasn't just work, that other factors had weighed in with the decision to leave. I had to say that I didn't leave him, just the job and that we could still be friends. A million thoughts were whirling inside my head, a millions thing I wanted to say, a million gestures I wanted to follow up on. And what did I do? I asked him a question ... a simple question.

"Can we not make this a thing?"

His answer?

"It's not a thing."

And right there, we were back where we started. Nothing solved or talked about, no arguments, no shouting. Just a civil conversation that consisted of two sentences and a whole bucket of disguised sub-layers attached to 'a thing'. I wanted to hit him and scream at him from the top of my lungs. Telling him that he could just shove it and go straight to hell with his 'you can't get to me'-attitude, but I didn't. I kept quiet and let my eyes trail him for a moment while he walked away from me.

After that, I went back to Will's office. I told him that I didn't appreciate being used as a lever to affect Josh on an emotional level. I got in return that I should really start checking my priorities. I believe his exact words were:

"If I were you I'd seriously reconsider your ability to do this job. If you can't straighten your priorities in the order that the campaign comes first, then you shouldn't stay, because then you don't belong here. Think long and hard and consider if you are strong enough to play in the big league, 'cause that's where you are right now and you won't get very far if you stay loyal to your former employer. Josh Lyman is no longer your boss or friend, he is now your opponent and your job is to help us beat him. Even if that means using unorthodox ways to get what we want. Do you understand?"

Oh, I understood all right. I had been given a choice. Either put up with it or there is the door. Huh, let me make one thing absolutely sure so that there's no confusion. I am not giving this up. I finish what I start, I always do ... well, I try to anyway. I love this job and the added responsibility it gives me. I want it and I need it, so I'll definitely stay. And that's what I said to Will. I told him that I can handle the job perfectly and that I don't need Josh for anything.

And that's when I came to the situation where I blurted out things of which I still can't believe I said them to Josh. I was asked to go and post some letters from Russell supporters to the DNC. I already knew he'd be there, since Santos was scheduled to be there. So, when I got out of the car, there he was talking to some woman called Ronna. I stood there, by his side, for a moment and when I closed my eyes it almost felt like old times. 'Almost' being the operative word, because it was awkward as hell. I couldn't even look him in the eye when I said all those things I shouldn't have. But I still have the ability to sense his reactions. I know Josh and I know how he responds. I could practically hear him cringe when I told him my new job-title. I can't deny that it didn't feel good to gloat about it. Russell gave me the responsibility that he denied me and that has to hurt. And I thought, 'good' ... let it hurt, let him hurt the way he hurt me when he didn't take the time to listen to me. And then I made the fatal mistake of glancing briefly at him and when I caught his reaction-

Let's just say I'm not too proud of myself right now and that it will take a while before I can come to terms with the guilt I feel. And I realised at that exact moment ... that no matter what he did, this wasn't me. I didn't gloat or use and abuse people for politics. I wasn't that kind off person, so I did the only thing I could do. For just a moment, I returned to my default position of 'loving Josh no matter what' with only one goal in mind. To wipe the beaten look off his face and gear him up for battle again.

"You ought to deliver some of those truisms yourself."

He is free to take it or leave it and to do whatever he wants with this advice. I now feel slightly better about myself, but the guilt is still there. It probably shouldn't be, but I can't get rid of it. All the hurtful things I said. And nothing I can do about it, but sit here and shake my head disbelievingly. I have this feeling, this need to say it out loud. To just throw it out there for the world to know. So, that's what I do.

"I can't believe I did that!"

The echo of the words bounces off against the walls, straight back to my ears. And before I can think about it the following words escape my lips:

"I can't believe he let me."

And I finally give in to the urge I've been fighting since I first saw him again this morning. I bow my head and I cry.

Donna's POV: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 Josh's POV: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

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